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Saturday, March 31, 2007

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

i'm taking advantage of today's sunshine by doing laundry without dying. i should explain...i live in an old victorian home that's been converted into apartments. the only laundry facility is in the creepy basement--i'm talking silence of the lambs creepy. i always end up doing my laundry at night, each time imagining my own death.

while i was down there, i could hear my neighbor singing very off-key to what i assume was the tabernacle choir, it is conference weekend, after all. i started laughing but quickly stopped when i remembered i had just caught myself dancing to the hip-hop abs workout infomercial.

Friday, March 30, 2007

utah radio i don't hate:

i'm a huge fan of public radio. i look forward to this american life and the diane rehm show, but thanks to the folks over at kcpw for giving me a new favorite: fair game. if you aren't a listener you should be. the host's name is faith salie and is fabulous for so many reasons--she's girly, smart, her website has pink on it and she did a stint on sex in the city and, um, star trek: deep space nine, but no judgement.

self-appointed matchmaker

wouldn't it be nice if you could handpick your family? though, i can't imagine giving up any of my family, so maybe if i could pick who they marry. that's it--i should be in charge of the family matchmaking, though i have no obvious skills since i'm single. BUT, i could pick out killer matches for my brothers.

1. gwen stefani because she's gwen stefani.
2. angelina jolie because i'm guaranteed to get a boatload of nieces and nephews out of the deal.
3. aishwarya rai because not only is she beautiful but perhaps i could wear a pink sari to the wedding.
4. norah jones because then my mom couldn't be upset no one else in the family enjoys singing.
5. sarah silverman because i wouldn't be the crudest female at the dinner table.
6. debbie harrie because i'd suddenly be the younger blond.
7. jessica simpson because she would be fun to laugh at.
8. natalie portman because she may agree to shave her head when whichever brother she marries goes bald--sympathy hair loss goes a long way in the nielson family.
9. anna kournikova because she's hot, and she'd play tennis with chady-bear so the rest of us didn't have to.
10. rachel ray because then maybe once we'd have something besides dry mormon roast for sunday dinner.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

the perfect cheesy date--column 3.29.07

go here to read this week's column, unless you're my mother. then please direct your attention to your other children--the ones who don't disappoint you online.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


i can't stop smelling my armpits. it smells like fresh baked cookies under there. i bought new vanilla chai deodorant a few days ago, and man i smell good. it's so awkward when you want to eat your own armpits.

i was with a friend and he mentioned something smelled good. when i told him it was my pits and asked if he wanted to smell he nearly threw me out of the car. you would think he'd be happy i smelled so lovely, but no...

my drug of choice

a friend of mine was rubbing it in telling me his intentions to purchase the new apple tv. discounting his ipod this will be his first apple purchase. i warned him it's like crack, but prettier. seriously, you can't quit. i own three ipods, an ibook and have an apple wish list longer than anna nicole smith's drug list.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

why i'm never taken seriously:

picture it...

i'm in a one-on-one appointment with someone i admire, and look up to a great deal, when my phone starts ringing. i quickly try to silence it, but instead accidentally answer it and place it back into my bag. i continue on with my conversation until i hear a man yelling from inside my handbag. i realize my mistake, terminate the call, blush and move on. if my ring tone wasn't aqua's "barbie girl" song, it may have lessened the humiliation factor.

i've GOT to start remembering to put my phone on vibrate, of all people you'd think i'd have that mastered.

Monday, March 26, 2007

BBQ Season Kick-off

I went to a BBQ last night at a friend’s house. These are some of my favorite boys around, so much in fact when they call me bitch I just smile and get them another beer. Because really isn’t that what a good bitch does?

Feeling guilty that I wasn’t helping, I walked into the kitchen and offered assistance to the pretty boy with dimples. He requested I grab an onion out of the friends and cut it for the burgers. A woman in the kitchen, who I didn’t know, said “Oh, I’ll do it—she probably doesn’t even know how to cut an onion.” I don’t know why but this totally hurt my feelings. She was pretty accurate, since I’ve not cut an onion in years, but really how difficult can it be? I smiled politely and quickly left the kitchen for the sanctity of the porch.

Since summer is just around the corner, perhaps I should buy a book that demonstrates (with pictures) how to properly cut all vegetables. It might just be worth my time.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

column feedback

i want to thank everyone who emailed me after reading thursday's column. from the huge response it sounds like i'm not the only one in the city with a broken heart. thanks for sharing and trusting me with your own breakup stories--it really means a lot to me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

it's time you met the real me--column 3.22.07

this week's column can be found here. this particular one was very emotional for me to write. adding the picture of my dream ring nearly threw me into a prozac seeking fit. be gentle.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

revalations 2--midge, this one's for you.

