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Monday, October 15, 2007

Three Years Later

Dear Tim,

Last week marked the third anniversary of your death. And frankly, I'm still pissed off at you for choosing to leave. Sometimes I understand but mostly I'm just mad. Someday I hope that anger fades to forgiveness, but for now I still want to yell at you... only you're not here to listen.

I still remember the first time I saw you, it was 1998 and you were interviewing for a chemist job. Your hair was way too long, your suit didn't fit and you rode a bullet bike. I was positive we'd never be friends. And in a way we weren't... we were family. I admired you more than I was ever willing to admit. I never told you how much you meant to me. I'm not so great with emotions: anger.. yes, tender shit, no. And now you're gone and I wish I'd been able to tell you how much I cared about you. You and Alex are the older brothers I never had. Both of you loving me in your own weird ways.

Today, while driving home, I passed your street and was overwhelmed with emotion. I came home and cried, and then I threw up. I could almost hear you laughing at me for "having a girl stomach." Remember how you always teased me for getting sick so easily, and then when I was really sick you were there for me every day. You called me every other day to check up on me. I never told you this, but I saw you driving past my house a couple times a week just to check in and make sure everything looked okay. Tim, you were always there for me. I hope someday I can forgive myself for not being there when you needed a friend.

I don't know if there's life after death, but wherever you are I hope you're happy, and I hope there is beer. I'm going to drink a Corona for you. And I don't even like Corona.

Love,
Sarah

15 comments:

Aimee said...

I know there's really nothing anybody can say, except that you're a terrific friend and we're all lucky to have you, and if we all know how much you really love the people close to you, I'm sure Tim knew too... But I know that doesn't make anything hurt any less.

Caring Reader said...

I'm sorry you lost a friend but have no doubt he knew he was loved. I don't know you, but I imagine you're just like you seem, and with your enthusiasm it would be impossible not to get a sense of caring from you.

Forgive yourself. Life is too short, as you know.

Anonymous said...

Your letter is so sad but still has that little bit of Sarah humor. How DO you do that?

I'm sorry about your friend. I bet he misses you to.

Anonymous said...

You're an incredibly sweet woman, and I think your friend Aimee said it best. He knew you cared. We men don't need to hear the words, we can feel it.

Bigs said...

Thanks Sarah.

In a few days it will be the anniversary of my father's death, and I must admit that I still talk to him from time to time. Sometimes when I don't have the answers I ask him what he thinks

It's pretty cool how more often than not my questions get answered, somehow.

People we love don't really leave us, they just change. Well, that's how I see it.

Anonymous said...

WOW Sis I know how hard it is!! I loved Tim. Of all your friends we was always the coolest and accepted me even though I was such a young arrogant dork. I love you and I know that Tim loved you! I know and you know since we have both been through this same thing. That it's so painful and real. But, it just seems so unreal and confusing? I bet that Mackay and Tim are both planning for that stupid ass U football fag (the one that got drafted by the Eagles and was too big of a pussy to cut it)to make it up there so they can through a blanket party!! I love you and miss you!

Scott the Stray said...

Wow. I can't believe it's been three years. My favorite memories of Tim were his constant practical jokes, particularly the Ezra police call, the oil spill under Roland's car, and the jeans extension kit. I also loved the time he called Roland, you, and I into his office and yelled at us for being mean ti Ikuko.

Since I don't drink, I'll wear my tightest pair of jeans and some black tennies. I hope he has found peace.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sarah, it's me RG. The day -Oct.08 2004. Thanks for keeping me company during that dark Friday. I really miss him too.

Anonymous said...

Scott, don't forget the time when Tim had the auditors call me in and tell me that I owed $15K because I was (hypothetically) accessing the company network from outside (I was not!). The auditor chick could not hold a straight face when she saw me turn white. All Tim's doing... hehe. The dude gave me my first break ever. Peace, Tim...

Anonymous said...

And Sarah, you still owe me an apology for conniving with Tim on my 1st paycheck. Telling me all my deductions were due to all the kiddy taxes in Utah, leaving with me almost nothing! I was almost out the door back to Calif... (RG)

Scott the Stray said...

Good to hear from you RG! I hope you are well. I never knew about the network usage thing (awesome). I did remember hearing about the paycheck thing, that was classic.

Anonymous said...

It sounds from your commenters that your friend Tim was a cool guy. No wonder you're still hurting. I'm sorry for your loss, then and now.

ak said...

This is so hard for me to read - thank you (everyone) for blogging memories of our good friend. My favorite memories of Tim are the practical jokes - mostly aimed at RG and Sarah - that's how I know he loved you guys.

mrs.ak said...

when the leaves fall, i know its around the time tim died. i still have the leaves little ak and i picked by his front steps when we were cleaning out his apartment. i get angry too that he left us and sad that none of us could help him and i know ak feels the same way. i can still hear your voice on the phone when you told me and also how hard it was to tell ak when he flew back to slc and crying together. I remember you talking about seeing tim's truck drive past just to check on you - when we had dinner at gs's house with tim's parents...bloody hell he was a good guy. i'd be crying right now if it wasn't for scott reminding us of the jeans extension kit - tim was hilarious!

Candace said...

Damn you for making me cry....