Sundays with Maddie

are no Tuesdays with Morrie!
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Misery isn't a Pretty Sight

My dad once accused me of being a fair-weathered Ute fan. I denied it, but he's absolutely right. After attending yesterday's game in the snow I came home and vowed never again. From now on, I'll be watching from the comfort of my home, or a well-stocked bar.

It was fun-ish, but I discovered I'm not pretty when I'm miserable and I don't like that one bit. Thanks to the boy who put up with my whining and let us sneak out early as hypothermia prevention. I promise I'm not mad you tried to kill me, but you still owe me a dry adventure.

Saturday Search Terms

I'm always amazed by the search terms that lead to my blog. Here are a few goodies from this week:

what perfume do strippers wear
naked family love
things to make with my old sweater
kolob bitches

Now if you'll excuse me, this Kolob Bitch has a bottle of red wine waiting.

Clean Hair is Bad Luck

I'm never washing my hair again. We really know that's not true--I'm a product addict, but for a moment this morning I seriously considered it.

Maddie and I attended a singles event at The Depot last night. A friend of a friend started a dating service. Showing support and being mildly curious we went. I washed my hair and Maddie shaved her legs. Together we were one hygienic hottie.

It wasn't what I was expecting... desperation comes in all forms. We left after a few minutes and went to the food court. My desperation is in the form of Taco Time. Washing my hair and wearing cute new shoes for a mall food court is not my idea of a night on town. There's not a flask big enough for that--trust me, I've looked.

Finding God

I broke up with the Mormon church years and years ago. There are many reasons, but that's another post for another day. Let's keep this post light, shall we?

I never paid tithing so I wasn't missed. Missionaries have dropped by my apartment on numerous occasions and I've always politely told them I'm uninterested. Since I haven't officially broken up with the Mormons I'm still a member of a ward. A ward that I've never been to, and never will. I even have a visiting teacher... I've only met her once and I told her I wasn't interested in having a visiting teacher. I felt horrible saying it because she was this sweet older woman, but I really, REALLY didn't want a monthly guilt trip--I have a mom for that.

That didn't stop her. Once a month she leaves me a treat outside my door. Obviously I can't say no to baked goods, have you seen the size of my ass? This month's treat was pumpkin/chocolate chip goodness. It was delicious and the closest I've come to seeing God in a very long time, which proves I need a boyfriend.

Stranger Danger: Don't know your date from Adam? Take security precautions--Issue#71

To read this week's column for In Utah This Week click here.

Zebra Boob

How do you cure klutziness? Is there a magic pill or mind relaxation tapes?

I'm constantly in a rush. I love the concept of time, but I just don't grasp it. I'm constantly late. I was born two weeks late and it sorta stuck with me for life. I always wanted to be considered a "lifer" but for something other than being punctually-challenged.

Between constantly rushing and my natural klutz-like behavior I'm getting hurt a lot. Until now it's just been slight bruising, and the occasional paper cut. Yesterday it was slightly more serious--I burnt my right boob. Yes, seriously.

I was rushing while getting ready for work. I like to do things in order: shower, get dressed THEN do my hair. I should have known mixing the order up would result in harm. I hadn't decided what I wanted to wear so I was curling my hair in panties only. (Can we please not go there? Thanks!) Being my klutzy self I dropped my curling iron, and of course it rolled down my chest, leaving me with a zebra stripe looking burn. Don't get me wrong, I love animal print but usually just on shoes--not human flesh, especially my flesh.

A Family Birthday

Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday! This year for your birthday I’ve given you the gift of eternal youth. “How,” you ask? I’m not posting your real age for the entire world to read. That’s how much I love you!

I’m extremely lucky to be your daughter. You’re everything I’m not: sweet, kind and caring. I have these traits somewhere inside of me, I just choose to share them with people I care about, not everyone like you do. I’ve always admired that about you—your ability to care about anyone and everyone you meet.

