Arlo's Plump Perogies

Valentine's Day dinner looked beautiful on the plate, however, later that night it didn't look so pretty coming back up. It's interesting that no one else got sick from the meal. And by "interesting" I mean ARLO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!

He's got plenty of justifiable reasons to want me dead. In fact, the whole thing is rather ironic. Just yesterday, some friends and I were talking about how much grief I give Arlo. We agreed that if he did indeed kill me, no jury in the world would convict him. I'd like to think the reason he attempted to poison me wasn't necessarily due to the fact I force him to watch bad reality TV with me, or the fact I tease him mercilessly, but because I burned the one portion of the dinner I was in charge of:

Top Ten Reasons to be Single on Valentine's Day:

1) Sleeping in ten extra minutes, because there is no need to shave my legs.

2) My panties and bra don't have to match.

3) I have a reason to listen to the Eels "Love of the Loveless" over, and over all day long.

4) The only flowers in my house are ones I've purchased myself, so there will be no sneezing due to allergies this year.

5) I don't have to wear perfume, unless I want to.

6) No one is going to drag me to a steak house thinking I'll be impressed, and then remember ten minutes into the meal I don't eat steak.

7) The only gifts purchased for the holiday are those for myself.

8) I don't have to try and have dainty girl eating habits at dinner tonight. I can pig out on Valentine's Day candy and no one will care.

10) And best of all, I get to spend the evening with friends watching "Rock of Love" on Tivo. Though, if Arlo meets someone and falls in love within the next eight hours my evening is ruined.

Quote of the Day:

"There is something to be said about dying young and leaving a good-looking corpse. Necrophilia is so much more palatable when you look like Heath Ledger."--The Yuppie

I seriously have the best collection of ex-boyfriends this state has to offer. Now, to keep them all single so we can remain friends always. That's not too selfish, right?

Notes from the Weekend

If your driver license has expired and you’ve been too busy to renew it, bar hopping is a bad idea.

Carpet burns are better on your elbows then face.

Broken toes hurt.

Men from Holland bounce their heads way too much.

When you talk shit on someone and then make your girlfriend stick up for you, you are the one who should be kicked in the baby. Even if you are my brother.

Lemonade and Southern Comfort doesn’t make me barf.

In Utah This Week, Issue #89

The Yuppie strikes again--click here to read this week's "The Dating Years."

Venting Session Update

Winter: still here. Still sucks. Silver lining: great reason to buy cute coats and boots.

Burn: still hurts. Silver lining: Barbie Band-Aids!

Construction: Still loud. Silver lining: ______!

Math: Pissed about having to install Windows on my computer, but thankful for friends who offer great advice. Silver lining: own a cool new computer with plenty of space for installation.

In other news, it’s one day closer to the weekend! And the weekend brings two birthday parties. Neither of which are for me, but both are great guys who are smart enough to know to provide wine and chocolate cake, right?

Sundance Strangers

"Arlo, will you sit there? I don't want to sit by a stranger."

"Sarah, that's not a stranger that's Ross. He's with us."

"He is? I don't know him."

"Yeah, you do. You've met him a couple of times."

"Ohhh, was he the one dressed like a woman for Halloween?"

"Yes... a geisha."

"Okay, then I definitely don't want to sit by him."

Let the Dancing Begin

My first Sundance movie is tonight. Let the festival begin!

I just hope Arlo doesn’t let me fall if/when I slip on the ice this year. Last year when it happened I was nice about it. This year that won’t be happening.

I’ll punch him.

Hard.

Ten Songs for Dry Humping

veryGEORGE! is very bossy. After much prodding on his part I'm finally posting the top songs I'd dry hump to. To read his rules and post go here. I've never been one to keep rules and I'm certainly not going to start now. Since I've not been a teenager in a very long time and I sincerely doubt I've ever dry humped as much as George so I'm only posting ten songs.

Sade--Smooth Operator
How I spent 1996. Enough said.
Guns N' Roses--November Rain
I was sixteen and horny once. In fact, I'm positive this was the song I made out to on multiple occasions in the eleventh grade. Ahhh, the good old days.
Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam
Come on, admit it... we've all had the hots for the Mormon Jesus. Those blue eyes and beautiful blond locks.
Mazzy Star--Fade Into You
Find me someone that doesn't think naughty thoughts during this song and I'll do my best to change that.
I Hope They Call Me on Mission
Clean cut guys in suits are hot. I did my part in corrupting a few over the years.
Ben Folds Five--The Luckiest
I've always loved this song. And fondly remember trying to get my Mormon boyfriend to have sex while listening. I lost.
Heather Nova--Blood of Me
She's totally girl crush hot AND says the fuck word sexier than any female singer alive.
Journey--Faithfully
I don't care that George already used this one. It just breeds teenage humping. I'm pretty sure it was responsible for the great hickey incident of 1993.
Al Green--I'm Still in Love With You
Do I really need to explain this one? Total hump music.
The Sundays--Wild Horses
Sexy, sexy, SEXY!

