New Website Redirect.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Note to Self

Dear Self,

Why do you continuously make such bad judgement calls?

Last night was the night to get a lot of sleep in order to rally and assume rockstardom tonight. Instead you chose to drink too much and get home at 4 am. Not your best move. How are you supposed to not only function today, but be able to party all night? Exactly. You’re not 21 anymore, you are 32 years old. You should keep that in mind.

Might I suggest some Advil, a B12 vitamin and lots and lots of water. Pull yourself together. People are counting on you.

Love, Sarah

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Skin Suits and Therapy

Sarah: "Ben, you have to go see Juno ASAP, it's really good. Or Sweeney Todd. You can't beat a throat-slitting barber."

Ben: "I can't see that one. You know I'm scared of Tim Burton movies."

Sarah: "Still? You sort of an adult now."

Ben: "Sarah, I was four. Not exactly a movie to force a small child to watch over and over. This is totally your fault."

Sarah: "Well how was I to know you'd grow up to be a baby man."

Ben: "You have no room to talk, remember, you're terrified of Silence of the Lambs."

Sarah: "Because that is REAL! You could be a skin suit at any given time. Beetle Juice isn't real. Proving once again I'm way tougher than you."

Ben: "Perhaps tougher, but still in need of therapy. We really should get a therapist on staff for the entire family."

Friday, December 28, 2007

In Utah This Week, Issue #84

To read this week's column go here. It will kill at least two minutes of your day. Can't beat that.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Karma is my Bitch

Last night I drove to West Jordan to meet friends for a movie. I’ve been dying to see Sweeny Todd and they were going, so it was well worth the commute. Plus they don’t suck.

MapQuest totally lied to me—it took way longer than 16 minutes to get there. Luckily I had my new Spice Girls CD to listen to, so I didn’t mind as much. Getting out of the car I was still singing the Wannabe lyrics…

“Yo. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell me what you want, what you really really want.”

…slightly off-key and entirely louder than I should’ve been, when I heard snickering behind me. Embarrassed I started walking faster, but in my non-weather appropriate footwear that wasn’t such a good idea. I, of course, slipped and in my attempt to keep from falling on my ass I accidentally grabbed the side mirror of a car, nearly tearing it off. It was all sorts of awesome, since the car belonged to the laugher.

So, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. Not to look like a dumb ass in public, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Not The Only Adult Child In My Family

Ben: "Stop telling people I like Nascar. I don't!"

Sarah: "Benjamin, you have a mullet, therefore you must like Nascar. It's okay, don't fight it."

Ben: "People read your blog. No more Nascar talk. BUT, I do really want Carter's bed. I'm going to request one from Santa next year."

Sarah: "You could probably just wait a couple years and Carter will outgrow his."

Ben: "Outgrow it? Why? It's awesome. Seriously, Sarah, how cool would that look in my extra bedroom? I may kick my roommate Vegan Joe out so I can."

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A Princess Christmas

My niece, Hannah, called me this morning to tell me that Santa brought her a brand new princess bed. She wasn't kidding. I drove down this afternoon to see for myself and found her cuddled up with her dolls wearing a velvet princess costume. I asked her if there was room for me and she looked up with the sweetest face and said, "Yes and always, but NOT EVER BEN!" Which is totally fine since when I walked out I noticed Ben in Carter's room begging him to trade beds. Not all surprising since Carter scored a race care bed. Ben is sorta weird and into all that Nascar crap.

Merry Christmas everyone! May you all be as happy as this little girl:
Sarah Nielson Blog

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Sobering Moment

I was out doing some last minute shopping today. Stop. That's a total lie. Let me start over...

I made a quick run to the liquor store after noticing I only had one bottle of wine in my house. That is completely unacceptable during the holidays, especially when my back-up-plan, Mrs. AK, is busy entertaining family.


The entire time I'm in the store I can hear a small child crying, but it wasn't until I was in line behind her that I could understand what she was saying. "Buuuuutttttt, mom, I want a drink!" She wailed this over and over, occasionally swapping the word want for the word need. Her mother finally snapped and said, "NO! You don't need a drink, I need a drink and we're going straight home so I can have one!" At this point everyone started consoling the mother. One woman telling her we've all been through it. Another rubbing her back and telling her to take a deep breathe.

And I think that's what the holidays are all about, consoling complete strangers because we're all having a hard time getting through them.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Good Taste

AND he makes me laugh.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Band Aids & Ben

In the middle of my front room is a pile of presents that need to be gift wrapped; only I keep forgetting to buy wrapping paper.

Each year Ben and I share gift duty, which means I shop while he wanders around and pretends to help. The helpful part comes when we split the bill. This year has worked brilliantly for the past few years. This year, however, Ben has flaked on both Saturdays we had plans to shop. The first time he was still on a bender in Wendover, which I can completely sympathize with, but the second time he was spending the day seeing a movie with an old mission companion. Yes, the irony in my family runs deep.

He finally made a contribution. He was supposed to buy something to add to the package we still haven’t mailed Chad, and a gift for Boy AK. He bought band aids. Yes, band aids: sushi and Jesus ones for Chad--Scooby-Doo, Curious George and regular ones for Boy AK. And since it’s the holiday season and you’re supposed to be charitable I told him he’d done an excellent job and didn’t call him a freak.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

In Utah This Week #83

To read my lazy version of a holiday greeting card go here. And here's proof of the mentioned "haircut."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Letter to Missionary Brother #9

Dear Chady-Bear,

Insert one of the following holiday greetings, depending on when this arrives: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter!!

If you don’t get this by Christmas I’m really sorry, I spaced it. I’m fully aware of the fact I’m a crummy sister, but I’m all you’ve got so at least there’s no competition factor. And as much as we both love Holli, we only got her a few years ago. I was there from the start, changing your disgusting diapers, speaking of which I’m still regretting the day Ben fed you his corn.

I can’t believe you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I hate that. I get that you love God but seriously gone for Christmas? This sucks. I haven’t been home to see the tree; I’m really hoping Mom didn’t pull the crap she did when Ben was on his mission: decorating a Christmas tree outside rather than one nside. Now that was a weird Christmas! I’ve told you this before, but going home without you there isn’t the same… I miss you. How many more minutes until you’re home? I’m not as excited this year as I have been in past years, and I think you being so far away may have something to do with it. I like having my brothers, Holli, and the kids close.

Mom said you wanted beef jerky and hot chocolate--good to see you’re still a freak. Cathy said you can find beef jerky in the liquor stores there, but I guess that’s probably against the rules, so I put two bags in. Mom also mentioned you needed warm gloves, but I’m lousy with all things winter so I’ll leave that one to her. I’m still sporting the stretchy Hello Kitty gloves I’ve had for years. I figured you wanted real gloves, not kid ones. But your real present is a promise from me… I promise to be better about writing you. I know you’re homesick and letters help, I relish in the fact I’m still ahead of Ben in that area!

