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Thursday, May 31, 2007

neighborhood watch

i'm an upstairs neighbor. i try really hard to be conscience of this, and keep the tap dancing with circus midgets to a minimum.

last night i saw my downstairs neighbor when i was out with daisy. i asked her if she hears any weird noises from my apartment at night. she looks at me sorta wide-eyed and just nods her head no. i replied, "cool" and walked back upstairs. i figured she was just embarrased i caught her sneaking a smoke and didn't think anything of her somewhat odd response.

it didn't dawn on me until a couple hours later she probably didn't think think i was talking about my noisy elliptical machine, but something more along the lines of virgin sacrifices or crazy sex.

i think it's best to just avoid her for a few days. i have a feeling if i try and explain it's only going to get worse. sigh...

pride 2007!

in utah this week is the media sponsor for this year's pride parade. we're walking in the parade sunday morning. if you'd like to join us please contact joel at for details. what do you get out of it? well, you get a freebie shirt and to hang out with us!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

overcoming my fears

anyone who knows me knows i detest scary movies. hate. hate. hate them! when i saw half of silence of the lambs in high school i slept on my parents floor for a week and a half. did you read the part where i said i was in HIGH SCHOOL?

it's haunted me ever since.

with all my free time these days i've hit my life to do list. number 47: watch silence of the lambs the entire way through.

since i'm such a procrastinator i've now watched every movie in the hannibal lecter series except silence of the lambs. all during the middle of the day at marky's house, because for some reason his house is immune to serial killers. this prevention didn't stop me from freaking out. one night when i was supposed to meet friends for drinks, i wouldn't leave the house because i was too afraid. (see guys! you thought being afraid of hannibal lecter was just an excuse to avoid the bar.)

today i'm going to marky's place to finally watch the movie. i'll be happy to cross it off my list, though i'll be sad to let go of the hannibal lecter diet. i've lost a few pounds being so grossed out each time i see food. i wonder if i could trademark and sell that diet...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

irony is not dead!

i'm making progress. i finally dumped the yuppie's bathroom supplies today. i felt guilty doing it, but it's done nonetheless. when i bought this bathroom garbage can years ago i had no idea just how fitting it would be.

it's a small utah, after all.

i went to a friend's house last night for a bbq. in her invite she told me to bring someone who made me happy, and since there's nobody filling that part at the moment i took ben. ben who doesn't know the difference between trees and weeds. seriously this kid is nuts, which makes me look normal and that's always a plus.

the hostess with the mostess mentioned a friend of hers thought she knew me. when she mentioned the name it took me a few minutes to think of how this girl could possibly know me. she mentioned where in slc she grew up and the fact her family had ten kids. bingo! that was enough to dig into the deep sarah memories and come up with where she knows me from. her parents used to babysit me before we moved to the country. she had to have been six or so at the time, i was eight. the only thing i could remember was lots and lots of kids and a constant supply of oranges. oh, and i think i may have been in love with one of her brothers.

i couldn't believe she would remember me from just a name and not seeing me. it's not like my name is distinct in any way. that kind of memory is only something i dream of having. as it is, i can barely remember to get dressed before leaving the house.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

my bathroom fetish discovered

ben and i had a family day today. we finally made it over to cafe niche for brunch. i've been hearing good things and it's relatively close to my house, so we went. the food was much to my liking and only half to ben's liking. the reason? they served salad with his eggs. when i asked him what the big deal was he said, "i like the idea of salad, but it's too much work--keeping it on your fork and all." it's moments like that i realize there is no denying we are brother and sister.

afterwards we met aimee and lo at the 337 project since i hadn't been yet. i was waiting for a photographer friend of mine to have time, but sadly that didn't work out. (anyone out there who took professional-ish shots that want to share, by all means...) i'd seen some photos online and was really hoping to have a couple done i could frame for my place. it's summer, i need to revamp my walls.

oddly, all my favorite rooms were the bathrooms, like these:

Saturday, May 26, 2007

the 'in' crowd!

thanks to everyone who came out last night in support of in utah this week! we had a great time and sorry to all those i spilled drinks on. i told you i was a klutz. for everyone who had pics taken make sure to be watching the website and paper to see them.