You’ve been such an amazing influence on my life. You’ve always been tremendously supportive of my creativity and I will eternally be grateful for that. I know at times it wasn’t easy. Like the time I painted the cat because I wanted to be an artist; Or the time I faked sick for an entire week at age eight so I could stay home and write the next bestseller; Or the time I told my primary class I wanted to be a prostitute when I grew up because I wanted to play with boys all day and get presents. You have the patience of an angel, and I’ll always love you for that.

I hate change and I think I’m finally at a point in my life I don’t freak out and need you every time said change happens. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. I loved being able to call you night or day and knowing that just hearing your voice will make everything okay… and it always was. You’ve been a magnificent mother and I can’t imagine a life without you. You’ve always been there for me and that is the best feeling in the world.

I know I didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped. I gave up long ago the belief system you hold dear, but Mom, you’re what I hold dear and I’ll never ever give that up. You’ll always be my Mommy.


I love you!

Love,
Your Princess

Proud Member of The Libation Emporium

What you see here is something quite spectacular. It's my first bar membership in Provo. Yes, Provo. I'm very proud of this little guy and plan to add him to my scrapbook right away. Now I just need to learn how to scrapbook.

Ben Goes Ugly

When I gave Ben the thumbs up to get hair extensions thinking he'd never score a girlfriend this isn't what I expected:Not only did my grand master plan to prevent bitchy sister-in-laws fail, now I'll never go out in public with him again. I don't know if he considers that a good or bad thing.

Cooking in Style!

I always find the best shopping finds when I go with my Aimee. Today was no different.

I've never had an interest in learning to cook. In fact, I've built a life around the avoidance of being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Yet, in one day my entire belief system has changed! I found this pan and suddenly I want to know how to use it. The barefoot and pregnant thing is going to have to wait. I like shoes too much to give them up just yet.

Not a Burger Book

Maddie and I went to Cotton Bottom for garlic burgers yesterday. Maddie, being new in town, hadn't been yet. Sofi recommended she go, so we met there for lunch. Now, a day later, still burping garlic I remember why I don't eat there often.

While sitting at the bar we couldn't help but notice a man sitting near us reading a book. Now there's nothing wrong with going out alone and taking a book rather than a date. In fact, I've been on plenty of dates where I wish I had a book rather than a date. It was the book he choice that freaked us out:
That's the kind of reading to do at home. In public maybe something a little lighter would have been a better idea... just a thought.

Sunday Search Terms

Should I be concerned that someone found my blog by searching "how to prevent pre-marital sex?" I hope this person knows God monitors Google and has been known to track people down to sterilize their naughty parts.

Why I'm a Better Summer Friend:

At dinner with friends last night—a dinner I skipped a party to go to—all I could think about was getting home and putting my jammies on. My friend was talking and if asked I wouldn't have been able to repeat a single thing he said, because I was too busy trying to decide which jammies I’d put on when I got home.

Internally I'm going over my options: pink stripped pug pj's, pink flannel pj bottoms, my princess sweats... the list goes on and on. From an innocent bystanders view I probably looked intently interested in every word spoken. I wasn't. I suck.

It’s safe to say hibernation weather is just around the corner.

To Stab or Not To Stab

Just now as I watched a workmate flip his pen I found myself sitting on my hands in an effort not to reach for my letter opener.

Momentarily I was taken back to a time where my then boyfriend would flip anything and everything in hand: pens, poker chips, panties. "Panties?"... you ask. Okay, not panties but I love alliteration. It used to drive me stark raving mad. You know a relationship is going downhill when you're tempted on a daily basis to stab his hands. This, people, is NOT a good sign.

I explained to my workmate why his action caused such a dramatic look of disdain. He understood.

I, SarahMiddleNameless Nielson, do solemnly swear not to stab anyone in the hand unless they really do deserve it. My workmate does not deserve it--he's funny and has good taste in music.

Today, there will be no stabbing.

Redneck Family

Ben: "I'm thinking of getting hair extensions for my mullet. What do you think?"

Sarah: "You have my full support--it's a guarantee you won't have a girlfriend anytime soon. Which means no sister-in-law! Go for it."

Ben: "Sweet, I'm doing it!"

Death Sentences: Want to keep online dating alive? Write well, and write like you care--Issue 70

To read my column for In Utah This Week go here.