I love you my sweet, little, Jesus-loving Chady-Bear! Happy holidays!!


PS. The Victoria Secret Catalog was NOT my idea. Ben added it in at the last second, however, I didn't stop him. Also, we sorta just threw random holiday cards from family. My fridge is full, so...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

These Sheets

As I made my bed last night, I came to terms with the fact this is likely the last time I'll sleep on these sheets. These sheets that I brought home from my grandma's house after she died. These sheets that bring me comfort, no matter how crappy I feel. These sheets, with their crazy flower pattern, remind me that my grandma was spunky, even when she was sleeping.

Over the years, since her death, these sheets have gotten me through a lot of hard times. Seeing the sheets remind me that I come from a line of strong women, they could do anything, and so can I. When the corner ripped as I made my bed last night, I didn't feel quite so strong anymore, and I got a little teary-eyed.

I can’t throw the sheets out just yet. Instead I’ll lovingly pack them away knowing that if I ever need them they’ll be there for me—just like she would’ve been if she were still alive.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Here's to Hoping

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good girl, just ask the boys—they’ll tell you. So for Christmas this year I would like the following:

Pink or brown UGG boots
Paula Abdul to never, ever gain sobriety
A down payment for a new car or condo, your choice
Matching dishes for my kitchen
A kitchen
A first edition Dorothy Parker book
Lower gas prices
A pink terrycloth robe
Ben to have a normal haircut
Skinny thighs
A ring (Don't worry Santa, I want something pink, nothing of the diamond sort.)
Pink Kitchen Aid to go in new kitchen
A Democrat as President
Gas prices to fall (Stop emailing me, it's on here twice for a reason!)

Oh and some of that world peace people are always talking about would be nice.

Santa, I know you can't give me everything on the list, especially a Democrat in office since I imagine you're a Republican (I base this assumption on the fact you're old, fat and white.). But Santa, that's ok, I still love you. You also can't do much about my thighs since that's sorta between me, trainer Alaska Pat and the gym, but if you're some sort of magician or baby Jesus than by all means go ahead.


PS. It's hard to set out cookies and milk without a proper kitchen to bake them in. I hope you don't mind a vitamin and Diet Coke. I have plenty of both. If that's not ok I can ask Arlo to whip you up something, but it would likely be something fancy, and Santa, you seem more of a down-to-earth-I-break-into-houses-for-a-living kind of guy.

IN, good for all your reading needs!

I'm sure this isn't the first time my name has appeared in a bathroom stall, but it's certainly the funniest!
AK found this in his office building's shared bathroom.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Fat Night

Happy Birthday, Little AK

Little AK's birthday was a wild success. I drank good wine, had chocolate cake and heard 15 kids screeching all at once, reminding me I'm no where near ready for parenthood. Luckily I had the foresight to take Advil in advance.

My favorite part of the party took place this morning, long after I'd gone home.

Mrs. AK: "Go get the Hannah Montana doll so I can open it for you."

Little AK: "I thought Daisy's Sarah took it home."

Mrs. AK: "You mean Arlo?"

Little AK: "Oh yeah, I mean Arlo."

I love the way kids think! I belong to Daisy and not the other way around. And that she didn't question Arlo stealing her toys, and in fact sort of expected it.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Warm Vibrations

Jess had the girls over last night for a PJ party. Over dessert we discussed sex toys. The conversation was much like the one every man imagines, only we didn't have a pillow fight in our panties afterwards.

I regaled the girls with a story of my mother and her body massager from The Sharper Image. Everyone knows those massager's aren't intended for use on your back. I tried explaining this to my mom, but she wouldn't listen. One weekend when both Ben and I were home my mom's neighbor and her young daughter came over to visit. 

We were sitting around talking when I noticed the little girl had picked up the alleged vibrator and started massaging her feet.  It didn't take long before I heard some weird noises coming from her.  We all looked over to see she's moved from her feet to her crotch.  I asked her why she was rubbing herself there and was told,  "It just feels best there."  I looked over at my mom and said, "See!  Even a three-year-old knows it's a vibrator!"

My mom admitted I was right, and started calling it her vibrator, but still left it in the front room anyway.  Which makes for VERY awkward moments when she looks at Ben and asks him to bring her the vibrator every time her neck hurts.  And people wonder why Ben is so weird...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Single-Handedly Supporting The Cyrus Family

Little AK loves Hannah Montana. She’s four, so I mostly refrain from making fun of her. When I got home yesterday there was brown package sitting on my doorstep. I got excited thinking maybe it was something that I had ordered last week for myself. No such luck. It was the singing Hannah Montana doll I ordered for Little AK’s birthday on Saturday, which reminded me I still needed to pick up her Christmas present. While Marky and I were out running errands yesterday I picked up CD for her. Yup, you guessed it, yet another Hannah Montana product.

As I was paying the cashier picked up the CD and said, “This is SUCH a great CD! I just love her music.” “Cool, but it’s not for me. It’s for a friend’s daughter,” I said. “Look lady, a lot of women your age buy this CD. There’s no reason to be embarrassed. It’s really good music.” At this point I was totally annoyed, why would I lie about it? Seriously. I proudly admit to listening to Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer; clearly I have no problem admitting to horrible taste in music. “This music is for kids, it’s not really an adult genre. Can you just ring it up and let me go home please?” Without another word he did just that.

Fast forward to today.

I walk into my office and am just settling in when Ashley walks in and said, “I bought a Hannah Montana song on iTunes. It’s really, really good. You have to listen.” I made fun of her a little bit and then gave it a listen.

And you know what? That stupid cashier was right.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Blue Eyes

Yesterday was Frank Sinatra’s birthday. Ben sent me a text message reminding me, but I didn’t need a reminder. I’ve been in love with Sinatra my entire life. In fact, he’s the first crush I ever had.

My Grandma Leavitt played a lot of big band music when I was little, which explains my love of it. It reminds me of her, and now that she’s gone I really, really like having that reminder. The first time she played a Sinatra song I announced to her I was going to be in love with him forever. From that point on whenever I spent time at her house I wanted to listen to him. I used to put on a dress and sit and listen to his records. When my grandmother asked me why I needed a dress on, I said, “I need to be pretty in case he comes to marry me." And even though he didn't come to marry me, I still listen to his music obsessively all these years later.

My mother bought me the below Frank Sinatra doll a few years ago for Christmas. I love it! In fact if there were a fire in my apartment and I only had time to save a few things I’d save the doll, and my baby blanket. Depending on how much Daisy farted that day I may save her, but chances are the fire would be a direct result from her ass.

IN This Week--The Dating Years--Issue#82

To read this week's column for In Utah This Week click here!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Children Don't Lie

Remember this? Hannah certainly does. My brother mentioned that Hannah has started going up to larger women at the mall and telling them she loves their fat butts. Needless to say, he wasn’t too thrilled. I, on the hand, got a good laugh out of it, but then I’m not there dealing with a very angry woman.