(to check out a couple pics go here.)

Friday, May 25, 2007

"i am so going to heaven for dealing with you!"

i had dinner last night with banjo ben. i'm amazed he will still be seen in public with me. over dinner the following were uttered in complete annoyance:

"sarah, i will not feel your leg muscles. i'm sure they feel exactly the same they did yesterday. no one grows new muscles overnight."

"come on! get a boyfriend, i'm NOT paying for you to take pole dancing classes. i don't care how column worthy it is."

"sarah, my drink doesn't taste like your deodorant smells. it's freaking rice milk."

back to the single life--column 5.24.07

click here to read this week's column.

and if you're looking for something to do tonight, come to in's first birthday party! because really, what else is there to do?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

how to determine a geek:

i had lunch with my geeks today. guess which one is sporting this new accessory (the sticker not phone)? i'll give you a hint... he never attended school in wyoming.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

ihop lies

i want my money back. i did not leave happy, because today, i am less one brother.

this morning i had breakfast with my parents, ben and chady-bear. after breakfast my parent's took chady to the mtc. i wasn't successful in talking him out of going on a mission. he's stubborn, just like a true nielson.

on the drive to provo i pointed out to ben our parents must love him more, because his last meal was held somewhere much better. he pointed out our parents love both he and chady more, because they've never sent me on a two year vacation. ben sucks.

will work for books

i need a job soon. pinching pennies totally sucks. doing just that, i went to the library rather than the bookstore. i dragged marky, my daytime partner-in-crime, who is always up for an adventure and doesn't mind my snarky remarks. while looking for books i ran across this cute little bookmark, "have a nice day and when you find this do the same as i have and leave it somewhere in the library." i wanted to bring it home and put it on my fridge, but marky, being the voice of reason, pointed out it may result in bad karma. while i'm job hunting bad karma isn't something i'm willing to chance.

oh, and that saving money thing? apparently when you lose a library book in 2003 and forget about it until 2007 your fines are $76. shit.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Homer knows best

Jack Bauer. Seriously, who is this guy? I’ve never seen an episode of 24 until last night’s finale. And might I add, not by choice. I have a group of friends who get together on Monday nights for “Family Night”. Our version of the LDS family home evening follows suit with the traditional version with treats and games. However, we substitute the prayer with beer, always making our family nights much better than the ones I recall growing up in an LDS household.

Last night 24 was playing in the background, because blah, blah…”season finale, must be good.”

So we watched.

Had this occurred a week earlier I would have had no idea who Jack Bauer was—luckily for me The Simpsons newest episode was a spoof on 24. Proving The Simpsons is educational and should be watched by everyone.

I have to admit I wasn’t impressed with 24. In fact, I was downright bored with the show. Sure, it might be that I have no idea who these characters, but my guess is even if I took the time to catch up (which I won’t) I’d still find myself bored. I’m more a CW kind of girl. If the Gods of TV are reading, bring Gilmore Girls back!

possibly the best voicemail i've ever received:

"hey babe, have i ever told you how good looking i am? well come out with me to the cultural festival and drink beer with me and i'll tell you."

Monday, May 21, 2007

why my parents are going to be banned from church

i hope chady-bear knows how much i love him. i went to church for him! his talk warmed my heart, not for the spiritual content but the comedic content. my baby brother is funny! who knew?

my mom is the choir director so she was on the stand (what do they actually call that?) as was chad. the rest of our family was on the back row, which says a lot about us. ben and i sat there for the escape factor. our plan was to secure seating and then leave to get drinks, making it back in time just for chad's talk. but, jesus was onto us-- the program listed the speakers but not the order. we were stuck. the gas station is 7 minutes from the church and we didn't dare risk it. again, that's how much i love chady, i stayed for the ENTIRE church meeting!