All this online dating talk makes me want to retire from the Match scene. That's okay, right?

Overwhelmed Much?

I guess I'm not the only one at my house who feels their life spinning out of control:

Letter to Missionary Brother #7

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s just starting to hit me that you’re really gone. Don’t tell Mom, but going home is boring when you’re not around. I miss annoying you to the point you’re going to scream. This is not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just my job as a sister. I think you can find it in the bible somewhere: Thou Shalt Drive Your Brothers Insane. Some commandments I follow, some I don’t—I pick which ones to follow by matching them to my shoes.

I think I’m not the only one affected by your absence. Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. I love that they are taking more vacations, but the selfish Sarah is going to miss out on having a family dinner. I guess they figured with you gone, Jeff and Matt married there’s only Ben and I to worry about and we can easily be pawned off on extended family or friends.

Are you still sure about this mission thing? Maybe, just maybe you can change your mind and come home for Christmas. Are you allowed to do that? Wouldn’t that be great if you could get in trouble and get sent home for the holidays and then go back? I guess it doesn’t work that way for a reason.

I’m really glad you’re the baby and I won’t have anyone else I love leaving. If Matt and Holli move I’m going with them. I refuse to be more than an hour away from the kids. Yeah, they really are that fantastic. Hannah did the cutest thing the other day. She was helping Holli clean out her grandma’s house (they had to put her in a home) when she found the oldest pair of kid gloves and just had to put them in her purse to give to her new sister Sarah. Needless to say, I need to go visit soon and remind her I’m her auntie not her sister. Ben isn’t allowed to move either, because he still has to hang my shelves up (five months and counting). Since Jeff married whatsherface I don’t ever see him, so he’s allowed to move.

So how are things going there? Thanks for the tea—it was really good. (Still waiting on that Hello Kitty paraphernalia!!) I asked Cathy and her Japanese slaves what the Japanese word your companion called me meant. They think you made it up. Does this mean you are speaking in tongue?

Ben and I were in the car the other day and The Cure’s song Friday I’m in Love came on. Do you remember that being your favorite song when you were in kindergarten? You used to make me play it over and over. Every Friday morning when I was getting ready for school you’d run in my bedroom and tell me it was the day you loved me. It was pretty damn cute. I hope by now you love me every single day, because I do you.

I love you and miss you bear.

Love,
Sissy

Warm Coffee Season

Fall is coming and I love it! Winter, however, not so much. I don’t partake of the snow this state has to offer by skiing or snowboarding. Perhaps if I did I’d learn to enjoy winter for more than pretty coats. At the end of every season I promise my friends I’ll take the time to learn to ski or board next year. I’ll continue to do this every single year until my death, or until someone kidnaps me from my warm bed and drags me to a cold mountain with the promise of alcoholic beverages in the lodge.

There are a few reasons I love fall:

My birthday... though lately, it’s just for the cake and presents. I don’t want to tack another year onto my age.
Drives up the canyons to see the leaves changing.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Cardigan Weather
Fall Television
Election Day

Wost. Fortune. Ever.

I got this fortune in a cookie today: You will inherit an unexpected sum of money within the year.

This isn't a fortune, it's a curse. A horrible, horrible curse! I'm going to be paranoid for the next year someone I love is going to die. I'm going to buy everyone vitamins for Christmas. And Ben, start wearing your damn seatbelt!

A Night in Provo--No Maddie, No Graphic Pictures

Not your average street gals:Honesty in Provo must exist:

Somewhere Jason is still giggling over this:

Aging Rocker

For a moment last week I forgot I was 31. You see, I purposely purchased tickets to attend the Matt Costa/Rilo Kiley/Modest Mouse, which was held at Utah Valley State College in Orem. Yes, Orem.

A 31 year old single female should be home knitting or collecting tacky porcelain figurines, not kicking it with kids. I know this, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to see three artists I love.