Last week when sitting the kids I was running a bath for them and noticed only the boy twin was ready to hop in. I walked into the other room and found Hannah, naked, looking at herself in the full-length mirror. “Hannah, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be getting in the tub with Carter.” “Aunt Sarah, I’m waiting for my butt to grow.”

I laughed and tried to explain to her she had her entire adult life to worry about the size of her butt, and now wasn’t that time. As we walked back into the bathroom together she looked at me and said, “Sarah, I love your big butt the best.”

And because I love her, I didn't drown her in the tub.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

And Now with Zero Cavities

My dental hygienist is a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but just moments before I disovered her love of women she was telling me she couldn't decide what her to buy her husband for Christmas.

After she finished cleaning my teeth, she stepped into the hallway and started talking to someone. "Oh my god she is cute, and looks great in pink! With those lashes she is simply beautiful." At this point I was certain they weren't talking about me, since I'm in black today-- although I've been told by quite a few men I've dated that my eyelashes are pretty spectacular.

My dentist finished up and as I walked out saw the hygienist holding a baby bundled in pink. I'll admit I was slightly relieved. The last thing anyone needs to get for Christmas is divorce papers.

Monday, December 10, 2007

A Thief Among Us

First my beloved Disney Princess blanket from Marky, and now the Hello Kitty plush toy Little AK gave me for my birthday.  What's next, my laptop?  

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Apparently Shrek and I are engaged:

Sent via CrackBerry

NOT a Cougar

I can't decide to laugh about this, or eat a container of ice cream and cry. A cougar? Seriously, George? Our imaginary cuddle affair is over!

Rest assured little Georgie, if I get married due to your post you can skim 10% off the wedding gifts and money. But stay away from my bridesmaids!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

A Night of Balls

Last night I had dinner with Arlo and the AK's. AK made his famous mozza ball soup. Yup, I ate balls for dinner, and in typical sophomoric fashion I giggled through the entire meal.

I showed up in jeans but quickly shed them for a pair of comfy pink pj pants. I'm not in the habit of taking my pj's everywhere, but the AK's are family so it's perfectly acceptable to opt for comfort over cute.

AK was quite concerned when I didn't put my jeans back on to leave. "Sarah, it's snowing out there. If you get in a wreck you will have to go to the hospital wearing that!"He was horrified at the thought. So I did something completely out of character: I drove slow.

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Magic of Christmas

I've decided the best thing about the holiday season isn't the presents, the holiday lights or any of that tender baby Jesus crap; the best thing is manipulation. Something I'm quite fond of, but throw in the Santa factor and it's better then ever!

While watching my niece and nephew this week I was able to witness the miracle of Santa. Kids will do anything if you involve Santa.

"What's that? You don't want to go to Starbucks? Santa just called and said Auntie Sarah HAS to go to Starbucks right this second." The speed in which the kids ran for their coats was spectacular.

"No, you're not wearing cowboy boots to school. Why? Because Santa hates cowboy boots."

"You want chicken nuggets and not the PB& J sandwich I just made? Santa just sent me a text message and said you have to eat the sandwich, or else."

After two days of this the kids finally asked how I know Santa. Clearly the only thing to was lie. I told them Uncle Ben had gone to the North Pole on his mission. Carter piped up and asked if Ben, or Uncle Mean as he calls him, had baptized Santa. I told them Uncle Ben had indeed baptized Santa. They were in awe.

Later when my brother Matt got home Hannah told him that Uncle Ben had tried to kill Santa, which I guess is pretty accurate. Baptism is a lot like downing, only you just get cake after and not a trip in the ambulance.

Poor kiddo, first the Easter Bunny, now Santa? I'm really hoping the Tooth Fairy lives.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Exploding Heart

This morning I awoke to cold feet touching me, specifically my niece Hannah's little, cold feet. (I know, I was hoping for a hot man, too!)

When I asked why she was in bed with me, her answer guaranteed my undying affection for life. "Aunt Sarah I need to be close to you because of all the love in my heart, or it could explode."

Why can't I find a man to say such sweet things to me?!

In Utah This Week--Issue #81

To read this week's column click here! To check out the Slippery Kitten MySpace page go here.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Sometimes Math IS Useful

Last night was cheap beer night at the Grizzlies Game. So we all went. I was late getting there since I have a Tuesday night Math class, but I arrived just in time to hear Ben arguing with the beer vendor.

Beer Vendor: "You can either get a 10 oz. beer for one dollar, or a 32 oz. beer for four dollars. But I recommend you get the larger beer. It's a better deal."

Ben: "Actually that's not true. If I get the small beer I save 2.5 cents per ounce. Trust me, I did the math before I got here."

BV: "But the 32 oz beer is larger therefore you have more beer."

Ben: "Yes, but that's not the point, the point is to save money on beer. That's the whole idea behind cheap beer night. I can buy a large beer at four dollars or four small beers at four dollars. Same amount of money but 8 oz less, which makes zero sense."

At that point the beer vendor stopped talking to him and poured the beers. I guess math really is used in every day life, and here I thought it was a waste of my time.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Jesus Drives a Prius

Sarah: "I decided how you can get Mom & Dad off your back about your hair. Next time they start complaining about how long it is, just tell them grown up Jesus had long hair."

Ben: "It wouldn't' work. I know Dad and he would say something about Jesus walked everywhere and that I never walk anywhere."

Sarah: "That's stupid. Jesus only walked because they didn't have cars. If they did Jesus would've certainly been driving."

Ben: "I wonder what Jesus would have driven."

Sarah: "Obviously a Prius. It just seems like a Jesus kind of car."

Ben: "Really? I don't see it. He probably would just have angels carry him around everywhere. Sorta makes me want to be Jesus."

Sarah: "Maybe you're right, but either way we've turned Jesus into a very lazy man."

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Even the Brilliant Sometimes Forget

Jessica: How was the rest of your weekend?

me: Spectacular!

Jessica: Oh really? That's great! Do tell...

me: Ira Glass yesterday=BRILLIANT!

Jessica: Oh, right. My office mate, said the same thing. She has a crush on him.

me: Ditto!

Jessica: What did he talk about?

me: He was great. He played some of the better clips, talked about where he gets show ideas, gave advice on people doing their own documentaries.
BUT, forgot to proclaim his love for me, which was sort of annoying!

Jessica: That happened to me when I went to see Mo Rocca. I thought for sure I was going to become engaged that night. But no. He regaled us with his high kicks, and then went home.

me: People are retarded. Don't they know how fabulous we are?!

Jessica: I don't think they do. I can't speak for Ira, but I'm pretty sure Mo is blinded by his gayness.

me: I think Ira just forgot.