when i'm depressed i let my dog sleep on my bed.
i can't break the diet coke habit, no matter how hard i try. sometimes i drink one with a vitamin and consider it breakfast.
i think my legs are too fat.
i have a weakness for shoes, they live in a giant pile at the bottom of my closet. i always say i'm going to get a shoe organizer, but i never do.
i like to be earth friendly, but i use paper bowls sometimes because i hate doing dishes.
i do yoga almost every day and count it as exercise.
i stress out every single day over what to wear.
i hate most of my clothing and wish i had a better sense of fashion.
i hate that kate spade discourages light pink because it's cute and she hates cute.
i like to make fun of things, but hate being called judgemental.
i'm nervous to sleep with new people.
if i could, i'd wear my pink 'roos every single day, even with dresses.
i hate my hair, but am afraid if i cut it shorter or change the color i won't be pretty.
sometimes i look in the mirror and think i'm pretty, other times i think i'm too ugly to leave the house.
whatever i wear to bed has to match, even though no one is going to see me.
i'm addicted to lip balm.
i make lists for everything, but usually forget them.
i think god and my mother are confused about the year i was born. i certainly don't feel 31.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

i'm in love!

that's right, i'm totally and madly in love with my new phone. remember when i said i'd never own a blackberry? i lied. it's just like tivo, i can't imagine life without it.

the pearl is just as pretty as i had hoped, not to mention it does everything. if there were a legal way to marry it i would! it's the best gadget i've ever owned, beating the eager beaver back massager i got as a birthday gift a couple years ago. it slept on the pillow next to mine last night--we're deep into a relationship, so i felt it only appropriate. truthfully, i like it better than a lot of men who've ended up sleeping on that pillow.

i'm sure i'll receive a call from my mother asking how i expect to snag a husband when i announce in public forum that i'd rather marry my phone.

Monday, March 19, 2007

poo & dew!

i forgot to mention something very important about ben's workplace. in the employee bathroom you can get a drink from the machine while you're on the toilet. it's a boy's paradise!

since ben's suffered enough blog humiliation i made one of his cashier's demonstrate, and because i already get enough weird email i insisted he keep his pants on. you're welcome.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

i have readers!

slcup and i went to see volver friday night at the broadway. i noticed the women in front of us reading my column and made slcup take a picture of it. in that one moment all the issues with work and blogging faded away. it's worth it.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

a nascar st. patty's day

banjo ben manages a car parts store in west jordan. when he called me this afternoon to invite me to come out and eat st. patty's day brats with them i went--mostly because i needed the oil in my car checked. when slcup and i got there ben had a gift for me. he knows how much i hate all things nascar so got me a hat that screams nascar fan. i agreed to a picture just so i could show off my cute pink shamrock shirt. a holiday just isn't a holiday without pink!happy st. patrick's day everyone! may all your beer be green!

Friday, March 16, 2007

friday revelations

as suggested by lincoln, here is a post of self revelations:

If cooked cauliflower didn’t smell so badly, I’d eat it every night.
I have a weakness for cheese. And ice cream.
I’m trying really hard to buy things in other colors besides pink.
I can’t stand clean clothes on the floor, even when they’re someone else’s.
I’m scared of Math.
I watch more TV than I should.
I sleep with baby blanket.
I miss sleeping with one certain man, and only that man. He cuddles properly.
I wish I could cook. I wish I had a real kitchen to learn to cook.
I crave gas station hot dogs all the time, but hate eating meat.
I’m a neat freak, but my apartment looks like it suffered an explosion.
I wonder all the time if I’ll ever love someone again.
Sometimes I play favorites with my niece and nephew, but I love them the same.My sister-in-law, Holli, had the best fashion and I wish I could steal her clothes.
I didn’t like said sister-in-law at first, but now I love her dearly and can’t imagine not having her as a sister.
I worry Ben will marry someone I hate.
If I don’t like the ending of a book, I rewrite it.
I hope to someday write a book and have someone care enough to read it.
I regret not finishing a degree, and have recently vowed to finish.
I miss working with my geeks.
I hate writing with anything other than blue ink pens.
I am a giant flake, but have no interest in changing.
I pretend I don’t care what others think of me, but I do. A lot.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

thursday night addiction

tonight is a new episode of grey's anatomy! so rather than being outside enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, i'll be in hibernation mode on my couch. there's no place i'd rather be, well unless it was somewhere watching it on a big screen television with pretty boys fanning me and feeding me an assortment of treats, including but not limited to red vines, caramel popcorn and jelly beans.

since that isn't happening i'll be getting ice cream and putting jammies on for the big event, because that's how i roll.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

solving a friendly problem, column 3-15-06

this week's column was posted a day early, and can be read here. you knew i'd have something to say about a dead superhero, didn't you...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

why i need a pearl

i never lose my cell phone. everything else, sure, but never my phone... until tonight. since i don't have a land line i couldn't simply call it and follow the very annoying ring tone. i looked for about twenty minutes until i remembered i could email it and follow the also annoying message beep. eight emails later i found it on the spiral stairs leading to my loft. i have no idea how it ended up there, because i don't even remember going upstairs tonight. i hate turning into my mother.