my brothers are as evil as i am. we knew chady had his cell phone in his pocket... so we they called it, over and over--each time seeing his face get redder and redder. only stopping momentarily to let hannah leave him a voicemail telling him to hurry because she needed a diet coke. (the funny thing, is i had nothing to do with that part.)

i lost interest and agreed to read a book to little hula, my brother's step-daughter. she had a children's anatomy book my mom gave her. did i mention she's 3? it was awkward reading the page containing scrotum and vagina to her at church, but i persevered.

until this point, my sister-in-law holli was listening to the speakers and taking no part in our poor behavior. but, then she whipped a card out of her purse and handed it to me, "this is a thank you for watching the kids last week." it was a starbucks gift card. yup, holli pretty much gave me coffee at a mormon church. she is now one of us... for better or for worse.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

it's raining volvos

last month i told ben i'd kill for a volvo. somehow the gods of fate got this confused and thought i said i wanted to be killed by a volvo. easy mistake.

on my way home from the country today i encountered a nasty accident on the freeway. one of those large trucks transporting cars rolled. i'm not sure how it happened, i was too busy singing along to the radio to notice that part. wrecked cars were everywhere, but luckily i was able to avoid being hit.

when everyone started getting out of their cars i called ben. i was busy recounting the story to him when a man motioned for me to get out of my car--i hung up and got out. "hey, i saw you on the phone. how long until the police arrive?" "umm, i didn't call 911. i called my brother. dispatch operators hear this stuff all the time, and i thought he would be more impressed by the story." he glared and me and walked away without saying a word. no wonder people hate me.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

orphans and jesus

i'm now an orphan. or i will be when i see my parents next and my mother fires me from being her daughter. we had family pictures this morning and i didn't make it. i was sick. i swear every time i watch the twins i get sick. and you know what? it's worth it.

chady-bear has his mission farewell tomorrow, which means i have to go to church. and i really, really hate church. do you think it's possible the mormon jesus made me sick on purpose, just to keep me out of his church? okay, i swear no more cold medicine--at least this time i took the right pills.

Friday, May 18, 2007

not a match!

needing something to occupy my time, i logged on my match account tonight. yup, friday night at home. shut up. after reading a few emails i'm reminded of my internet dating rules. so far they're working-- i've not been chopped up and stored in a garage freezer.

1) don't send me the exact same email you send everyone. come on, does anyone actually reply to those?
2) at least make an attempt to spell words correctly. spell checker is a beautiful invention--like caller id!
3) under no condition mention of your season pass to lagoon.
4) don't offer to send me your bank statements. wtf?

here's my favorite message tonight. because, i too am picky, which is why i'll not reply. ( i'm bitchy, get over it.)

I hafve to ask becaue sine I hae dated on match over the past 3 months these profles seem to mean nothin with the girs out in California so I have decided to look out of state for my soul mate.. My name is Todd B******, I am a great guy with a lot to offer ... Please review my profile and if I seean email in my inbox from you I know your interested... I hop so becuae I am very picky and it took me a long time to fine you... I;ll bet your worth it though....


Toddy B

Love Deserves Capitalization!

I’m in Utah County tonight watching the twins, while my brother and favorite sister-in-law are away on business. It's almost 1 AM which is way, way past my bedtime. Yet here I sit on their bed typing while listening to Carter cough. I’ve given him medicine, but I couldn’t possibly attempt sleep until he’s resting peacefully. This doesn’t necessarily make me a good person (because after this week, I'm so clearly not one). It’s what happens when you love someone beside yourself... something I'm told I don't do often. To you I say whatever.

I love these kids. I love them like I never thought I could love someone so short. (I’ve got height issues--get over it.) I remember driving to the hospital to see them for the first time. I’d been around kids enough to know they poop and scream way too much. I was prepared to hold the babies, and lie through my teeth about how cute they are. When in reality they’d likely look like a cross between an alien and a plucked chicken. However, I wasn’t prepared to hold them and say they were the most beautiful babies I’d ever seen, and actually mean it. And I still mean it--even today, after Hannah spit in my Diet Coke.