Jessica: He might have had a lot on his mind, what with performing and all. He'll probably call you today to apologize for being such a dork...

me: I've got my phone in my pocket, just in case. It'll happen.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Friday Night Bush

When KCPW announced Jenna Bush would be in town for part of the station's Forum Speaker Series, I mentioned it to Ben. He has a huge crush on both Bush sisters. And while I'm no fan of the Bush family I'm a huge fan of KCPW, so we went.

Bush spoke about her time in South American with UNICEF, reading from the book she wrote about a young woman she met who was born with HIV. During an especially moving moment Ben leaned over and asked, "I think her boobs are probably a C cup. What do you think?"

I hushed him, but it was useless. He didn't listen to a word she said, instead stared at her boobs the entire time--only stopping long enough to tell me her poor-fitting skirt ruined his crush.

On the way home he informed me he'd be spending his time focusing on Barbara from here on out. He then called every family member in his phone to let them know his very liberal sister attended something that could be construed as pro-Bush.

Friday, November 30, 2007

In Utah This Week Issue #80

To read this week's "The Dating Years" column click here!

Come on, you got something better to do? I didn't think so. GO. NOW!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bar Talk

When Tommy is in town the majority of free-time is spent at Murphy’s. He’s worth the lung cancer I’m convinced I've developed over the last few days. He left this morning, so last night the troops rallied to give him a proper send-off. I promised myself I’d only stay a couple of hours, but that never seems to work. I also promised myself I’d not have any embarrassing moments, which also didn’t seem to work.

Miss D, my all-time favorite woman of the group, was there. I’ve not seen her as she’s been gallivanting around Europe, leaving us to fend for ourselves. (Many Hootie songs were heard on her behalf.) In my excitement to see her I didn’t pay much attention to the others sitting at the table. I started talking to her and another friend about my dating life and in typical Sarah fashion ended the story by uttering the term “dry-humping.” It was at that moment Miss D looked at the man sitting across from her and said, “Sarah, this is my father.” I could feel a slow burn rising to my cheeks and said, “OF course it is!” Miss D laughed and said something about another classic Sarah moment.

He had a great sense of humor and wasn’t bothered at all. Luckily my dating life is in a lull these days; otherwise, I’m afraid of what other non-parental term I may have uttered in front of him.

Later in the evening I was looking for my purse and found it tucked away at his table. I’m guessing he sensed my lack of responsibility and decided he better keep an eye out for me. And I’m sure glad he did! I need all the help I can get.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Good Luck Charms

I had a math test last night. In a frantic rush to get out the door I didn't take the time to look for my cute Hello Kitty pencil Mrs. Ak brought me from Japan, instead just grabbed the first pencil in my junk drawer. I tossed it and a calculator into my bag and was off.

It wasn't until half way through the test when I needed to erase something that I noticed the penis pencil topper. I'm not in the habit of adding extra male anatomy to already semi-phallic items--this was all Quinn-diesel's doing. Last year when he spruced my my pen and pencil jar I laughed and shoved in in a drawer, forgetting about it until today.

As silly as I felt I still scored my highest thus far. Now the debate begins: do I take my good luck pencil back next week, or pass the good luck on and stash it in a co-workers office?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sleeveless for the Holidays

I love Apple products, but absolutely detest The Apple Store. So much in fact, I drive clear out to the 'burbs to visit ExperCom whenever I need help.

A couple weeks ago Maddie and I were shopping at Gateway and decided (after much pleading on her part) to go inside so she could get a laptop case. Since I was already there and had to wait in line with her, I figured I might as well pick up a much needed pink sleeve for my iBook.

I got home and found it was the wrong size. Which was sort of annoying since the salesperson helping me had looked up the exact dimensions of my computer and recommended that size. But whatever, I knew Marky and I would be down there the next day so returning it would be no big deal. And it wasn't, I walked in and traded for what I was promised would be the perfect fit for my treasured Stella James.

Again, I got home and it was the wrong size... still way too big, and isn't the point for the padded sleeve to be snug? When Ben and I went to see a movie a few days later we stopped to return it. While processing the return I asked the salesperson what it would take to get a sleeve that fit my computer. He looked at me and said, "You have to buy a new computer." I laughed, but quickly realized he wasn't kidding. "So you're telling me I have to spend $2,000 to get a $30 sleeve to fit?" "Exactly," he said. I wanted to tell him how ridiculous he was, but by this time Ben was getting the worried "My sister is going to FREAK OUT" face, so I let it go.

Since I refuse to buy a new computer it looks like I'll be sleeveless this winter season.

Monday, November 26, 2007

How I Know My Brother Loves Me

If Ben had a house fire he'd grab two items before running out the door: his baby blanket, and his MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice album. Seriously. As an afterthought, he may go back for Vegan Joe, his roommate. But only after MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were safe.

Ben let me borrow this cherished CD last night, with the promise I'd return it in exactly one weeks time. I'm going to listen to the wise(?) words of MC Hammer and hope for Christmas gift inspiration. I have a difficult time buying for other people. Attempting to find the perfect gift stresses me out. Ben, however, is easy. Obviously I'll be buying him a pair of parachute pants.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

To Do List

I went to brunch today with Mrs. AK and Little AK. While we were (im)patiently waiting for our pancakes Little AK made her daily list of things to do.

1. Be cute
2. Wear pink
3. Laugh at Arlo
4. Laugh at Ben
5. Be smart
6. Don't whine
7. Watch Hannah Montana

After reading her list I realized we have the exact same day planned, excluding Hannah Montana of course, as I had already planned to watch Gilmore Girls.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Not Your Source for Porn

What is it about this time of year that makes people want to search online for LDS porn? Is that the new trend in Christmas gifts? If so, I missed the memo. In the span of two days I've had ten people link to my blog by googling "lds porn." Last year around this time I had the same problem, so I'm blaming the holidays.

Here are some other gift suggestions for your favorite Mormon this holiday season:

Fabric Scripture Carrier---perhaps something in denim this year? It's a favorite among someone somewhere, I'm sure.

A New Book of Mormon, complete with single word change--who doesn't need an updated version?

Or maybe your loved one is political, if so a contribution to the Romney for President fund might be a thoughtful choice.

But if you still have your heart set on something naughty, might I suggest you order the same gift I'm giving my mother this year. I have a feeling she's really going to love it.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Cooking with Max Headroom

Our Thanksgiving dinner was amazing, even if we did forget a green salad. But as Ben said, "It's just filler. Why waste stomach room on salad?" The entire day was so much fun, even the parts where I learned stuff from Arlo... like how to make gravy. Ben and I made the mashed potatoes, Mormon style--which means lots and lots of fatty ingredients and a Book of Mormon on the kitchen counter for luck.Unfortunately, AK ended up out of the country on a business trip so he wasn't able to be there in person, but thanks to Skype video he was able to supervise our activities. He didn't have a lot of faith in our kitchen skills and made sure we knew where the fire extinguisher was at all times. No, seriously.Mrs. AK, however, didn't need any supervision. Her turkey was perfect! Can't wait until next year!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I have so much to be thankful this year...

