Pinch Me, and I'll Punch You

Last night I carefully set out the four pairs of green shoes I own, so that I would have a variety of green to choose from this morning. And somehow I still managed to forget it was St. Patty's day and wear my purple, polka-dot velvet shoes. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

Reason #8,464 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Pisses Me Off:

They send my brothers on missions. Chady-bear turns 20 tomorrow and I can't see him because he's in a foreign country serving God or something. And to make matters worse it's against the rules to phone him.

Arlo's Plump Perogies

Valentine's Day dinner looked beautiful on the plate, however, later that night it didn't look so pretty coming back up. It's interesting that no one else got sick from the meal. And by "interesting" I mean ARLO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!

He's got plenty of justifiable reasons to want me dead. In fact, the whole thing is rather ironic. Just yesterday, some friends and I were talking about how much grief I give Arlo. We agreed that if he did indeed kill me, no jury in the world would convict him. I'd like to think the reason he attempted to poison me wasn't necessarily due to the fact I force him to watch bad reality TV with me, or the fact I tease him mercilessly, but because I burned the one portion of the dinner I was in charge of:

Top Ten Reasons to be Single on Valentine's Day:

1) Sleeping in ten extra minutes, because there is no need to shave my legs.

2) My panties and bra don't have to match.

3) I have a reason to listen to the Eels "Love of the Loveless" over, and over all day long.

4) The only flowers in my house are ones I've purchased myself, so there will be no sneezing due to allergies this year.

5) I don't have to wear perfume, unless I want to.

6) No one is going to drag me to a steak house thinking I'll be impressed, and then remember ten minutes into the meal I don't eat steak.

7) The only gifts purchased for the holiday are those for myself.

8) I don't have to try and have dainty girl eating habits at dinner tonight. I can pig out on Valentine's Day candy and no one will care.

10) And best of all, I get to spend the evening with friends watching "Rock of Love" on Tivo. Though, if Arlo meets someone and falls in love within the next eight hours my evening is ruined.

Happy 2008!

A Princess Christmas

My niece, Hannah, called me this morning to tell me that Santa brought her a brand new princess bed. She wasn't kidding. I drove down this afternoon to see for myself and found her cuddled up with her dolls wearing a velvet princess costume. I asked her if there was room for me and she looked up with the sweetest face and said, "Yes and always, but NOT EVER BEN!" Which is totally fine since when I walked out I noticed Ben in Carter's room begging him to trade beds. Not all surprising since Carter scored a race care bed. Ben is sorta weird and into all that Nascar crap.

Merry Christmas everyone! May you all be as happy as this little girl:

A Sobering Moment

I was out doing some last minute shopping today. Stop. That's a total lie. Let me start over...

I made a quick run to the liquor store after noticing I only had one bottle of wine in my house. That is completely unacceptable during the holidays, especially when my back-up-plan, Mrs. AK, is busy entertaining family.

Anyway.

The entire time I'm in the store I can hear a small child crying, but it wasn't until I was in line behind her that I could understand what she was saying. "Buuuuutttttt, mom, I want a drink!" She wailed this over and over, occasionally swapping the word want for the word need. Her mother finally snapped and said, "NO! You don't need a drink, I need a drink and we're going straight home so I can have one!" At this point everyone started consoling the mother. One woman telling her we've all been through it. Another rubbing her back and telling her to take a deep breathe.

And I think that's what the holidays are all about, consoling complete strangers because we're all having a hard time getting through them.

Band Aids & Ben

In the middle of my front room is a pile of presents that need to be gift wrapped; only I keep forgetting to buy wrapping paper.

Each year Ben and I share gift duty, which means I shop while he wanders around and pretends to help. The helpful part comes when we split the bill. This year has worked brilliantly for the past few years. This year, however, Ben has flaked on both Saturdays we had plans to shop. The first time he was still on a bender in Wendover, which I can completely sympathize with, but the second time he was spending the day seeing a movie with an old mission companion. Yes, the irony in my family runs deep.

He finally made a contribution. He was supposed to buy something to add to the package we still haven’t mailed Chad, and a gift for Boy AK. He bought band aids. Yes, band aids: sushi and Jesus ones for Chad--Scooby-Doo, Curious George and regular ones for Boy AK. And since it’s the holiday season and you’re supposed to be charitable I told him he’d done an excellent job and didn’t call him a freak.

Letter to Missionary Brother #9

Dear Chady-Bear,

Insert one of the following holiday greetings, depending on when this arrives: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter!!

If you don’t get this by Christmas I’m really sorry, I spaced it. I’m fully aware of the fact I’m a crummy sister, but I’m all you’ve got so at least there’s no competition factor. And as much as we both love Holli, we only got her a few years ago. I was there from the start, changing your disgusting diapers, speaking of which I’m still regretting the day Ben fed you his corn.