Family is family, and you love them even when you don’t really like them. There’s never been a moment in the past 3+ years where I didn’t like these two, and frankly I don’t ever see that happening. Unless of course, Hannah continues to spit in my Diet Coke through her teen years. At that point, we might run into a problem.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

down but now out--column 5.17.07

i know the coolest people. seriously! ak and his perfectly british, perfectly adorable wife had a joint birthday party. the theme was 60's mod, and it was spectacular! you won't find me in the picture because i didn't dress up. not that i didn't want to--i already had the perfect dress, but i wasn't able to find my much sought after pink go go boots. it wouldn't be fair to my dress to wear anything but.

anyway, to read the column go here.

not the only one saying stupid things in public

as i've mentioned before, i totally heart maverick gas stations. i claim their fountain drinks taste better but today i realized why it is i really go. no, not the hot dogs, but goodies like this:

clerk: "how's your day?"
customer: "well i just got laid and it was the worst sex i've ever had. in other words, i just got screwed."

the customer, i might add, was as old as dirt and wearing dirty cargo shorts. not that they don't deserve to get laid too, but...

dry-humping and doctors

i'm not just losing my mind, i'm losing my legs too! okay, not my actual legs but i'm losing the feeling in them. the backs of my legs started going numb last month. i chalked it up to bad circulation and vowed to get in shape. (it's time to start thinking about summer clothes.) i bought an elliptical and have worked out every day for the last three weeks. i'm only doing 5-7 miles a day, i'm pathetically out of shape. but, the numbness didn't go away. in fact the opposite happened... my legs got bigger so there was more leg surface to go numb. lame!

after trying to self-diagnosis on webmd, i went to see the doctor. my dad is diabetic and numb legs is one of the symptoms. needless to say at this point i had totally freaked myself out. i couldn't give up my addiction to ice cream--i'd rather die!

when the doc was testing my legs for feeling, he applied warmth, then cold--something soft, and then pressure. if i didn't know better i'd have thought he was trying to woo my legs. lastly, he told me to turn my head so i couldn't see what he was doing, and to only say something if i felt anything. i was positive he was back there dry-humping my leg, but as it turns out he was just running a sharp object across them and didn't want me to see it and imagine pain. who me??

all my tests were fine and my legs are still dry-hump virgins.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

you know you need a full-time job when you find yourself doing the following:

1) watching a football movie.
2) cleaning car with armor all wipes twice in one day.
3) refusing to meet friends for coffee because it requires putting pants on.

not to mention, my apartment is MUCH cleaner when i'm not home all day.

either a lyrical genius or vodka in her morning juice:

"itsy bitsy candlestick climbed up the mountain snow."

Monday, May 14, 2007

low-class as a result of high-sugar

this is how i spent my afternoon with marky: while on the couch in our sugar-induced coma i told him to check out i've been thinking about taking the time to design a real website rather than this blogger template crap, and really like his.

marky: "how do you spell it?"
me: "f-i-d-d-l-e-y."
marky: "f-i- what?"
me: "dd, as in tits, l-e-y."

things i didn't say, and some i did:

anyone want to guess which ones are mine and which aren't?

"music worthy of a good suicide."

"i don't want a dead date!"

"there were LOTS of hot girls at the breast cancer thing!"

"i'm gonna have to think of something fancy to shave on my body for that!"