I'm thankful I have loving and loyal friends who are family to me. Especially Mrs. AK, who despite being British, planned an all-American Thanksgiving feast complete with a child's place setting for Ben.Speaking of family, even though my parents decided to spend the holiday amongst drug dealers and elderly vacationers, I'm extremely thankful I have both a mom and a dad. I'm also thankful I have such cool brothers, a sister-in-law that I adore, and the most amazing niece and nephew in the entire world.

I could on, but I won't. There's cooking to be done. Granted I'll just be watching, but watch I shall! Obviously I'll be paying closer attention to our Canadian friend's ass, than I will any food preparation, but have complete faith he won't poison me. I think.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Reminding myself she's worth it!

Cost of trip to vet: $80
Cost of dog pills: $30
Cost of "special" food: $40

Coming home to this face every day:


The Dating Years, In Utah This Week--Issue#79

To read this week's column go here! Ex-boyfriends certainly seem to be the theme for this week, in blog-land and out.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Letter to Self, and You

Dear Self,

After reading these comments, remember despite all of it, you really, really like blogging. It gives you a creative outlet and an opportunity to practice the craft of writing. Also, remember the laugh factor--you’ve always been the happiest when you make someone laugh and smile.

Love, Sarah
PS. Your ass looks hot today.

Dear Readers,

I’m fully aware that by blogging about my life, it’s out there for anyone to read. I have no problem with that. Sure, sometimes a comment will irk me, but not for long. Roll with the punches, right? I think Stray Scott nailed it when, in a comment, he said that he too would read the blog of an ex. I have as well, and don't think it's a big deal.

I would like to address this comment: “Purposely living her life as public as Sarah does, down to minute details via Twitter, she has no right to complain.” I want you to know I’m not complaining, at all. I'll keep blogging, if you keeping reading. Deal?

Love, Sarah
PS. I hope your asses look good today, too!

Dear Ex,

I suspect you're not the only ex reading this site. I don't mind. Whichever ex you are, I hope you are happy and well.


Monday, November 19, 2007

Livin' on the Edge

I don't have the best eating habits. This we reinforced over the weekend by Alaska Pat, my soon-to-be personal trainer. It's not that I don't eat healthy, because typically I do, it's that I don't eat regular meals. I blame my schedule, but truthfully it just seems like a hassle more often than not. Which is why Wheat Chex and vanilla soy milk were invented... to sustain me.

This morning in an attempt to eat at least three meals a day, I had a cup of coffee with soy milk. Soy milk counts as a real meal, right? Then, as I ran out the door, I grabbed one of my Dannon Light & Fit-Carb & Sugar Control Smoothies to drink for lunch. Since I'm not in the office very many hours as is, I rarely take a lunch.

Just now, as I was about to drink said smoothie, I noticed the expiration date was Nov 14. In my quest for good health, I choose to ignore the fact and drink it anyway. Now, I'm just sitting around waiting to die wondering how important forcing yourself to eat really is.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Weird, me? Never.

Tagged: I am to post 7 weird things about myself.

The rules are:

A). Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1) I still sleep with a baby blanket. I've been known to take it along when spending the night with men. An ex used to tease me mercilessly, but secretly he thought it was hot.

2) I cannot sleep if my knees are touching, or if my my hair is touching my face. The baby blanket comes in handy for keeping my knees apart (insert own perverted thought here). The hair issue is solved by putting my hair in a bun at night. Which, I've been told, makes me naughty librarian hot.

3) I like my coffee better cold, even in the winter. I think it's the last remaining bit of Mormon in me. MUST DRINK CAFFEINE COLD! That shit is hardwired into my brain.

4) I hate pushing a grocery cart. When I go shopping I use the little basket, even if it means going to the grocery store more often. The only time I push one is when I go to Costco with Marky, and he ditches the cart like he did today. Yes, I'm still bitter.

5) There are stacks of books surrounding my bed, but when I bring a guy home I kick them under the bed so he doesn't see. I have no idea why I don't want a man to see how much I read, especially since it helps with the naughty librarian role play.

6) I made up words all the time and try to pass them off as actual words. Sometimes I can be so convincing I forget they aren't real myself.

7) I know an entire bottle of wine fits perfectly into a Nalgene bottle. I know this because it's the only way to get me to go camping and/or hiking. Red wine makes everything fun! I don't actually think this is weird, but others have teased me enough I'm nearly convinced.

Note to self: be less weird.

I'm too lazy to tag anyone, so let's mix this up and let seven readers tag themselves. Leave a comment on this post so people can link to yours.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Letter to my Missionary Brother #8

Dear Chady-Bear,

I’m really slow at getting a letter off to you. I’m sorry, Bear! I’ve been really busy trying to beat my baby brother through college. It’s a weird competition, but a competition all the same. I. Must. Win. I can’t wait for this semester to be over—23 credit hours wasn’t exactly a good idea. I’m totally spent.

Thank you for your birthday letter! I know you love me… why else would you risk your mission by sending your sister wine? I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules. Maybe it’s better you weren’t able to find it—as much as I want you to come home, I’d feel really guilty if you were sent home because of my Hello Kitty obsession and need for wine.

I laughed so hard at the thought of you filling your suitcase full of beer. As funny as that would be, please don’t. Sapporo is not only sold here, but also sold in adult sizes. The picture of you holding the itsy bitsy can kept us all laughing!

Even though I’m busy, things are good. I don’t love that I saw Christmas stuff in stores before Halloween, but I do love that the holidays are getting closer! It’s going to be hard this year not having you around. I get bored visiting home if there’s not someone to bug. Ben and I bug each other on a constant basis so he’s out of the question. Matt’s always napping so he’s out. Maybe it’s time to groom Carter for the position. The point is, you’ll be missed. A lot. You’re the baby and I absolutely love you.

Speaking of loving you, you said something the day you left that is still haunting me. I can’t remember your exact words but something to the affect that I loved Ben more than I loved you. Whenever I think about those words I get a giant lump in my chest. Chady, I love all my brothers; I just have more in common with Ben. That doesn’t mean I love him more than you. You are the sweet little baby boy that used to sleep on my bedroom floor just to be close to me. You are the brother I took time out of my busy teenager schedule to drive you to daycare every day. You are the one who, at six, cried and cried when I left home asking if I was leaving because I didn’t love you anymore. Chady, I loved you then, and I love you now. Nothing is going to change that.

Now that we got that out of the way let’s talk Christmas. Mom is going to send you a package from all of us, but is there anything you want me to send? Contraband items of any kind? I’m more than happy to be your dealer. Let me know.

Have a good week Bear, and remember I LOVE YOU!


