Sisterly Advice

Sarah: "Are you going to Uncle Cabbage Patch's party tomorrow?"

Ben: "Nope. I'm out of town for the weekend."

Sarah: "Liar. You're coming, I'll pick you up."

Ben: "Sarah, seriously, I'll be in Delta."

Sarah: "Doing what?"

Ben: "Walking around in a field carrying a gun that I'll never shoot. It's hunting."

Sarah: "Oh, I sorta forgot that existed. Why exactly are you doing this?"

Ben: "I'm getting in touch with my masculine side."

Sarah: "You could do that here you know. Just drink too much and bang some slut you're never going to call again."

Working It

I haven't blogged much about my new job. After my last experience can you blame me?

I've been spending my days at a local media technology company. There are under ten people with only one other female. And get this, I like her! I'm sure my old work mates are falling out of their chairs, since I typically dislike other females in the office.

Today, while in a lunch meeting, we discussed chlamydia over pizza. It was at that moment I looked around at my co-workers and knew I was home.

IN Utah This Week--The Dating Years--Issue 74

To read this week's "The Dating Years" column for In Utah This Week go here! Although, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a real copy. Look how cute the cover is!

When Texting is a Better Option

Sarah: “What are you doing?”

Ben: “Watching Sports Center in celebration of Eminem’s birthday.”

Sarah: “Since when is white rapping considered a sport?”

Ben: “It’s not, but you asked what I was doing.”

Sarah: “How are we even related?”

Ben: “Well, our mother and father had sex five times and we were two of the results.”

Sarah: “Thanks for clearing that up. I’m going to hang up now.”

Ben: “I think that’s best.”

A Dollop of Sophomoric Humor

I was walking Daisy through the Avenues a few days ago, when she stopped walking and started sniffing around some bushes in front of an apartment complex. Trying to change the music on my iPod I was distracted and wasn't paying attention to her like I should've been---especially since she wasn't on a leash. I looked up and Daisy was on the front steps of the building. A woman who was walking out turned to me and said, "Are you trying to get into the man?" It was then I noticed the sign and replied, "Umm, isn't it usually the other way around?" She scowled at me and walked away. She may not have found my comment amusing, but that didn't stop me from giggling the entire way home.

Three Years Later

Dear Tim,

Last week marked the third anniversary of your death. And frankly, I'm still pissed off at you for choosing to leave. Sometimes I understand but mostly I'm just mad. Someday I hope that anger fades to forgiveness, but for now I still want to yell at you... only you're not here to listen.

I still remember the first time I saw you, it was 1998 and you were interviewing for a chemist job. Your hair was way too long, your suit didn't fit and you rode a bullet bike. I was positive we'd never be friends. And in a way we weren't... we were family. I admired you more than I was ever willing to admit. I never told you how much you meant to me. I'm not so great with emotions: anger.. yes, tender shit, no. And now you're gone and I wish I'd been able to tell you how much I cared about you. You and Alex are the older brothers I never had. Both of you loving me in your own weird ways.

Today, while driving home, I passed your street and was overwhelmed with emotion. I came home and cried, and then I threw up. I could almost hear you laughing at me for "having a girl stomach." Remember how you always teased me for getting sick so easily, and then when I was really sick you were there for me every day. You called me every other day to check up on me. I never told you this, but I saw you driving past my house a couple times a week just to check in and make sure everything looked okay. Tim, you were always there for me. I hope someday I can forgive myself for not being there when you needed a friend.

I don't know if there's life after death, but wherever you are I hope you're happy, and I hope there is beer. I'm going to drink a Corona for you. And I don't even like Corona.

Love,
Sarah

Saved by the Pill

No, not that pill.

I wish my life were a romantic comedy. Not for the romance, and certainly not for the comedy, but for the convenience.

Have you seen "Good Luck Chuck?" Don't. The only redeeming quality is a visual of the well pantied Jessica Alba. Damn she's hot--total girl crush here. In the movie she breaks her tooth and just her luck Dane Cook, her love interest, is a dentist.

I need this! I broke my tooth over the weekend and can't get into a dentist until tomorrow morning. Why are there no sexy dentists lining up at my door? Where's Dane Cook and his bad acne scars when you need him?