Sunday, May 13, 2007

a mother's day our way!

happy mother's day, mommy! i just want to take a moment to remind you i'm your favorite child. sometimes i know it's a competition between ben and i, but after reading the below story i'm positive you'll reward me with the best child title.

last night banjo ben, scott and i went to a party at ak's house. on the way home scott was telling ben about the bi-sexual woman who spend 15 minutes in the bathroom with her date's ex-wife, both walking out in a very good mood. (scott will insist i point out both women were "smokin".)

ben was in total disbelief he missed such a pivotal moment in the evening, so it couldn't possibly be true by his reasoning. when i told him it really had happened, he grabbed his phone and started dialing, "i'm just going to check..."

oh, and mom... ben opened bottles with his teeth last night. so that makes me a better child too. i'm responsible about my dental bills. how could you not appreciate that?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

too much information

one of my long-standing male girlfriends, scott, is in town. we were talking about sex, because for some reason my car is similar to a high school boy's locker room (in conversation only, not smell!). suddenly he blurts out he has an unusually long tongue, then proceeds to show me. what did i do? i nearly wrecked my damn car into a car in the other lane. in the future if all friends could agree not to show me their body parts while driving that would be great.

Friday, May 11, 2007

when worlds collide, column 5.10.07

to read this week's column click here. sorry, it's another wedding rant. i promise i'll be over it soon.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

sadly, not a celine dion free wedding

one day i'll attend a family wedding with a man date. last night i took my best friend jen as my date--she's pretty hot for a man. we've been friends for 15 years making my family sorta her family, without the guilt. lucky bitch. the event went off without a hitch (no pun intended, okay, well maybe a little), despite all my complaining about the hideous bridesmaid dresses. i'm really hoping the honeymooners don't have an internet connection, otherwise that george forman grill won't be heading my way, and man do i want one! ben and i scoped out the gifts and i called shotgun on any grill and/or pink stuff. ben called shotgun on one of the bridesmaids, but will request she wear anything but that dress on their date.

it was good to see my extended family. i don't see my mother's side of the family all too often. someone has to die or marry for us to get together. last night felt a little like both. thank god for cheap boxed wine. seriously.

i didn't post very many pics, but to see the ones i did click here. i should have snapped a pic of the ugly dresses, but it didn't seem fair to the bridesmaids who didn't quit the wedding. saps.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

super wedgie!

tonight was my brother jeff's wedding. it was pretty and all, but hannah stole the show. twice. the first time was in the middle of the ceremony she got up and walked over to where ben was and said, "i love you ben!" the second was when she asked her dad to give me a super wedgie.

family bonding at its finest

nothing screams i grew up in the country like a breakfast at the cracker barrel with your brothers. NOTHING!
i was being very sneaky and eating bacon when chady-bear caught it on film. they often tease me i'm not related since i'm not a carnivore like they are, and not just a restaurant carnivore, but one who shoots animals and hangs the horns on their bedroom walls.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

pick me?

i'm always amazed when someone hands me a tool of any kind. i can't get out of my house without hurting myself, how can i be trusted with a dangerous tool? my favorite canadian, carmen, still won't let me live down the time i cut an extension cord with a saw--and i won't let him live down the fact he was dumb enough to let me handle one.

i went to meet a friend for coffee and found him in his back yard digging trenches. (he claims it's for sprinklers, but i have my suspicions otherwise. it looks like prime dead body real-estate.) despite being in pretty shoes that don't mix well with dirt i had to dig for a minute. suprisingly, no one was harmed, including myself.

why the yuppie is still around

i received the following text message from him last night:

"i think i'm going to give up (current profession) & become a philematologist. care to be my research assistant?"

"does that come with dental?", was my reply. i feel it's important to have nice teeth if you're going to spend your days making out.

Monday, May 07, 2007

words are hard

i'm obsessed with grilling tofu hot dogs on my balcony, but don't own a grill. so marky and i headed down to the gateway to hit the sporting goods store there. when we were nearing the store i very loudly exclaimed, "so, big dicks?" marky turned and gave me the look. i know this look very well, it's the "do you realize what the hell you just said" look. it's not just marky that gives me the look--it's everyone.

i, of course, had no idea what the big deal was. so what if i accidentally combined big 5 sporting goods and dick's sporting goods... it happens.

a weekend in movies

there are few movies that make me want to slit my own wrists. year of the dog was just such a movie. urban princess and i took one of our male friends to see it on saturday. he didn't think to ask what we were seeing, just agreed. dumb, dumb boy. he paid the price dearly. not only did i take the last veggie dog at the theater, i made him sit through the entire movie. i had high hopes for it. dead dog movies are always good for some tears, the only tears shed here were out of pain.

upon leaving i broke up with the broadway theater. how could they betray me with such a horrific movie?

last night, however, we got back together. i saw black book, and it was great. how i gage the success of a movie is how many times i look at my watch.