Friday, November 16, 2007

Street Trash

Dear Asshole in the red Toyota Landcruiser,

Putting a sticker on your vehicle that reads: "I think it was a mistake to give women the right to vote," just shows what a prick you really are. Also, smoking a cigar while driving at 8:30 AM doesn't help your image.

I'm trying to be more careful with my karma, but will risk it when I say, "I hope you burn in hell."


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Google-Talking Ourselves out of Fitness:

me: Is it possible to feel too fat for the gym?

marky: I'm right there with ya. I feel more like doing whatever is opposite of the gym. Which, I guess, is what I am doing right now.

me: I need better gym clothes... that's my thing.

There ya go! Let's go shopping for gym clothes, instead.


marky: Shrug..Target?

me: I could use a Target run.

marky: Sweet.

me: But now I am in ugly gym clothes, so give me a few to change into real clothes again.

marky: Lemme get out of these silly gym clothes. Heh... we're funny.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Secret Life of Marky

My friend Marky has a secret life. He has an entire friend network I've never met. For the longest time I just assumed they were all made up, and served as an excuse why he couldn't accompany me on errands. Then I met one of his imaginary friends, and it turns out he's indeed a real person with a name and everything! But, of course, I instantly forgot his name, so when I see him around town I never say hello. Which isn't a big deal because I'm positive he hates me. There's no other explanation for his odd behavior.

It started at Cafe Niche when I was having brunch with my girlfriends. Non-imaginary friend sat down at the table next to us, drank a little coffee and then bolted to a table across the room. Recognizing him as one of Marky's friends I tried my best to keep the offensive brunch conversation to a minimum by not saying vagina over and over, so I knew that wasn't the reason for his move.

I noticed him again at one of my favorite lunch spots and he did his best to avoid any contact with me. Over the course of a month there's been quite a few run-ins, without any acknowledgment on either of our parts.

I can't help but wonder what Marky is telling his friends to make them hate me so. Is it that I made him leave the U game early to take me to the library? Or is it because I doubted their existence to begin with?

My Mother the Drug Smuggler

Mom: "Just calling to say goodbye. We are leaving in the morning for our trip."

Sarah: "Ok, but who is going to take care of me?"

Mom: "You have three brothers, if you need anything call one of them."

Sarah: "Umm, I actually have four brothers, but what if there's an emergency?"

Mom: "Just call 1-800-Princess."

Sarah: "Mom, come one. Seriously. I'm not playing the part of a princess, by wanting a contact number."

Mom: "We're taking a Princess cruise, Sarah. And before you say anything, yes, without you. Sorry."

Sarah: "Fine... I still love you, but give the contact info to a more responsible child. Have fun and don't forget to bring me a present, but please not from Columbia. I don't have the bail money it would take to spring a drug smuggling mama from jail."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Making Even Holidays Dirty

My family ditched me for Thanksgiving, and left me with the responsibility of finding Ben a suitable place to spend the holiday. My mom took his threat to eat at Village Inn seriously, which is rather silly because it's much easier to order Chinese food, and Ben is all about easy. (Please note: This is not a sly way of saying he dates sluts, because I have no problem telling him his girlfriends are not good enough for him.)

After much consideration I decided we would be spending Thanksgiving with Mrs. AK, her kids, the Japanese basement dwellers and our Canadian turkey baster. AK will be out of the country for the holiday, which sucks because there goes our designated driver, which makes it a weekend affair. If I'm going to have a Thanksgiving off from the Mormon family I'm going to spend it drinking massive amounts of wine--or course, saving some room for turkey and pie.

Today, Mrs. AK and I were assigning duties when she asked, "What task should I assign Ben? Entertainment?" "No," I said, "I told him he would be carving the turkey and peeling veggies. He's really good at skinning things. Which if you think about it is really worrisome." Mrs. AK said, "Yes, but better than Arlo, who is apparently good at boning the turkey."

I cannot wait for our dirty Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Because It's Sunday

Ben and I had a sibling day yesterday. Since he moved to the 'burbs I don't get to see him as much as I did when he lived across the hall. I miss seeing him more, but I don't miss the smell of his sink full of dirty dishes.

We left The Gateway and were driving past the temple when Ben got really quiet. I love it when Ben gets really quiet! It means he's about to say something really weird. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would be something blog worthy.

"I can't believe it took 40 years to build the temple. It's not even that big. I could've built it ALONE in way less time and that includes the time it would take to learn to build a temple."

I'm not good with this religious stuff but I'm pretty sure it's not a building competition between Ben and God. But if it were, my money would be on God--not because I'm a big believer, but because Ben is really lazy.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Suddenly Happy He "Forgot" to Vote

Sarah: "Who lives in Dad's rental property?"

Ben: "Just a bunch of guys, why?"

Sarah: "There is a pro-voucher sign in the yard. It's weird."

Ben: "So. I was pro-voucher too."

Sarah: "Ben, for starters you didn't vote, and second do you even know what the vouchers are about?"

Ben: "No clue, but I would have voted against them just to spite you."

Sarah: "Sometimes I hate you."

Ben: "Whatever. I'll pick you up in 30 minutes for the movie."

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Dating Years, In Utah This Week--Issue# 77

To read this week's column for In Utah This Week go here! Sadly, the footage of Ben singing to me was dark and crummy. Imagining it may be better a whole lot better, just don't do it too long or your head may explode.

Instead just look at how good the boy Clements and I look together:
Or at how weird Ben is:

Thursday, November 08, 2007

The "Magic" Toy

Am I the only childless person tired of hearing about toy recalls? Lead paint? Big freaking deal, who hasn't ingested a little lead paint in their life? At least with the Aqua-Dot recall it's for a good reason: GHB is meant for frat parties, NOT children.

Even the Easy-Bake Oven has been recalled, because of a "burn hazard." No shit! While it is an oven powered by a light bulb, it's still hot. How else do you overcook those little cakes? And recalling Dunkin' Donuts glow sticks because kids are choking on the lanyard? Shouldn't the company be more concerned with the fact kids may eat them? I, for one, put nearly anything with the DD logo in my mouth. And I'm an adult. Ohhh, and another favorite was the recall for Gymboree Pirate Swords because they break and are sharp. Hmmm, a sword that's sharp? Weird.

I remember as a child the dangerous toys were the best kind, like those giant metal Tonka Trucks. Now those could cause some damage when thrown directly at a younger brother (Sorry Ben!). Long gone are the days of natural selection.

I'm not saying I don't want your kids to be safe, unless you are the parent of the child who grabbed my ass at the library--in that case just teach your kid some manners: like saying thank you after grabbing the hottest ass in sight, or teaching him to buy me a drink first!

What I'm trying to say is if my brother, Ben, can survive childhood anyone can! Let your kid be a kid and learn their lesson that light bulbs are hot. A childhood just isn't a childhood without an Easy-Bake Oven.