You'll notice there isn't any recent music on this list because since last year's dry hump incident I've sworn off of it.

Karma is my Bitch

Last night I drove to West Jordan to meet friends for a movie. I’ve been dying to see Sweeny Todd and they were going, so it was well worth the commute. Plus they don’t suck.

MapQuest totally lied to me—it took way longer than 16 minutes to get there. Luckily I had my new Spice Girls CD to listen to, so I didn’t mind as much. Getting out of the car I was still singing the Wannabe lyrics…

“Yo. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell me what you want, what you really really want.”

…slightly off-key and entirely louder than I should’ve been, when I heard snickering behind me. Embarrassed I started walking faster, but in my non-weather appropriate footwear that wasn’t such a good idea. I, of course, slipped and in my attempt to keep from falling on my ass I accidentally grabbed the side mirror of a car, nearly tearing it off. It was all sorts of awesome, since the car belonged to the laugher.

So, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. Not to look like a dumb ass in public, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Warm Vibrations

Jess had the girls over last night for a PJ party. Over dessert we discussed sex toys. The conversation was much like the one every man imagines, only we didn't have a pillow fight in our panties afterwards.

I regaled the girls with a story of my mother and her body massager from The Sharper Image. Everyone knows those massager's aren't intended for use on your back. I tried explaining this to my mom, but she wouldn't listen. One weekend when both Ben and I were home my mom's neighbor and her young daughter came over to visit. 

We were sitting around talking when I noticed the little girl had picked up the alleged vibrator and started massaging her feet.  It didn't take long before I heard some weird noises coming from her.  We all looked over to see she's moved from her feet to her crotch.  I asked her why she was rubbing herself there and was told,  "It just feels best there."  I looked over at my mom and said, "See!  Even a three-year-old knows it's a vibrator!"

My mom admitted I was right, and started calling it her vibrator, but still left it in the front room anyway.  Which makes for VERY awkward moments when she looks at Ben and asks him to bring her the vibrator every time her neck hurts.  And people wonder why Ben is so weird...

NOT a Cougar

I can't decide to laugh about this, or eat a container of ice cream and cry. A cougar? Seriously, George? Our imaginary cuddle affair is over!

Rest assured little Georgie, if I get married due to your post you can skim 10% off the wedding gifts and money. But stay away from my bridesmaids!

Even the Brilliant Sometimes Forget

Jessica: How was the rest of your weekend?

me: Spectacular!

Jessica: Oh really? That's great! Do tell...

me: Ira Glass yesterday=BRILLIANT!

Jessica: Oh, right. My office mate, said the same thing. She has a crush on him.

me: Ditto!

Jessica: What did he talk about?

me: He was great. He played some of the better clips, talked about where he gets show ideas, gave advice on people doing their own documentaries.
BUT, forgot to proclaim his love for me, which was sort of annoying!

Jessica: That happened to me when I went to see Mo Rocca. I thought for sure I was going to become engaged that night. But no. He regaled us with his high kicks, and then went home.

me: People are retarded. Don't they know how fabulous we are?!

Jessica: I don't think they do. I can't speak for Ira, but I'm pretty sure Mo is blinded by his gayness.

me: I think Ira just forgot.

Jessica: He might have had a lot on his mind, what with performing and all. He'll probably call you today to apologize for being such a dork...

me: I've got my phone in my pocket, just in case. It'll happen.

Bar Talk

When Tommy is in town the majority of free-time is spent at Murphy’s. He’s worth the lung cancer I’m convinced I've developed over the last few days. He left this morning, so last night the troops rallied to give him a proper send-off. I promised myself I’d only stay a couple of hours, but that never seems to work. I also promised myself I’d not have any embarrassing moments, which also didn’t seem to work.

Miss D, my all-time favorite woman of the group, was there. I’ve not seen her as she’s been gallivanting around Europe, leaving us to fend for ourselves. (Many Hootie songs were heard on her behalf.) In my excitement to see her I didn’t pay much attention to the others sitting at the table. I started talking to her and another friend about my dating life and in typical Sarah fashion ended the story by uttering the term “dry-humping.” It was at that moment Miss D looked at the man sitting across from her and said, “Sarah, this is my father.” I could feel a slow burn rising to my cheeks and said, “OF course it is!” Miss D laughed and said something about another classic Sarah moment.

He had a great sense of humor and wasn’t bothered at all. Luckily my dating life is in a lull these days; otherwise, I’m afraid of what other non-parental term I may have uttered in front of him.

Later in the evening I was looking for my purse and found it tucked away at his table. I’m guessing he sensed my lack of responsibility and decided he better keep an eye out for me. And I’m sure glad he did! I need all the help I can get.