Waiting in line I couldn’t help but notice Maddie and me were the single oldest people there. Hold on, I retract that statement. Excluding the senior citizen ticket taker we were the elders in this group. As the night progressed we noticed a scattering of “adults” in the crowd. Each time this happened eye contact was made, the look passed between the stranger and I was one of comfort--knowing we weren’t the only gently worn souls in attendance.

Matt Costa was amazing, even better live. I am thrilled when that happens, it reminds me the artists really are talented and don’t just employ a talented recording studio.

Rilo Kiley was just what I expected: full of soulful lyrics. She has a stage presence that exceeded my expectations. How this dainty little thing could belt out such amazing lyrics is beyond me. She moved me...in spirit and body.

Luckily for me I am well-versed in all things Modest Mouse and knew chances of a live show being as good as the recorded music were low. I was correct. The lead singer, Isaac Brock, is a yeller. He’s known for his crazy onstage antics. This I was looking forward to, and he did not disappoint. At one point in the show he gave up on his microphone and sang into his guitar. The acoustics at this particular venue are less than ideal, but I shouldn’t expect much out of a college gym, right?

Did I learn my lesson? Not a chance. I’m headed back down to Utah County to see Rocky Votolato. I have no one to blame but myself.

"Soak the Vote"

I got to work today and found this letter on my desk: I couldn't help but open it. Come on, a special gift--who doesn't want a special gift? Much to my surprise it wasn't a free temple membership, but a bumper sticker. One which will make the way onto the car of one of my unsuspecting Democrat friends.

No Need for a Man

Daisy has a bed on the floor and a dirty laundry pile to sleep on, yet I still woke up to this today:
She is exactly like a boyfriend; She snores loudly, farts in her sleep and steals the good pillow.

Take Five:Dating Online? Issue #69

To read my column for In Utah This Week click here. It's time someone benefits from my crap dates--and why shouldn't it be you?

Bad Things Happen in Utah County

Being in Utah County brings the naughty out in Maddie...
and maybe me too.

Which is a darn shame, because I'm usually so very reverent and sweet. What? !

My sweater and I voted, did you?

Things That Make Me Feel Old

1) All age concerts in Orem, Utah. Ugg.

2) My friend’s son sent me a friend request on MySpace. Enough said.

3) I recently found when I jump as high as I can on a trampoline I pee a little.

4) I’m considering dating someone with kids. This is something I’ve avoided in the past, but I’m quickly realizing men my age that are completely unattached are usually that way for a reason.

5)I have fiber supplements in my medicine cupboard.

6) I have a medicine cupboard.

Why Ben doesn’t have a girlfriend:

Sarah: “What is that funky smell?”

Ben: “I’m sure it’s me, but I don’t know where it would be coming from… I showered.”

S: “With soap?”

B: “This time, yeah.”

S: “Maybe it’s your breath.”

B: “Nah, I brushed my teeth. Do you have gum?”

S: “No, but there’s some clear vanilla mint lip-gloss.”

B: “I wonder if it’s because I didn’t use toothpaste.”

S: “Ben, seriously how hard is it to take the extra half of a second to put toothpaste on your brush?”

B: “I know, I know… but did I tell you I used soap in the shower?”

Saving a Stamp, Thanking an Aunt

Dear Aunt Patch,

Thank you for having Ben and I over for dinner tonight. For some reason Sunday's are always my lonely day. I long for after church dinner (sans church, of course) with my Mom and even my grumpy Dad. You have no idea how much it meant to me to that that sense of family for a few hours. Your "Nielson skills" amaze me. Tonight you had more Nielson's at your dinner table than most people are comfortable with. We're a hard lot to handle, or so I've been told. This may be true, but we make up for it in laughs and great buns.

You have an excellent sense of humor--in my family that is a must. I can't wait to spend more time with you. I'd even give you 46 minutes at Ikea, that's how happy I am to have a new Aunt in town.

Thank you for joining our family and showing my Uncle the love he deserves. He's a special man and has always been my favorite. Also, thanks for providing me with a young cousin again. It's nice to have youth around. (Real youth, not the youth I provide.)

I'm thrilled Uncle Cabbage Patch married you and not his nose.

