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Thursday, September 06, 2007

Letter to my Missionary Brother #6

Dear Chady-Bear,

Thanks for the photocopied letter (insert loads and loads of sarcasm). What is going on over there? You don’t have enough time to write your family individual letters? How do I even know this letter is from you and not some automated computer system? Huh?? For all I know you could’ve been sold into slavery. Hey, it happens! I saw it on Absolutely Fabulous years ago. Except there were no missionaries, but still…

And what’s this nonsense about porn? I nearly peed when I read that part of your letter. I’ve never heard you mention porn and then you leave on a mission and suddenly bowchicabowow, you’re porn talking? Awesome, bear, awesome! And the same guy wanted to show you his member, before becoming a member? Please refrain from EVER eating at that restaurant again. Do you understand me? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a gay brother, but I always figured it would be Ben, not you.

I digress.

Thanks for the pictures! I loved seeing your bright, shiny face. No wonder Jesus wants you for a Sunbeam! Send more, okay? And the cute puffy sticky letters, umm, brilliant. Of course now I’m going to think you should always include a little surprise. Do it!

Things here are good. School started, and with 23 credit hours I’m more than busy. I feel like I’m going to drown in books, but there could be worse things in life. And no, this isn’t a race. How sad…the oldest child and youngest child racing through college. It wouldn’t be so odd if there weren’t 14 years between us. If you hadn’t gone on vacation for two years you’d have won. Thanks for the head start. I love you for that.

Labor Day wasn’t the same without you. I drove down with Uncle Cabbage Patch and his new family. The kiddo and aunt are great, I’m glad they live close enough that I’ll get a chance to know them better. I didn’t stay for the rodeo, which is good. Would have been boring without you to tease. The twins are getting so big. I can’t believe you’re missing out on two years. They still call Ben Uncle Mean, which is fantastic! They make family time tolerable. If I’d known this I would have got knocked up years ago.

I love you more than chocolate. How many minutes until you’re home? Too many. Christmas is going to suck without you. Speaking of which, how's that search for Hello Kitty wine going? My Hello Kitty wine glasses are washed and waiting.

Miss you bear!



ak said...

...figured it would be Ben... LOL

Anonymous said...


erat said...

A surprise in every letter? Tell me, how do you trump puffy, sticky letters?

(Okay, I guess Hello Kitty wine would do it, but STILL...)

Amberly said...

Wow, rarely, RARELY do I ever, ever, ever laugh right out loud when I'm home alone reading blogs. But, the "no wonder Jesus wants you for a sunbeam" part was simply hilarious.

Maybe Missionary said...

I hope they call ME on a mission, so I can get a letter or two. Are you accepting other missionaries it could sway my decision.

Sarahbellum said...

AK: All signs point to Ben.

Anon: Um, thanks?

Erat: Pink puffy letters are spectacular, but think of all the other cute stuff he can send. Yes, wine included.

Amberly: I'm glad. Laughing out loud is one of the good things in life.

Maybe Missionary: For a small fee. Yes.