I can’t believe you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I hate that. I get that you love God but seriously gone for Christmas? This sucks. I haven’t been home to see the tree; I’m really hoping Mom didn’t pull the crap she did when Ben was on his mission: decorating a Christmas tree outside rather than one nside. Now that was a weird Christmas! I’ve told you this before, but going home without you there isn’t the same… I miss you. How many more minutes until you’re home? I’m not as excited this year as I have been in past years, and I think you being so far away may have something to do with it. I like having my brothers, Holli, and the kids close.

Mom said you wanted beef jerky and hot chocolate--good to see you’re still a freak. Cathy said you can find beef jerky in the liquor stores there, but I guess that’s probably against the rules, so I put two bags in. Mom also mentioned you needed warm gloves, but I’m lousy with all things winter so I’ll leave that one to her. I’m still sporting the stretchy Hello Kitty gloves I’ve had for years. I figured you wanted real gloves, not kid ones. But your real present is a promise from me… I promise to be better about writing you. I know you’re homesick and letters help, I relish in the fact I’m still ahead of Ben in that area!

I love you my sweet, little, Jesus-loving Chady-Bear! Happy holidays!!

Love,
Sissy

PS. The Victoria Secret Catalog was NOT my idea. Ben added it in at the last second, however, I didn't stop him. Also, we sorta just threw random holiday cards from family. My fridge is full, so...

Here's to Hoping

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good girl, just ask the boys—they’ll tell you. So for Christmas this year I would like the following:

Pink or brown UGG boots
Paula Abdul to never, ever gain sobriety
A down payment for a new car or condo, your choice
Matching dishes for my kitchen
A kitchen
A first edition Dorothy Parker book
Lower gas prices
A pink terrycloth robe
Ben to have a normal haircut
Botox
Skinny thighs
A ring (Don't worry Santa, I want something pink, nothing of the diamond sort.)
Pink Kitchen Aid to go in new kitchen
A Democrat as President
Gas prices to fall (Stop emailing me, it's on here twice for a reason!)
Summer

Oh and some of that world peace people are always talking about would be nice.

Santa, I know you can't give me everything on the list, especially a Democrat in office since I imagine you're a Republican (I base this assumption on the fact you're old, fat and white.). But Santa, that's ok, I still love you. You also can't do much about my thighs since that's sorta between me, trainer Alaska Pat and the gym, but if you're some sort of magician or baby Jesus than by all means go ahead.

Love,
Sarah

PS. It's hard to set out cookies and milk without a proper kitchen to bake them in. I hope you don't mind a vitamin and Diet Coke. I have plenty of both. If that's not ok I can ask Arlo to whip you up something, but it would likely be something fancy, and Santa, you seem more of a down-to-earth-I-break-into-houses-for-a-living kind of guy.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Fat Night

The Magic of Christmas

I've decided the best thing about the holiday season isn't the presents, the holiday lights or any of that tender baby Jesus crap; the best thing is manipulation. Something I'm quite fond of, but throw in the Santa factor and it's better then ever!

While watching my niece and nephew this week I was able to witness the miracle of Santa. Kids will do anything if you involve Santa.

"What's that? You don't want to go to Starbucks? Santa just called and said Auntie Sarah HAS to go to Starbucks right this second." The speed in which the kids ran for their coats was spectacular.

"No, you're not wearing cowboy boots to school. Why? Because Santa hates cowboy boots."

"You want chicken nuggets and not the PB& J sandwich I just made? Santa just sent me a text message and said you have to eat the sandwich, or else."

After two days of this the kids finally asked how I know Santa. Clearly the only thing to was lie. I told them Uncle Ben had gone to the North Pole on his mission. Carter piped up and asked if Ben, or Uncle Mean as he calls him, had baptized Santa. I told them Uncle Ben had indeed baptized Santa. They were in awe.

Later when my brother Matt got home Hannah told him that Uncle Ben had tried to kill Santa, which I guess is pretty accurate. Baptism is a lot like downing, only you just get cake after and not a trip in the ambulance.

Poor kiddo, first the Easter Bunny, now Santa? I'm really hoping the Tooth Fairy lives.

How I Know My Brother Loves Me

If Ben had a house fire he'd grab two items before running out the door: his baby blanket, and his MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice album. Seriously. As an afterthought, he may go back for Vegan Joe, his roommate. But only after MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were safe.

Ben let me borrow this cherished CD last night, with the promise I'd return it in exactly one weeks time. I'm going to listen to the wise(?) words of MC Hammer and hope for Christmas gift inspiration. I have a difficult time buying for other people. Attempting to find the perfect gift stresses me out. Ben, however, is easy. Obviously I'll be buying him a pair of parachute pants.

Not Your Source for Porn

What is it about this time of year that makes people want to search online for LDS porn? Is that the new trend in Christmas gifts? If so, I missed the memo. In the span of two days I've had ten people link to my blog by googling "lds porn." Last year around this time I had the same problem, so I'm blaming the holidays.

Here are some other gift suggestions for your favorite Mormon this holiday season:

Fabric Scripture Carrier---perhaps something in denim this year? It's a favorite among someone somewhere, I'm sure.