I have every single kind of engineer you could need in my family, but not one one damn dentist. Worthless. Luckily I do have a friend with chronic back pain and a never ending supply of painkillers. Dear friend, thank you for saving me from a very painful existence.

Morons with Markers

So many things in life make my insides curl: whipped cream, midget porn, blonde's who insist on coloring the bottom layer of their hair black, watching Ben eat a pastrami burger while wearing pleated khaki pants, and now this bathroom graffiti.

Saturday Morning

Maddie showed up this morning with baked goods and giant latte for me. Rather than do anything productive we settled in on the couch and caught up on some TV. The worst part was my dog got Maddie cuddle time this week, not me! Bitches.

I Kill People

Ben: "I’m a card carrying member of the American Legion."

Sarah: "Um… I don’t really know how to react to that."

Ben: "I went again last night but they wanted me to have an old guy with me."

Sarah: "You mean a vet?"

Ben: "Yeah, that. So I told them Dad had served in the military."

Sarah: "But, Ben, Dad didn’t serve. You lied to the American Legion?!"

Ben: "Sorta. I felt okay about it because Dad would’ve served if he wasn't diabetic."

Sarah: "So you’re telling me you shouldn’t be punished just because Dad didn’t serve in the military?"

Ben: "Exactly!!"

Sarah: "You do realize Dad will be drafted now, right? The one time I used a family member as an excuse they died."

Ben: "You killed Chad? No wonder I don't get letters anymore."

Sarah: "No, Ben, this isn’t a laughing matter. I killed Grandma. I used her as an excuse once and she died a month later. I’m the bitch who killed my own grandmother."

Ben: "You’re not a bitch, you’re just insane. You didn’t kill Grandma and Dad isn’t going to be drafted. Stop drinking so much coffee."

The Dating Years, In Utah This Week--Issue#73

To read this week's dating column go here!

Secrets to a "Happy" Life

While driving through Utah County on Friday I saw this sign:

It got worse. A few miles later I saw one that said, "Eight kids, all girls, 120 pairs of shoes."

And another couple of miles, "Two toddlers, twins on the way and 1/2 ton of laundry."

If I lived in Utah County rather than going out and buying whatever these slogans are offering, I'd go home and shoot myself.

Seriously.

A hundred and twenty pairs of shoes aren't nearly enough to be shared between eight people.

Google Hates Me!

Google called me a slut. No, really.

Four readers found me yesterday by googling "online flirting." And today two people found me by searching "sex with sarahbellum."

I'll have you know, Google, there is no man in my bed these days.

I woke up for this?

Ben: "I figured out what tattoo to get if I ever decide to get one."

Sarah: "Hitler in Chinese?"

Ben: "NO! I'm not letting Hitler anywhere near me. I want a banjo tattoo."

Sarah: "Ben, you do realize tattoos are permanent, right?"

Ben: "Duh. Anyway, I want the banjo to start on my stomach and wrap across my ribs and have it end on my back."

Sarah: "No."

Ben: "What about on my leg?"

Sarah: "No."

Ben: "Fine, I'll go with my second choice. On my back I want a poker table scene with Fidel Castro playing poker with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash."

Sarah: "Is Willie going to be playing a banjo?"

Ben: "Of course, but if I ever get rid of the mullet I'll have to get it removed."

Sarah: "I'm hanging up now and going to sleep. Don't call me back. Ever."

Note to all Single Girls

1) When you wake up with a migraine always, ALWAYS take medicine for it! Do not try to tough it out, this just results in being a mess when your entire day goes to shit.

2) Never break anything in your house on a Saturday night. Every boy you know will either be having sex and not answering the phone, drinking at the bar and can't drive or they've abandoned you and moved to stupid San Diego. Also, brothers are always MIA during sister emergencies, proving they really are worthless and your parents should have made more girls.

2) Pink hammers are cute, but not intended for real work. They break easily and you're left with a broken hammer, a broken lock, a broken spirit and no boys to be found.

3) When you need to pee while in Sandy at Target after drinking wine and coffee, do not decide to hold it until you get home (which is downtown). Because ultimately you'll end up locked out of your bathroom and screaming at the lock to open. Which of course won't, so you end up in tears, and still have no bathroom to clean the mascara off your face.