Family Text Plan

Sarah: "Did you know Roseanne Cash is having brain surgery tomorrow? Do you want to put her name on the temple prayer list, or shall I?"

Ben: "I vote you. You live closer and have less shame associated with walking in."

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Moving On Up

I love my apartment, but have recently come to the conclusion I'm totally over it. It's been a good little spot for me, but it's time to move on. And move up. Only there's a problem: I want to live the good life. Nothing fancy, but it would be nice to wash both dishes and clothing at home. My current apartment has neither a dishwasher or laundry. Paying more rent shouldn't be a problem, but I'm in school and only working a part(ish) time job.

Thus the conundrum.

I've been considering taking on a roommate. I've not had a roomie in years (I'm not counting Daisy, as she never bothers to do any type of house work beyond her attempt to lick imaginary crumbs off the carpet.) I've even found a friend who is also looking for a new home. The only drawback is she's young--fantastic, but young. She looks older than she is, and acts older than she is. Then there's me... I look (I hope!!) younger than I am, and certainly act MUCH younger. If my calculations are correct (which they probably aren't, I'm getting a C in math) then I figure we average out to be 26. She's like a younger sister. In fact I had high hopes of her marrying into the family but she and Ben are "just friends."

Will this work? Do I put my hesitations to bed and jump in? Can she deal with living the spinster life at such a young age? Will we get along? Can she handle my inherited orneriness? Am I worrying too much? Probably. I am, after all, my mother's daughter.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Voting Issues... the Funny Kind

I voted. I considered posting another picture of my sweater voting like I did last time, but decided not to bore you with something I'd done before.

Besides the picture looks almost exactly the same, except my sweater is white this time and I have two brown "I Voted" stickers instead of one. Which really just made my sweater look like it was hosting two giant brown nipples. Which it's not.

After voting I handed the electronic card back to the woman and asked if she could see if my brother had remembered to vote. She looked, and he hadn't. She stuck a second sticker on my sweater and said, "When you see your brother today tell him you have his sticker and won't release it until he's voted." I laughed and then walked through the school out the front door, proudly showing my nipple votes to the small children milling about.

I will not be showing Ben his sticker. I'm sure the woman would understand.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Always the Klutz

A friend gave me a Sonicare for my birthday. I know what you're thinking, "That's an extravagant gift from a friend." But it's okay because we almost got married once.

I've been wanting one for a while, but have a hard time justifying that much money for a toothbrush. That sort of cash should be spent exclusively on hot jeans or shoes.

I was so excited I immediately ran into the bathroom to try out my new toy. However, I made the mistake of putting the toothpaste on and turning the brush on before putting it into my mouth. Not my smartest move! Rather than hugging my friend and thanking him for the gift I managed to get toothpaste in his eye and all over my bathroom. Awesome.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Friends Who Click

Dear Internet,

As I looked around the multiple birthday celebrations this weekend I couldn't help but notice a theme. Well, beyond the "drunken good times" theme I always abide by. I'm talking about the friends I've found through you. You've brought so many spectacular people into my life I might not have found otherwise.

Thank you for that, and I'll consider it my birthday gift this year, since you didn't provide me with free shipping from Sephora.

Love, Sarah

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Friday, November 02, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm 32 today. I know this because my mom left me a voicemail telling me so. It went something like this: "Good Morning sweetheart, it's your birthday. Have a good day." Direct and to the point... I can appreciate that.

Today is like any other day: wake up, swear at the alarm clock, drink too much coffee, shower, get ready and go to work. Only I don't want to. I want to lay around and be lazy. So I compromised; I didn't shave my legs, which is fine since I don't think birthday sex is on my agenda today.

In honor of today, I decided to post a picture of little Sarah:If the writing on the back is correct this was taken on my third birthday. Not a lot has changed with my sleeping habits. I still sleep with pink pajamas, only they don't have feet anymore. Ernie has been replaced with a pug, my bed is a little bigger now, and I don't sleep with a beanie. Unless I'm cold.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Birthday Letter from Missionary Brother

Dear Sis,

I hope this letter makes it in time to tell you I couldn't find Hello Kitty wine for your birthday. Sorry. I looked EVERYWHERE, and I don't know if it actually exists. But I tried. However, I did find this sweet bike for you.I was going to get it and send it to you by boat, but I'd starve the rest of my mission. We don't get a whole lot of money. Sorry. Maybe next time.

How old are you going to be this year? Was it 21 or 22? I can't remember. By the way, I thought you'd like a picture of me with Sapporo beer. Ever tried it? Any good? I was about to buy it and sent you some but realized two things: I was transferring the next day and it might be bad to show up with beer in my luggage, and also you can probably buy it in Utah. Notice the symbol for beer in Japanese. It may be useful when you come pick me up! I love you and thank you for everything you do for me. Including the time when I was little and you tricked me into getting drunk. I really thought I was drunk even though it was apple cider. I've never have any alcohol since that day. I think I was four of six. You were a funny sister to have then and now.

Happy Birthday!!!

Love, Elder Bear

The Dating Years, In Utah This Week--Issue# 76

To read this week's column click here!

Also, this week my friend Jake's first piece is appearing in In Utah This Week. After reading it here, show him your support and leave him a comment!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Green Gooey Grossness

My Visiting Teacher or the Holy Ghost left these at my door. Just another reason why I don't like Halloween---rather than the usual baked miracles she leaves me, I'm left with what I can only assume is Shrek fingers made out of bread dough.

Boo to You and Yours

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween, even though I'm not a fan of the holiday.

Halloween week freaks me out... I hate seeing people dressed weird and wondering if it's their normal attire or a costume. Case in point, last week I saw a couple sporting Spock ears while downtown for the Sarah Vowell reading. Costume or just freaks?

I'll be celebrating the holiday the best way I know how: drunk in Maddie's basement watching bad vampire flicks.

And here's to hoping her fat cat left me some candy!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Always Dad, Never Daddy

My father and I have nothing in common that extends beyond shared physical attributes. This said, we don't get along. I stopped being daddy's little princess the moment I learned to form my own opinions. Stop. We do have something in common! We are both opinionated and built with razor sharp tongues.

Lately I'm starting to realize my parents aren't getting any younger. I want to spend more time with my family now than I ever have before. I mentioned to my mom I wanted to have a positive memory of my dad as an adult. She agreed this was important. So I went out on a limb and found something we could hopefully bond over.

My dad is a runner, and has been as long as I can remember. Years ago he and my brothers would run races together. This was exactly what I needed! I decided to call my dad and let him know I'd started training and would he 1) buy me running shoes for my birthday, and 2) run a race with me this spring.

This request had nothing to do with religion, school, family or anything we tend to fight over. This was just feet hitting the pavement, and yet somehow it turned out to be the usual friction between us--He was his typical abrasive self. I faked my way through the conversation and quickly hung up. Then I cried.

