New Website Redirect.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Always Dad, Never Daddy

My father and I have nothing in common that extends beyond shared physical attributes. This said, we don't get along. I stopped being daddy's little princess the moment I learned to form my own opinions. Stop. We do have something in common! We are both opinionated and built with razor sharp tongues.

Lately I'm starting to realize my parents aren't getting any younger. I want to spend more time with my family now than I ever have before. I mentioned to my mom I wanted to have a positive memory of my dad as an adult. She agreed this was important. So I went out on a limb and found something we could hopefully bond over.

My dad is a runner, and has been as long as I can remember. Years ago he and my brothers would run races together. This was exactly what I needed! I decided to call my dad and let him know I'd started training and would he 1) buy me running shoes for my birthday, and 2) run a race with me this spring.

This request had nothing to do with religion, school, family or anything we tend to fight over. This was just feet hitting the pavement, and yet somehow it turned out to be the usual friction between us--He was his typical abrasive self. I faked my way through the conversation and quickly hung up. Then I cried.

I'll never have the kind of father I think I want. But I do have a father who loves me and would do anything in his power to protect me. Why isn't that enough?

16 comments:

Annie W. said...

Sarah! Your entry made me cry! It was intersting to read. I actually LOVE your wit and your sassy-ness, its what makes you, you! =) Your never afraid to say whats on your mind. I posted an entry on my blog about this message, i hope you don't mind or get offened but this blog entry moved me. Have a good dad!!!

R. said...

Sarah I'm sorry you aren't Daddy's little girl.

You're an amazing person, your words inspire others to laugh and cry. I hope your father turns into the Daddy you crave before it's too late. Feel good about reaching out, I'm sure that was very hard to do.

Make sure when you have a daughter some day she's got a Daddy and not just a Dad.

Thank you for sharing your real feelings. These are my favorite posts.

Charles said...

This entry is heartbreaking. I can't imagine someone not adoring you, and I've never even met you.

James Jives said...

Thank you Sarah. I'm leaving the office early tonight and going home to take my daughter to ice cream. I needed this gentle reminder.

rockandcookies said...

Cancer ate my dad's bones, caused him a lifetime of pain, and gave me a "Dad" instead of a "Father". It shouldn't have taken the fear of death to help us start to forge a relationship, but it did. I'm proud of you for making efforts before it's too late, and I really hope for his sake that your dad responds the way he should.

Ashley said...

Miss S, I am so glad to read that there is another girl in this world besides myself that at age 30, their Dad still makes them cry. I find comfort in that.

mk99 said...

I learned thankfully before it was too late, that though he wasn't the Dad I wanted or thought I needed - he was in fact, the Dad I loved. I hoep you and yours can find that common ground of love.

[virtual hug]

Melliferous Pants said...

Dads are confusing. I'm sorry Sarah.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know you realize this but I'm going to reiterate by saying there are many worse fathers out there. Yours, while abrasive and unsupportive, is better than a physically abusive father. This state is not short on that. Your dad is a good man, it sounds like you know that. I'm sorry you're lacking the emotional element.

Does he know how you feel? Maybe rather then explain it you should send him this blog post?

Midge said...

Sorry your Dad's an Ass, atleast your mom is the coolest ever, your glass is still half full.

Anonymous said...

Being publicly dissed by your daughter online must suck.

poor dad.

Amy said...

This comment is in regards to the comment above me. Anonymous, it's so easy to judge anonymously isn't it? Readers like you are why I turned anonymous comments off on my blog. Sarah should think about doing the same.

In no way does her post "diss" her father. She simply and eloquently states her feelings. She never called her father a name or said anything that would case anyone to think differently of her father if they knew him. It's her blog and she can write whatever she feels like.


Sarah, I'm sorry to get all comment happy on you, but anonymous bloggers piss me off. If you aren't man enough to attach a name then get the hell off. Cowardly if you ask me. Don't be ashamed of your feelings, they are real and must be addressed. If writing about them is what you need to do, then do it. Just tell the anonymous jerks to bugger off.

Sofi said...

That sucks, Sarah. I think the issues at hand are the issues of your father, and not you.

It's great that you try to reach out, but sad when it's not reciprocated.

Happy Halloween!

Sra said...

You are an excellent writer, I've been following your blog for a while. I'm sorry about your father. Sometimes families are just accidents of DNA. It sounds like your dad loves you, but maybe has a little trouble reconciling his beliefs and the fact that you don't share them. It's tough when the belief system is so dogmatic. But maybe he'll think about how Jesus would respond to you in your father's situation: with love. (Religious disclaimer: I'm atheist, but we can all respect one another, right?)

Annie, The Evil Queen said...

I'm so sorry you are missing the closeness you crave. Family relationships are always so complicated. At least you've made an effort.

Candace said...

I know how you feel...My dad has made me cry countless times for the same reasons...not understanding me or accepting e for who I am. if you ever need someone to cry to, I'm a phone call away :)