4) Never decide to stay home on a Saturday night. Always meet your friends at the bar when they text you, otherwise bad things happen.

The one where my Mom sees Ben's ass.

I showed my Mom and Jen this picture at dinner last night. Immediately afterwards my Mom knocked her drink over. I looked at her and suddenly knew this is where I'd inherited my klutziness. She ruined my theory by blaming the shock factor of the picture. "I just can't imagine anyone touching my baby Ben like that!" I don't buy it for a second. I think she was secretly thrilled a girl touched Ben's ass, taking her one step closer to more grandchildren. God knows she gave up on my cobweb filled womb years ago.

Karaoke Tips

1)When a friend hands you a request slip with your name on it, immediately hide it in your purse when no one is looking. (The only time 'Secret Lovers' should be sung is under your breathe when certain "friends" are in the room.)

2)Then quickly shift the attention onto this guy, who just happened to be singing last night.

Sixth Place

Ben: “Did you hear I’m watching the twins’ tonight?”

Sarah: “Yeah, Holli told me. Otherwise I’d think you were making some sexual reference.”

Ben: “Can you believe they asked me? That’s trust, Sarah.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, that’s desperation. They asked me but I had a date and couldn’t. Her parents are going with them tonight so they couldn’t. Mom and Dad are too far to drive up, so they couldn’t. And Chad is in Japan with God so he couldn’t, and I don’t think her sister baby-sits.”

Ben: “So I’m sixth place. That’s awesome!! I’m excited, but Holli said if I had time to give them a bath. I have no idea how to wash kids, I can barely wash myself.”

Sarah: “Ben, they’re almost four--they are capable of washing themselves. Just throw them in the bath and stay in the same room.”

Ben: “I told Holli for the safety of all those involved, her kids will remain dirty. It’s just the smart thing to do.”

Sarah: “You could practice on Daisy.”

Ben: “I’m not washing your damn dog. Get Shogo to do it.”

Pushing Through The Dating Game--Issue 72

To read this week's "The Dating Years" for In Utah This Week click here.

Museum Fortunes

A "friend" took me to see the Cinderella exhibit at the UMFA last week. I thought it was a brilliant idea: taking a princess to see a princess. Hello, brownie points!

The exhibit wasn't exactly what either one of us expected. It was geared towards children. He swears up and down it wasn't an intentional jab. I did see this little gem which made it worth the trip:This is way better than a silly fortune cookie. I'm going to take this as a promise that a man will fall in love with me AND my shoes, despite our messy state. And if all princes are indeed clueless is that why I don't have one yet?

Tickled Pink

It's no surprise I buy something I don't need if it's pink. I have more pink shoes than any sane person needs. My apartment looks like someone threw up Pepto-bismol all over it. My family thinks I'll grow out of my pink phase, but they also thought I'd grow out of my baby blanket phase... which I haven't.

Today, while at Costco, buying soy beans I saw something I'll never use, but convinced myself I needed.I easily justified the purchase. After all, how would I use my cute new pan without a cookbook? Exactly! Now all I need is the pink KitchenAid mixer.

October is the very best time of year for pink shopping. I love breast cancer! And yes, I know the karmic reaction coming my way.

It's going to be one of THOSE days.

I stepped into a full elevator this morning and pushed the button to the floor I needed. “That’s weird I’ve never seen anyone do that before,” the woman next to me commented. The man on my other side chimed in, “I thought the exact same thing--who does that?” Self consciously I asked what they meant. “You pushed the button with your thumb, rather than your finger!” At that point both reached forward and pushed the buttons to see which felt more natural. “Ewww, it feels so weird to push it with my thumb,” the woman exclaimed. “I agree. It feels completely unnatural,” the man replied.

At this point I wanted to sink into the floor, but instead pointed out I have crack thumb. They turned to one another, hoping the other would understand what I was talking about. I assured them I wasn’t a crack head, but a crackberry user. They had no idea what I was talking about and started looking nervous. I pulled out my phone and showed them when I’m using it I utilize my thumb rather than my fingers. “Ohhhhh, that makes sense. You’re one of THOSE people,” said the woman, unable to mask her contempt.

Rather than kicking her in the throat, I replied “Very much so, " and stepped off the elevator at the next floor. I continued on the stairs and decided from now on I’m a stair walker. Self-preservation and exercise trump all.