I'll never have the kind of father I think I want. But I do have a father who loves me and would do anything in his power to protect me. Why isn't that enough?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Starbucks vs. Bad Ass Coffee

AK and Mrs. AK threw a brilliant Halloween party this year. Forgetting that their friends who own Bad Ass Coffee would be there, I dressed up as a Starbucks barista, complete with a venti cup of red wine! And so the competition began. Steve was a great sport and posed for some pictures. Sadly, the best photos of the night won't be posted.


Because the hot man in an apron spanking me with a spatula didn't want them posted. I can't blame him though, as he was without clothes under the apron. Oy!

Broken Heart No More...

Over the past year and a half I've spent time hating when I should've been healing. Frankly, hate is exhausting and simply not worth my time. I have better things to do. I have good friends who love me, an amazing family who adores me, and brothers who would do anything for me. I have a good life. It's time to recognize that and get over the past.

The void has been filled with understanding and forgiveness. Life goes on, and so shall I.

And with that, I'm over it!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Birthday Boobs!

My birthday celebration got started a little early this year. Some of the girls and I met at the Pub for lunch today. Midge brought along birthday presents conveniently disguised as strawberry cupcakes. She knew I wouldn't drive to Ogden for boobs, so she brought the boobs to me. Proving, once again, she's my best girl!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Still Not Worth the Drive

Ben: "You HAVE to go to Bogies tonight!"

Sarah: "Umm, what is that and why?"

Ben: "It's a club in Ogden that's giving away a free boob job tonight."

Sarah: "What are you trying to say Ben?"

Ben: "Nothing! You're the one who wants it, and free is free."

Sarah: "But is driving to Ogden really worth boobs?"

Ben: "Not even close."

Sarah: "Okay, well thanks for thinking of my tits."

Ben: "Eww. I gotta go."

Shake That Healthy Butt

Yesterday afternoon I picked the kids up at school and was headed home when my random iPod mix started playing Richard Cheese singing "Baby Got Back." Naively, I didn't bother changing it because the kids were talking and I didn't think they'd even notice. They did, and LOVED it! And really, why wouldn't they, the song says butt repeatedly--which is apparently a bad word. They insisted on listening to it over and over--always on a quest to be the "fun auntie" I let them.

Once we were inside Target I realized what a bad idea it had been. I was looking at jackets and they were singing lyrics about asses, which wasn't exactly a big hit with those Utah County mothers. For a moment I thought about pretending they weren't with me, but once Hannah started shaking her butt and singing I didn't have the heart to. Instead I scooped her up, gave her a kiss and told her she was the best dancer I'd ever seen. And it was the truth.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

My Parenting Skills are Shit

This morning I was two hours late for work. I didn't factor in three and a half year old time. Seriously, these kids have major attitude. Don't get me wrong, I love that about them, but when you're trying to hurry and they aren't... well you know.

I spent at least ten minutes arguing with Hannah why she can't have chips for breakfast. She, of course, insisted her mom lets her eat them for breakfast every single day, which, she obviously doesn't. I tried giving her the whole nutritional value speech, but she wasn't having any of that.

So what did I do? I gave up. I took a Dorito, broke it into pieces and tossed it on top of her oatmeal. And guess what? She ate it. In a way we both won, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

IN This Week--The Dating Years--Issue#75

To read this week's installment of "The Dating Years" go here!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Aunt Scary Pants

My brother and sister-in-law are out of town so I'm staying with the twins this week. I'm fully aware of just what an awesome sister I am. Are they?

While the kids were finding their blankets, dolls, and special pillows they apparently can't sleep without, I changed into my pj's. When I walked out Carter looked up at me in disdain and asked, "What are those?" I replied, "These are my pajamas, Buddy." He looked confused for a moment and blurted out, "But, that's boy underwear... and yellow with crocodiles, not pink."

He was less than pleased at the idea of his auntie wearing something other than pink. You can't really explain to a child that there's nothing more comfortable to sleep in than a pair of boxers stolen from an ex-boyfriend. Hannah, on the other hand, took one look at me and said, "I like your underwear and I'm not scared of them."

It's nice to have underwear approval from a three-year-old. Now if I could find an adult male who felt the same way.

Rockstar Training

Ben: “What are you up to?”

Sarah: “Meeting Jess at the park to go running. Why, what’s up?”

Ben: “I’m sorry; I must have dialed the wrong number. Why are you running?”

Sarah: “I decided to train and run a few races. I need more incentive than the dumb gym can provide to get into shape.”

Ben: “Really? That’s so cool. I’ll run a race with you.”

Sarah: “That would be awesome!”

Ben: “And because I love you I won’t even train for it. That way you can keep up with me.”

Sarah: “And because I love you, I won’t call you a jerk right now.”

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ice, Ice Baby!

My Google Chat personal message today reads, "Can dry humping Vanilla Ice cause burns?" Yes, I'm that excited about his upcoming show. Seeing the message my friend Jeff Bell was very worried about the health of my lady parts.

Jeff: Were you dry humping Vanilla Ice? Cause that's kinds icky.
me: yup!!

Jeff: You could catch something.

me: Which is why it's soooo exciting!

Jeff: Those kind of daredevil antics could make your vagina fall off!

It's a darn shame he can't see what I'm wearing today:

My love for Vanilla Ice has no limits. Word.


Walking to the pub last night for Family Home Evening I saw this painted on the sidewalk: I love watching for sidewalk art so it was a good find, but the best part was when I noticed the drug free sign on the school three feet away! The laughter kept Maddie and I warm the remainder of the way. Which was good since I forgot proper winter attire.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Quote of the Day:

"A Post-it does not cure chlamydia."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Ben is a Killer!

Ben: "I know you're mad at me for killing a deer."

Sarah: "Of course I am! For multiple reasons... number one, you didn't even feel bad about it."

Ben: "I told you that it would've been dead within ten minutes. There were a ton of hunters around us. So it might as well be me that shot it."

Sarah: "That doesn't make it any better. And I'm also mad that you didn't wear your mullet hunting. If you're going to go hunting you might as well make it as white trash as possible.

Ben: "Fine. I understand why you're pissed, but does it help that I went to a vegan restaurant for breakfast today?

Sarah: "No."

Ben: "You can't be mad anymore otherwise I ate fake meat for nothing, and then I'll be the pissed off one."

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Aimee Bakes a Win

I have the Sox game playing in the background while I'm writing a paper, but I don't need to pay attention because Aimee made cookies. I did my part and ate six yesterday, so it's a guaranteed win!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Spoon Me If You Can!

Girl's Night Out last night led us to Red Rock for burgers and beer and then to Spoon Me for frozen yogurt. I'm usually anti anything that could be a venue for Mormon dating, but with the promise of a healthy ice cream alternative my ass and I were game.

Maddie was feeling bitter about eating cold food in the cold, but settled down once Hannah spooned her in the bathroom.

As for me? I got my spooning later on in the evening. And it was good.