1-3 great.
4-5 color me bored.
6-10 sharpen my razor, it's suicide time.

black book was a two-glancer, and better yet i left the theater spit-free!

Saturday, May 05, 2007


the yuppie gave me this book this morning. i can't decide if he thinks i'm someone else, or is encouraging my judgemental side.

i'm a sucker for a man who buys me books-- ice cream and books, oh, and maybe shoes, but i digress.

you'll notice i assigned a "the yuppie" label on my blog. i've got commitment issues as messy as my closet, but i think it's a step in the right direction. i bet if i had a life coach or a therapist, they'd be proud.


Friday, May 04, 2007

what a bargain!

i saw this while in utah county today visiting holli and the kids, and couldn't help but laugh. a two for one back to school special? i guess, just in case your kids get the shit beat out of them at school.

weird things i didn't say #3

"it's ok, i plan to see you naked at some point."

"am i in the right place? i have raw meat."

"when you're half as funny as colbert i'll make you ice cream myself--out of the garage."

Thursday, May 03, 2007

make me a match, column 5.3.07

for this week's non-sarah column click here. once you've read it, if you're dying to get a peek at the great and SINGLE marky go here.

urban princess and i wanted to have a reason to take picture of pretty boys (as if we need one!), so we create the slc hunk blog. bookmark it and watch for your own pictures!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

somewhat better than blue balls:

cartoon polygamy

i don't mind being the second wife:

not the kind of girl sleepover you'd have imagined.

i think my tv is directly linked to the church. no, seriously. i watched the first part of the frontline mormon documentary monday night. last night i didn't get a chance to see the second part because of my house guest--my mormon house guest! yeah, the timing is uncanny, isn't it?

a neighbor of my mothers stayed at my house last night, who consequently was my young women's leader. (the one who bought me beer in high school. i claimed it was to wash my hair with for softness, but we all know it never made it to my hair.)

i thought we'd watch the second part last night while eating milk and cookies and quoting our favorite scriptures, but we didn't. rather, she caught me up on all the town gossip--none of which included a scandal of any kind. it's been a tad on the slow side since i left.
she didn't say a word about my coffeemaker or the bottles of wine. all the other naughty stuff i put out of eyesight. though she did out me as dating someone, when she noticed a contact case and blue toothbrush in my bathroom. (both of which were obviously not mine.) i pleaded the fifth, but give it a week before my mom asks about it.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

a rant plus

i am so over diet coke--they tricked me into being healthy! in a rush at the gas station i grabbed the first diet coke i saw, it wasn't until i was in the car that i noticed it was diet coke plus. PLUS VITAMINS AND MINERALS! sneaky bastards. i swear to god it tasted like carrots and wheat grass. isn't the entire point of the beverage that it eats your stomach and causes esophageal cancer? i don't want fortified death. if they start putting b12 in sbux i'm going to lose it.

stranger danger

i'm feeling very 1994 today. so i did what any other 1994 girl would do--i went to 7-11 for a big gulp. when i was leaving the cashier looked me up and down and said, "be careful out there."

what the hell?!

does he know something i don't? i don't think he could have known i got yelled at today. seriously. my column is total fluff, how can it possibly upset people enough to yell at me in the grocery store? come on people, isn't there more things in life to be upset over? war? 3.2 beer?

the killing game

i went to a friend's house last night and couldn't help but notice this in his front room:when i asked him if he knew there was a giant knife laying on his game shelf his response was, "that seems about right." it was one of those things rather than question it just made more sense to go to the bar.