Love,

Sarah

Sunday Venting Session

Last summer I found myself dating two men I deeply cared about: Captain America and The Adult. When each relationship ended we promised to stay friends. I know it rarely works, but I had high hopes. Both men were really great guys, or so I thought.

When a storm left my apt. without power for two days I asked The Adult if I could crash with him. I didn't think it was big deal. After all that we've been through we remain friends. I guess his idea of friendship is far different than mine. When my friends need me I do everything I can to help--just ask Midge. I was shocked when he told me no. Ak and Mrs. Ak didn't have power either, Ben was MIA and I really didn't want to drive clear to the burbs to crash with Uncle Cabbage Patch (who I don't think even had an extra bed set up yet). He said it was a bad night for him and maybe another time. Funny, but I can't really plan power outages around his schedule. I couldn't believe he was leaving me hanging yet again. This is quickly turning into his new and far from improved personality, and I'm quickly learning he isn't such a great guy at all.

Last Sunday's snuff from Capt. America was surprising, but when it happened again I found myself really hurt. In Utah This Week had a booth at the Avenues street fair yesterday, as Daisy and I were walking through the crowd I saw him and his girlfriend. He looked at me and then Daisy and turned around without saying a word. How do you not even say hello to someone you once claimed to love? I was livid. So I sent him a text message letting him know of all the men I've dated, I'd never expect him to end up being that guy. He left a voice mail in apology but it doesn't matter. Twice in one week... the damage is done.

I'm getting married??

I'm stalked by a wedding singer. This is no joking matter. It should be, but it's not. I started getting emails from this very persistent man last week. My name is quite common and I don't have a fiancee named Ryan, so until today I've ignored them. However, this particular email leaves me wondering if perhaps I should find this other Sarah and warn her of impending wedding day doom. If this is the way he writes, what can he possibly offer her musically?
Poor, poor Sarah...

Sarah,
I Wanted to make sure that you got all of my e-mails of the other day, with attached information about my service. I also wanted to mentiones that I listed an error on your sign-up forrm. FOr your price quote (in yellow highlight collor) i described the rate that included trave ling timeto and from Newburgh. That was from a previous contract that I wrote up earlier that day, and did not delete itfrom my deleted. I attach the right one for you now. Talk to you soon...
Sincerely,
Lee W.

Letter to my Missionary Brother #6

Dear Chady-Bear,

Thanks for the photocopied letter (insert loads and loads of sarcasm). What is going on over there? You don’t have enough time to write your family individual letters? How do I even know this letter is from you and not some automated computer system? Huh?? For all I know you could’ve been sold into slavery. Hey, it happens! I saw it on Absolutely Fabulous years ago. Except there were no missionaries, but still…

And what’s this nonsense about porn? I nearly peed when I read that part of your letter. I’ve never heard you mention porn and then you leave on a mission and suddenly bowchicabowow, you’re porn talking? Awesome, bear, awesome! And the same guy wanted to show you his member, before becoming a member? Please refrain from EVER eating at that restaurant again. Do you understand me? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a gay brother, but I always figured it would be Ben, not you.

I digress.

Thanks for the pictures! I loved seeing your bright, shiny face. No wonder Jesus wants you for a Sunbeam! Send more, okay? And the cute puffy sticky letters, umm, brilliant. Of course now I’m going to think you should always include a little surprise. Do it!

Things here are good. School started, and with 23 credit hours I’m more than busy. I feel like I’m going to drown in books, but there could be worse things in life. And no, this isn’t a race. How sad…the oldest child and youngest child racing through college. It wouldn’t be so odd if there weren’t 14 years between us. If you hadn’t gone on vacation for two years you’d have won. Thanks for the head start. I love you for that.

Labor Day wasn’t the same without you. I drove down with Uncle Cabbage Patch and his new family. The kiddo and aunt are great, I’m glad they live close enough that I’ll get a chance to know them better. I didn’t stay for the rodeo, which is good. Would have been boring without you to tease. The twins are getting so big. I can’t believe you’re missing out on two years. They still call Ben Uncle Mean, which is fantastic! They make family time tolerable. If I’d known this I would have got knocked up years ago.

