loving on the grannies!

for the most part i am comfortable with being 31, though there are always exceptions to that rule-- forever 21 at the gateway is one of them. when urban princess and i went shopping there over the weekend i felt like i should be hunting for banjo ben's next girlfriend, rather than new summer tops. the place is seriously overrun with teeny boppers.

while we were in line waiting to pay princess looked at the pink & orange clutch i was buying, and said, "i love knobs on purses." as usual, i didn't think before opening my fat mouth and replied, "i love grandma knobs!"

it's amazing people agree to go out with me in public.

and i had nothing to do with it

the yuppie and i were eating dinner last night, when he mentioned the restaurant we were at had in utah this week. i didn't believe him--call it what you will, but out of habit when i walk into restaurants i look to see if they carry it. arriving i had only noticed a city weekly rack.

he wanted to bet dinner on it, but since i don't have a real job i declined. walking out i found we were both correct!

prevention

i found this magnet on ben's fridge and immediately pocketed it. it's now proudly displayed on my fridge next to my favorite pin-up girl magnet.
if my mom read "i will date only young men who live church standards" on his fridge i'm positive a family intervention would follow, and frankly that's just too much family time for me.

kicking it old school

i was at the laundromat by my house last week playing ms. pac-man. when, after a couple games a guy there came up and said, "what a great way to kill time while waiting for your laundry. can i play you?" the sad part is i wasn't doing laundry, i was just there for the game.

the very day i told the yuppie about the incident, he showed me a pair of shoes he saw that he thought i'd like. it's like playing frogger on my feet, of course i had to buy them. i'm not sure if this is his way of hinting playing video games at the laundromat is unacceptable or if he's encouraging it--either way i'm not stopping!

best place to find a man (men's health article)

men's health magazine contacted me last week. apparently, slc ranks #2 in cities where a woman over the age of 35 can find a man. seriously. i thought it must be a mistake, but guess not.

to read the article in it's entirety go here, if you're lazy and only want to read my contribution go here. either way go read it, if you need an extra incentive there's pictures of chesty women!

the magazine's editor-in-chief will be on oprah today discussing it. i've never seen an episode of oprah, but this was worth setting my tivo. i swear, i've never seen her show, but i have seen three episodes of american idol. i'm not proud.

defining the relationship--column 4.27.07

to read this week's 'the dating years' column, please click here!

weird things i didn't say (and one i did) #2

marky: "my nose is alive!"

yours truly: "that's as gay as i go."

ben: "i'm either eating willie nelson's ice cream or making love to him. i can't tell."

pmk: "double amputees are exciting!"

oops! or, why the yuppie isn't keeping me:

marky and i went to the mall last night in disguise as old women. ok, maybe it wasn't exactly in actual disguises, but we did eat at the nordstrom cafe, which screams old. since i ate a lemon bar for dinner, i made him go to the gym with me afterwards--where we had this conversation:

marky: "hey, where's (insert the yuppie's real name here) tonight?"
me: "who?"
marky: "umm...the guy you're dating!"
me: "shit! shit! shit! (among other expletives)"

why i'm keeping the yuppie:

tonight the yuppie sent me a message saying he was tired. my reply was, "maybe dating me really is exhausting." his response, "is that a typo? do you mean exhilarating?"

top this

i'm having a bad blog day--sometimes it feels like with so many people i know in real life reading i can't blog about what i really want to. would it be so wrong to have an anonymous blog? soooo, rather than skip a day i'm giving you this little gem:
marky and i went to the movie last night, on our way home we accidentally stopped at the dollar store (the entertainment factor of that place is well worth a stop. really, clown statues for a dollar? you just can't beat that!) muffin top cereal--how awesome is that?!

earth day, six feet under?

earth day was on sunday, so i did my part. i ate treats. a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless because i hate him today) lives in a neighborhood where the kids got together and sold plates of goodies in order to raise money for earth day. it was very cute and i'm never going to say no to a good brownie, unless it came off willie nelson's tour bus.