at least now i can justify ordering the pearl. i'd never lose a pretty phone, because it would never be out of my sight. i wonder if it comes with a waterproof case for the shower...

traffic light eating disorders

i have semi healthy eating habits, excluding my massive addiction to caffeine. since i agreed to wear the world's smallest bridesmaid dress in a couple of months i'm really going to watch what i eat for a while.

last night at the grocery store i checked to make sure i was buying products with wheat flour not bleached flour (obviously i read the south beach diet book.); i bought soy milk over "real" milk; i steered clear of frozen foods and went for the fresh veggies; i wiped away a tear and skipped the ice cream and pick up some low fat cottage cheese; i glanced fondly at the grandma sycamore's white bread, but reached for the wheat bread with the lowest sugar content; i picked the low sodium crackers, and finally i stocked up on my multi-vitamin pills.

i felt good about my grocery outing, but then on the way home i found myself unwrapping a wedge of death, or brie cheese as the label reads, and taking a bite at the world's longest stop light. as usual i refuse to accept any blame for my actions--this time, i blame the city.

the moral to this self deprecating story is to either start eating lunch or run every red light in the city.

Monday, March 12, 2007

fluent in pervert

i asked that one guy a mortgage related question today, to which he laughed. go figure.

"what does 'full doc rt' stand for? i mean i know what rt stands for in guy language, but what does it stand for in real estate language?"

Sunday, March 11, 2007

post employment funk

i'm in a funk, understandably so--being unemployed can do that to a girl. let me clarify... i'm not in the kind of funk that turns one to retreat in a bottle of vodka and fist full of pills. so, i guess it could be worse.

conserving cash really puts a strain on my ability to function. for example i'm not been to the wine store, or even grocery shopping. the latter should not set off any alarms, as i rarely do that anyway. oh, and don't get me started on how much i miss my soy, sugar-free hazelnut latte from sbux! playing the needs vs. want game totally sucks: i need to get the oil changed in my car, but i want these new shoes. i need to get a new battery for my ibook, but i want this cell phone.

but you know, it's totally worth it-- no more stress headaches among other physical ailments. (insert freedom quote here.)

search me

site meter is my best friend. i love seeing where my readers are located, but even more i love to see the search words people use to find me. i found this little goodie today:

Search Words:
frank sinatra well endowed inch

Saturday, March 10, 2007

perks pt.2

another perk of being unemployed is guilt lunches. friends who are gainfully employed feel guilty i'm not and take me on lunch outings. today's guilt lunch was sponsored by my pal dave. so far he's the winner because the lunch ended with take home imported chocolate. yes, i am easily pleased and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. thanks, dave!

Friday, March 09, 2007

a small reason to break-up, column 3/8/07

go here to read my column for this week. it's currently my only paying gig so enjoy!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

ben finds love

when i tell people ben is weird they just laugh, but little do they know he really, really is! my other brother matt turned 30 last week, forcing us to drive to utah county.

hannah had a leftover birthday decoration still up: a life size cardboard princess cut out. i just had to snap this picture: not sure if he was pretending to eat the princess (which we know he does) or get under her dress. either way... WEIRD!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

best of utah

bob over at TWATM is one clever cat. click here to see why. as bob suggested here, i was going to log on and vote. might as well join the irony game while i'm there!

if you want to vote for best of utah, go here. (please note i'm not supporting cw, only because they're mean.) i voted for thomas burr as best reporter, and i think you should too. why wouldn't you, he's cute...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

playing dirty?

i can't decide whether to laugh at this, or be pissed. on second thought i think i'll laugh it off, since i have enough these days to be pissed about.

Monday, March 05, 2007


to cheer myself up i bought these shoes over the weekend. they're officially my unemployed shoes. working in a professional atmosphere doesn't allow for clothing with skulls, however, hanging out at home does!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

thank you!

as you can imagine things have been rather hectic in my world over the past couple of days. i want to thank everyone for their amazing support. the blog world, i've found, is a tight knit community who take care of their own. thank you for all the kind emails and posts. i've read them all and am very appreciative.

i forgot to post my column for this week, sorry! you can find it here, it's a willie nelson tribute. to see photos of the concert go here.

while on the subject, i want to make sure everyone understands i'm not referring to IN utah this week or the SL tribune as my current employer. i write a weekly column for them, but am not a full-time employee on their staff. the magazine and their staff have been very supportive of my blog, in fact that's how i came to write for them.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


apparently china isn't the only country that believes in censorship. today the powers that be informed me they've stumbled across my blog. this did not come as a shock since my site meter shows hits coming in from cities where our corporate offices are located. what did come as a shock was the request to stop blogging. however, isn't there a little thing known as the first amendment? personally my favorite amendment, since i'm a very vocal and opinionated person.

they're not pleased with this post, among others. though, i've never blogged the name of the company, or even the industry i work in. for all you know i could be working in fast food--but, i'm not. i guess negative fodder isn't great for a publicly traded company. it's the stuff i'm not blogging they should worry about, because that stuff would make for a great read.