I love you more than chocolate. How many minutes until you’re home? Too many. Christmas is going to suck without you. Speaking of which, how's that search for Hello Kitty wine going? My Hello Kitty wine glasses are washed and waiting.

Miss you bear!

Love,
Sissy

Compassion? What's that?

I've been living the life of a pioneer for two days. I'd kill for a pink bonnet! Luckily, my power was restored just in time to catch up on Google Talk with my friend Dave while in Peru. The jerk travels more than Ben clips his toenails. I kid you not!

David: So I thought you might be amused to know that I have managed to develop some kind of infection right in the middle of my trip.

me: No way. Chlamydia again?

David: It started in my throat and is spreading to my lungs right now. Syphilis this time.

me: So full blown aids? I'm sorry

David: I've got Beastman Jungle AIDS!

me: Will you live long enough to spread it to others? Do your part, man!

David: I'm gonna try to reduce the population as much as I can while I still have time!

me: Al Gore would be so proud... there's really no better way to conserve natural resources than to kill off the population one STD at a time. You're such a martyr.

David: Perhaps there will be 78 virgins or whatever waiting for me in heaven when I die.

me: I think God and Al Gore owe you at least that...

Boise Boy:Better liquor laws and high-point beer take a city only so far.--Issue 68

To read my column for In Utah This Week click here!

Not a Naked Family

Marky and I have a bit. Which shouldn't be surprising, since I seem to have some sort of bit with nearly everyone I know. Everyone fun, anyway. This particular bit I can't take credit for. His best friend is responsible for this one. But it's funny so I adopted it. Whenever we mention what we're doing, the other always adds the word naked. For example:

Marky: "I can't go. I'm going to help my friend set up his new TV."
Sarah: "Naked?"

Simple, but oh so funny, or at least we think so. The "naked" habit is hard to break, and sometimes I say it without thinking twice. Yesterday I had lunch at the park with some of my family.

Sarah: " Grandma, where did everyone go?"
Grandma: "They went to get something to drink."
Sarah: "Naked?"
Grandma: "No, not that I noticed. Were you thirsty? Your mom left her drink over there."

I can't figure out if my family is so used to my odd behavior they don't question these sorts of things, or if my family is a naked family and I just never knew.

Well Worth the Fight

Ben: "Did you see Uncle Cabbage Patch's new house? It's so cool."

Sarah: "Yeah, but I still haven't decided which room is mine." It's between the one on the end or kicking the kiddo out of the pink room."

Ben: "No, Sarah!! I already called shotgun on the end room. I saw it first!"

Sarah: "So what, I'm older."

Ben: "You can't use that forever you know. It's not my fault you were born first."

Sarah: "I will use it whenever I please. Besides the room is perfect for me.. it's secluded and slightly separate from the others."

Ben: "I refuse to give it up. The pink room screams Sarah, you should just move into that one."

Sarah: "Hey, Ben... you do realize we're fighting over a room in a house neither of us will ever live in right?"

Ben: "And your point is?"

It's hard to eat eggs after being kicked in the stomach.

After a late night out Pants and I went to Ruth's this morning for brunch. I promised her it had the city's best Bloody Mary, so to count on a wait.

What I hadn't been counting on was seeing Captain America.

Last summer when I took him there for the first time he instantly loved it. I should have known he'd go back. I saw him about a month ago and it was awkward and hurt for days, but this was worse. Today he had his girlfriend with him. His very pretty girlfriend who makes him disgustingly happy. Sigh...

I ate my omelet, drank my Bloody Mary and tried to remain unaffected. Which, of course, didn't work--it never does.

We didn't acknowledge seeing one another, which almost hurt worse than being forced to smile and play nice while meeting his girlfriend.

I desperately need a city with less ex-boyfriends.

The Night Romance Died

"When are we going to get crunk and hit skins?"

This was a text message a 23 year old sent me last night.

Where to start...

1) Never am I going to get crunk and hit skins with a kid. 2) Get crunk and hit skins? Are you kidding me--who says that? Oh wait, twenty fucking three year olds, that's who!