i did, however, make sure my friend ate one first, just in case the homemade treats killed him. what if they were baked with arsenic in order to decrease the population? in theory the earth's natural resources would last longer, right?

yeah, i'm fully aware of my insanity. i justify it by telling myself it's cute.

my sunday rant

i went and saw hot fuzz last night at the broadway. two things: 1) i need aviator glasses something fierce. 2) i hate people that aren't me.

the group that sat in back of me clearly enjoyed the movie. so much, in fact, they couldn't stop laughing--which is fine under most circumstances, however, when you lean forward laughing so hard that you actually laugh INTO MY HAIR? umm, gross.

sure, i get that mistakes often are mad, so i overlooked it the first time, but after the fourth i was annoyed. i don't want laugh spit in my hair from strangers, and i refuse to apologize for that. i was on a date, therefore practicing some self-restraint. i ignored it for the 10th and 11th time when really i wanted to turn around and poke his eyes out with my drink straw (sorry, daisy... insensitive, i know).

from this point on, my standards for judging movies will be: was it laugh into hair funny, or just funny?

why there isn't a second dog in my future:

hugh hefner investing in utah real estate?

utah idol

last night i was a judge for superstar 2007-- a karaoke contest in utah this week is sponsoring.
for the record i know nothing about singing, but i know everything about being snarky! examples of this were my comments:
you must be every masturbating teenage boy's dream.
i'm straight but even i'd go home with you.
no comment.

and the best snarky comment caitlyn, my partner-in-crime judge, made, "i've never heard that song before, and i never want to again!" i loved her for that, because i was thinking the same thing.

it was pretty simple to determine who actually watches american idol, because after their performance they would stand in front of us waiting for mean comments. god bless simon cowell.

why i love my friends & google talk:

brock.v*******: get laid?

me: today? no. you?

brock.v*******: no

waiting on my chinese hookers.

me: i love you for that!

brock.v*******: it's how I roll.

yuppification 101, column 4.19.07

for this week's column click here.

and because i know you're reading the rest of the paper ( you are, right?!), go here and let them know you're reading and what you enjoy--you may even win a bling shirt like mine! if you're not reading, you should be! you can start here where my editor missed the memo on pink being uber cool. just to avoid questions, i did not start the pink guy blog--i just with i had! as you can imagine this guy is my favorite man in slc. boyfriends come and go, but pink guy? he's forever!

'one, two, three; one, two, three'

banjo ben ditched work yesterday afternoon so we went spent the afternoon shopping local record stores. between the two of us we ended up buying nearly 100 records, which would be much cooler if either one of us actually owned a record player.

the first record i ever owned was strawberry shortcake. i'd like to think my tastes have changed since then, but sadly no. my favorite record purchased today wasn't billie holiday, paul anka (shut up!) or any of the sinatra albums i found. nooooo, it was a random waltz album. it's cute and pink just like my strawberry shortcake album--some things never change. now if i could just find something to listen to them on!

well-fitting adjectives, not jeans...

i've never taken criticism well--it hurts. i blame my childhood piano teacher. when i couldn't get the rhythm right she used to pound it on my back as i played. in her defense, i'm sure she thought she was lightly tapping, but remember i'm a giant wuss.

now, 25 years later nothing has changed--i still don't handle critical comments well, which is sad since i can sure hand them out. i know perfectly well what my faults are, and most days i'll admit to them.

so last night when the yuppie called me dramatic it stung. why? because it's true. i get whiny when i'm tired. rewind--i get whinier when i'm tired. so the fact that it was well past my bedtime when this was said did not help. so, in the span of one evening i was overly-sensitive, whiny and dramatic. awesome.

weird things i didn't say!

i obviously love making fun of things--being an equal-opportunity offender i like to include my friends and family, as seen here:

when i asked marky if he wanted to go to the gym he replied with, "i just got a paint job and can't sweat."