A New Book of Mormon, complete with single word change--who doesn't need an updated version?

Or maybe your loved one is political, if so a contribution to the Romney for President fund might be a thoughtful choice.

But if you still have your heart set on something naughty, might I suggest you order the same gift I'm giving my mother this year. I have a feeling she's really going to love it.

Cooking with Max Headroom

Our Thanksgiving dinner was amazing, even if we did forget a green salad. But as Ben said, "It's just filler. Why waste stomach room on salad?" The entire day was so much fun, even the parts where I learned stuff from Arlo... like how to make gravy. Ben and I made the mashed potatoes, Mormon style--which means lots and lots of fatty ingredients and a Book of Mormon on the kitchen counter for luck.Unfortunately, AK ended up out of the country on a business trip so he wasn't able to be there in person, but thanks to Skype video he was able to supervise our activities. He didn't have a lot of faith in our kitchen skills and made sure we knew where the fire extinguisher was at all times. No, seriously.Mrs. AK, however, didn't need any supervision. Her turkey was perfect! Can't wait until next year!

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I have so much to be thankful this year...

I'm thankful I have loving and loyal friends who are family to me. Especially Mrs. AK, who despite being British, planned an all-American Thanksgiving feast complete with a child's place setting for Ben.Speaking of family, even though my parents decided to spend the holiday amongst drug dealers and elderly vacationers, I'm extremely thankful I have both a mom and a dad. I'm also thankful I have such cool brothers, a sister-in-law that I adore, and the most amazing niece and nephew in the entire world.

I could on, but I won't. There's cooking to be done. Granted I'll just be watching, but watch I shall! Obviously I'll be paying closer attention to our Canadian friend's ass, than I will any food preparation, but have complete faith he won't poison me. I think.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Making Even Holidays Dirty

My family ditched me for Thanksgiving, and left me with the responsibility of finding Ben a suitable place to spend the holiday. My mom took his threat to eat at Village Inn seriously, which is rather silly because it's much easier to order Chinese food, and Ben is all about easy. (Please note: This is not a sly way of saying he dates sluts, because I have no problem telling him his girlfriends are not good enough for him.)

After much consideration I decided we would be spending Thanksgiving with Mrs. AK, her kids, the Japanese basement dwellers and our Canadian turkey baster. AK will be out of the country for the holiday, which sucks because there goes our designated driver, which makes it a weekend affair. If I'm going to have a Thanksgiving off from the Mormon family I'm going to spend it drinking massive amounts of wine--or course, saving some room for turkey and pie.

Today, Mrs. AK and I were assigning duties when she asked, "What task should I assign Ben? Entertainment?" "No," I said, "I told him he would be carving the turkey and peeling veggies. He's really good at skinning things. Which if you think about it is really worrisome." Mrs. AK said, "Yes, but better than Arlo, who is apparently good at boning the turkey."

I cannot wait for our dirty Thanksgiving!

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm 32 today. I know this because my mom left me a voicemail telling me so. It went something like this: "Good Morning sweetheart, it's your birthday. Have a good day." Direct and to the point... I can appreciate that.

Today is like any other day: wake up, swear at the alarm clock, drink too much coffee, shower, get ready and go to work. Only I don't want to. I want to lay around and be lazy. So I compromised; I didn't shave my legs, which is fine since I don't think birthday sex is on my agenda today.

In honor of today, I decided to post a picture of little Sarah:If the writing on the back is correct this was taken on my third birthday. Not a lot has changed with my sleeping habits. I still sleep with pink pajamas, only they don't have feet anymore. Ernie has been replaced with a pug, my bed is a little bigger now, and I don't sleep with a beanie. Unless I'm cold.

Boo to You and Yours

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween, even though I'm not a fan of the holiday.

Halloween week freaks me out... I hate seeing people dressed weird and wondering if it's their normal attire or a costume. Case in point, last week I saw a couple sporting Spock ears while downtown for the Sarah Vowell reading. Costume or just freaks?

I'll be celebrating the holiday the best way I know how: drunk in Maddie's basement watching bad vampire flicks.

And here's to hoping her fat cat left me some candy!

Not a Naked Family

Marky and I have a bit. Which shouldn't be surprising, since I seem to have some sort of bit with nearly everyone I know. Everyone fun, anyway. This particular bit I can't take credit for. His best friend is responsible for this one. But it's funny so I adopted it. Whenever we mention what we're doing, the other always adds the word naked. For example:

Marky: "I can't go. I'm going to help my friend set up his new TV."
Sarah: "Naked?"

Simple, but oh so funny, or at least we think so. The "naked" habit is hard to break, and sometimes I say it without thinking twice. Yesterday I had lunch at the park with some of my family.

Sarah: " Grandma, where did everyone go?"
Grandma: "They went to get something to drink."
Sarah: "Naked?"
Grandma: "No, not that I noticed. Were you thirsty? Your mom left her drink over there."

I can't figure out if my family is so used to my odd behavior they don't question these sorts of things, or if my family is a naked family and I just never knew.