Movie Etiquette

When you enter a movie plan ahead how many seats you’re going need. It’s one thing to ask the people next to you to move down once, but twice… NOT COOL! At that point I’m forced to make a dramatic scene and step over the seats in an effort to move a row ahead, leaving Maddie no choice but to follow. Unfortunately she got her foot stuck in the seat, somehow absorbing my bad karma for being a bitch in public.

We saw "Across the Universe" which was good, but entirely too long for someone who a) had zero patience left due to the above mentioned assholes, and b) self diagnosed attention deficit disorder.

My mood was magically lifted with a glass of red wine and a Red Rock burger. Seriously, that was all it took. Sometimes I'm easy, just don't mention that to my mom.

Sundays with Maddie

are no Tuesdays with Morrie!
Sent via CrackBerry

Misery isn't a Pretty Sight

My dad once accused me of being a fair-weathered Ute fan. I denied it, but he's absolutely right. After attending yesterday's game in the snow I came home and vowed never again. From now on, I'll be watching from the comfort of my home, or a well-stocked bar.

It was fun-ish, but I discovered I'm not pretty when I'm miserable and I don't like that one bit. Thanks to the boy who put up with my whining and let us sneak out early as hypothermia prevention. I promise I'm not mad you tried to kill me, but you still owe me a dry adventure.

Saturday Search Terms

I'm always amazed by the search terms that lead to my blog. Here are a few goodies from this week:

what perfume do strippers wear
naked family love
things to make with my old sweater
kolob bitches

Now if you'll excuse me, this Kolob Bitch has a bottle of red wine waiting.

Clean Hair is Bad Luck

I'm never washing my hair again. We really know that's not true--I'm a product addict, but for a moment this morning I seriously considered it.

Maddie and I attended a singles event at The Depot last night. A friend of a friend started a dating service. Showing support and being mildly curious we went. I washed my hair and Maddie shaved her legs. Together we were one hygienic hottie.

It wasn't what I was expecting... desperation comes in all forms. We left after a few minutes and went to the food court. My desperation is in the form of Taco Time. Washing my hair and wearing cute new shoes for a mall food court is not my idea of a night on town. There's not a flask big enough for that--trust me, I've looked.

Finding God

I broke up with the Mormon church years and years ago. There are many reasons, but that's another post for another day. Let's keep this post light, shall we?

I never paid tithing so I wasn't missed. Missionaries have dropped by my apartment on numerous occasions and I've always politely told them I'm uninterested. Since I haven't officially broken up with the Mormons I'm still a member of a ward. A ward that I've never been to, and never will. I even have a visiting teacher... I've only met her once and I told her I wasn't interested in having a visiting teacher. I felt horrible saying it because she was this sweet older woman, but I really, REALLY didn't want a monthly guilt trip--I have a mom for that.

That didn't stop her. Once a month she leaves me a treat outside my door. Obviously I can't say no to baked goods, have you seen the size of my ass? This month's treat was pumpkin/chocolate chip goodness. It was delicious and the closest I've come to seeing God in a very long time, which proves I need a boyfriend.

Stranger Danger: Don't know your date from Adam? Take security precautions--Issue#71

To read this week's column for In Utah This Week click here.

Zebra Boob

How do you cure klutziness? Is there a magic pill or mind relaxation tapes?

I'm constantly in a rush. I love the concept of time, but I just don't grasp it. I'm constantly late. I was born two weeks late and it sorta stuck with me for life. I always wanted to be considered a "lifer" but for something other than being punctually-challenged.

Between constantly rushing and my natural klutz-like behavior I'm getting hurt a lot. Until now it's just been slight bruising, and the occasional paper cut. Yesterday it was slightly more serious--I burnt my right boob. Yes, seriously.

I was rushing while getting ready for work. I like to do things in order: shower, get dressed THEN do my hair. I should have known mixing the order up would result in harm. I hadn't decided what I wanted to wear so I was curling my hair in panties only. (Can we please not go there? Thanks!) Being my klutzy self I dropped my curling iron, and of course it rolled down my chest, leaving me with a zebra stripe looking burn. Don't get me wrong, I love animal print but usually just on shoes--not human flesh, especially my flesh.