"i'll be extra diligent and not look up any rapist vans this afternoon, so that i'll have time tomorrow."--compliments of the yuppie.

when leaving friends after dinner marky said, "i'll see you online!"

and worth a second mention, from pmk: "my nephews are going to be boys."

target adventures

last night i accidentally stalked a woman in target-- i blame ben. he was supposed to be entertaining me but was too busy playing with engines, gasoline and dead batteries.

while shopping i kept seeing an attractive woman who looked vaguely familiar, though i couldn't place where i might know her from. it was driving me crazy-- i'll be the first one to admit i'm slightly obsessive. she was in all the good sections and had great clothes and hair, so i couldn't help but glance at her each time i saw her.

finally, while standing in front of her in the check out line, i recognized her bag. i asked her if she was the sister of a friend of mine, indeed she was. i'd read a post on her blog where she posted a picture of her self designed bag--i'm secretly addicted to her blog because she talks about tv boyfriends which are a very important matter.

thank god i finally placed who she was, i hate coming across as the crazy lesbian blog stalker.

important lessons in dating

how to woo sarah:
how to be endearing:
ask for the vase to be returned, as it was borrowed from a friend.

a very lubricated weekend

urban princess and i went to costco to pick up a birthday present for a friend this weekend. i like to choose a gift that keeps on giving. this time, i think i nailed it (no pun intended). what better for a single guy than a super sized package of condoms? you're right...absolutely nothing.

as we waited in line i mentioned how odd it was that everyone was so friendly. typically saturday's at costco are a nightmare. it was then i remembered i just walked around a store carrying nothing but a giant box of condoms. all the friendly men suddenly made sense.

*please take note-the giant pack of 900 tampons are not mine. i'm moody, but not that moody.

real men love jesus, and rovers:

the tivo game

i'm not just addicted to my tivo, but to any tivo. you can tell a lot about a person by scanning through their saved programs. for example, take a look at this one:i have no idea what thank god you're here is, but i'm going to assume they were just really happy to have me over--makes perfect sense in my mind.

any guesses who this belongs to? i'll give you a hint--someone in my family, and that someone is probably not me.

note to self: stop worrying, column 4.12.07

go here to read this week's column. for those who sent emails last week wondering where cheese guy was, rest assured, he's back. for how long is the real question.

life lessons by hannah:

the one with ben and hookers

a friend invited me to travel with her to italy this summer. i gladly accepted. we'll be staying with her family, therefore all i need is a plane ticket and someone to watch daisy.

i've never kenneled her more than three days at a time. the thought of her in dog prison for two weeks kills me... and my wallet. previously the only person i've trusted her with is the one i'll be traveling with. this leaves ben--the kid who lost his basketball in the back seat of his own car! what hope does daisy have?

before trusting her with ben i should put him through rigorous testing. i considered assigning him a bag of sugar like in high school, but i can see him sticking it in the pantry and pulling it out only when i came over, or eating it all. what will that prove? that he's addicted to sugar?(by the way, why the hell were they teaching us in high school how to care for an infant, but not how to balance a checkbook? life skills my ass.)

perhaps i can bribe him with presents. if he keeps daisy alive i'll bring him back italian leather shoes, the ones he has are looking kinda dingy. or, i'll get him a prostitute for his birthday. if that doesn't guarantee daisy's safety nothing will.

home is where the fairies are.

no, seriously-- it is. when i moved into my apartment a few years ago, one thing nearly stopped me: fairies. these creepy little things live on the side of my kitchen cupboard. it's so creepy, but when i moved in i was in a rush and rather than have the landlord paint over them, i just stuck an old mother hips concert handbill over them. since i couldn't see the them, i just sorta forgot they were there. until today when the handbill, after four years, fell. uggg, i've once again been invaded by fairies-- and not the good ones, who can help hang the dorothy parker pictures that have been sitting here since november. i can't sleep, i can't eat. (okay, the second is possibly because i haven't been grocery shopping in weeks, but still.) is there some sort of fairy removal service? oh wait, brothers with paint brushes.

dating is dangerous!

the man i've been seeing tried to kill me last night. twice. though, if you ask him i'm sure he'd tell a slightly different version of the story.