Good Luck Charms

I had a math test last night. In a frantic rush to get out the door I didn't take the time to look for my cute Hello Kitty pencil Mrs. Ak brought me from Japan, instead just grabbed the first pencil in my junk drawer. I tossed it and a calculator into my bag and was off.

It wasn't until half way through the test when I needed to erase something that I noticed the penis pencil topper. I'm not in the habit of adding extra male anatomy to already semi-phallic items--this was all Quinn-diesel's doing. Last year when he spruced my my pen and pencil jar I laughed and shoved in in a drawer, forgetting about it until today.

As silly as I felt I still scored my highest thus far. Now the debate begins: do I take my good luck pencil back next week, or pass the good luck on and stash it in a co-workers office?

To Do List

I went to brunch today with Mrs. AK and Little AK. While we were (im)patiently waiting for our pancakes Little AK made her daily list of things to do.

1. Be cute
2. Wear pink
3. Laugh at Arlo
4. Laugh at Ben
5. Be smart
6. Don't whine
7. Watch Hannah Montana

After reading her list I realized we have the exact same day planned, excluding Hannah Montana of course, as I had already planned to watch Gilmore Girls.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I have so much to be thankful this year...

I'm thankful I have loving and loyal friends who are family to me. Especially Mrs. AK, who despite being British, planned an all-American Thanksgiving feast complete with a child's place setting for Ben.Speaking of family, even though my parents decided to spend the holiday amongst drug dealers and elderly vacationers, I'm extremely thankful I have both a mom and a dad. I'm also thankful I have such cool brothers, a sister-in-law that I adore, and the most amazing niece and nephew in the entire world.

I could on, but I won't. There's cooking to be done. Granted I'll just be watching, but watch I shall! Obviously I'll be paying closer attention to our Canadian friend's ass, than I will any food preparation, but have complete faith he won't poison me. I think.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Making Even Holidays Dirty

My family ditched me for Thanksgiving, and left me with the responsibility of finding Ben a suitable place to spend the holiday. My mom took his threat to eat at Village Inn seriously, which is rather silly because it's much easier to order Chinese food, and Ben is all about easy. (Please note: This is not a sly way of saying he dates sluts, because I have no problem telling him his girlfriends are not good enough for him.)

After much consideration I decided we would be spending Thanksgiving with Mrs. AK, her kids, the Japanese basement dwellers and our Canadian turkey baster. AK will be out of the country for the holiday, which sucks because there goes our designated driver, which makes it a weekend affair. If I'm going to have a Thanksgiving off from the Mormon family I'm going to spend it drinking massive amounts of wine--or course, saving some room for turkey and pie.

Today, Mrs. AK and I were assigning duties when she asked, "What task should I assign Ben? Entertainment?" "No," I said, "I told him he would be carving the turkey and peeling veggies. He's really good at skinning things. Which if you think about it is really worrisome." Mrs. AK said, "Yes, but better than Arlo, who is apparently good at boning the turkey."

I cannot wait for our dirty Thanksgiving!

Moving On Up

I love my apartment, but have recently come to the conclusion I'm totally over it. It's been a good little spot for me, but it's time to move on. And move up. Only there's a problem: I want to live the good life. Nothing fancy, but it would be nice to wash both dishes and clothing at home. My current apartment has neither a dishwasher or laundry. Paying more rent shouldn't be a problem, but I'm in school and only working a part(ish) time job.

Thus the conundrum.

I've been considering taking on a roommate. I've not had a roomie in years (I'm not counting Daisy, as she never bothers to do any type of house work beyond her attempt to lick imaginary crumbs off the carpet.) I've even found a friend who is also looking for a new home. The only drawback is she's young--fantastic, but young. She looks older than she is, and acts older than she is. Then there's me... I look (I hope!!) younger than I am, and certainly act MUCH younger. If my calculations are correct (which they probably aren't, I'm getting a C in math) then I figure we average out to be 26. She's like a younger sister. In fact I had high hopes of her marrying into the family but she and Ben are "just friends."

Will this work? Do I put my hesitations to bed and jump in? Can she deal with living the spinster life at such a young age? Will we get along? Can she handle my inherited orneriness? Am I worrying too much? Probably. I am, after all, my mother's daughter.

Always the Klutz

A friend gave me a Sonicare for my birthday. I know what you're thinking, "That's an extravagant gift from a friend." But it's okay because we almost got married once.

I've been wanting one for a while, but have a hard time justifying that much money for a toothbrush. That sort of cash should be spent exclusively on hot jeans or shoes.

I was so excited I immediately ran into the bathroom to try out my new toy. However, I made the mistake of putting the toothpaste on and turning the brush on before putting it into my mouth. Not my smartest move! Rather than hugging my friend and thanking him for the gift I managed to get toothpaste in his eye and all over my bathroom. Awesome.