first of all, his giant dog tried to kill me. (which i'm positive he trained her to do beforehand.) luckily, i'm not afraid of a dog almost my height knocking me over. the steep driveway, however, is another story. everyone knows i'm a giant klutz. now, looking at my hands i see three cuts just on my left hand, from who knows what. i'm always bumping into things, falling down stairs and generally getting hurt because i don't pay attention. he forced me down that driveway without so much as an offer to have a princess ski lift built in.

he's very lucky i'm not dead.

a very nielson easter

when my mom asked me to come home for easter i agreed with two conditions: 1. an easter basket full of candy 2. someone has to reenact the death of christ. neither of which happened. i went home late missing church and did not spending the night. "easter baskets are only for the children who love her enough to spend the night." whatever. as for the reenactment i don't think anyone felt comfortable explaining to my grandmother why we were taking part in something so blasphemous--on a sunday no less!

instead the boys celebrated like any other holiday... by fighting. i will never understand why the nielson males need to bond by rolling around on the floor. at least stand up and punch each other in the face. it's more socially acceptable that way.

that vince lombardi is full of shit, man.

"winners never quit, quitters never win." pshhh...puh-lease. i think quitting can be rewarding... like the time, at age six, i quit ballet because the girl next to me peed herself three classes in a row. last week i quit my brothers wedding because i hated the bridesmaid dress, among other things--also, rewarding.

speaking of family, i'll be heading to the country tomorrow to spend easter with mine. in our family we honor the death of christ with chocolate in many forms, as well as boiled eggs and the sand dunes. which really makes no sense to me whatsoever, but who am i to argue tradition.

growing up not so bad after all, column 4.5.07

this week's column can be found here. at the time i wrote it i was okay with my age. today, however, notsomuch... i don't know how wrinkles can develop overnight, but they did. i swear.

watch out girls!

as banjo ben and i were leaving the pub tonight, he stopped whatever he was yammering on about mid-sentence. i looked over and his mouth was agape as he was stared at a wedding dress in a shop window. he's considering going drag queen, or on the prowl for a wife. either way, apparently it's all my fault. i wish he'd just own up to his inner woman already.

tested and 84% white trash approved!

reasons why i might be considered white trash:

1. i had stripper-white hair for one week.
2. i own a shot glass collection.
3. i like drinking two buck chuck.
4. my fridge contains pre-made jello cups.
5. i gas up at maverick.
6. my dinner plates are plastic.
7. i don't own matching wine glasses.
8. i own camouflage.
9. i grew up in a town of 300.
10. i love gas station hot dogs.

let me explain...

1. made a very poor choice in getting my hair colored, but am now back to my natural dirty blond.
2. i've never purchased a shot glass--ak started bringing them home to me from each of his business trips years ago.
3. it's good and cheap, shut up!
4. i don't like to cook, and jello counts as cooking.
5. it has the best people watching. and hot dogs.
6. target has cute summer dishes.
7. i'm a clutz and broke all my pretty ones last year.
8. shoes don't count.
9. not my choice.
10. see number five.

home, sweet home...

the geeks drove through millard county this weekend and created this montage for me:

sad that fry sauce can make a girl homesick, isn't it?

why god invented brothers

my kitchen light has been burned out for over three weeks. any other light i would have replaced the bulb myself. this light, however, is a death trap waiting to happen. the fixture is old making it nearly impossible to extract the bulb. i tried but stopped when i realized if i was electrocuted there'd be no one to save me. daisy is less lassie and more kujo--she'd chew my legs off before attempting to make any sort of rescue.

banjo-ben and chady-bear stopped by last night to drop off the case of wine i asked them to bring from their weekend jaunt to california. the minute they walked in the door i handed ben a box of light bulbs, being the seasoned slave he passed them off quickly to chad and claimed he just had to show me the cool pictures he bought in berkley. we both bolted leaving chad on his own to fix the light, because we're caring siblings like that.

a few minutes later chady walked outside looking a little dazed--apparently i forgot to turn the light switch off. it's best chady took care of the job, he's leaving on a mission and his god is not about to let him die before he squeezes two years out of him.

liar, liar, pants on fire!

remember when i said i'd never do this again? i lied.