Shaking it for Baby Jesus

It was a rough night last night. It started when I couldn't drive up my brother's semi-steep driveway due to massive amounts of snow, immediately followed with forgetting the garage code.

When we finally got into the house the alarm went off. I couldn't get it to stop and Carter immediately started to cry. Followed by Hannah yelling because Carter wouldn't stop crying. Ten very loud minutes later I convinced the alarm company I wasn't there to harm the children, because if so, I wouldn't have done it already.

I knew there was only one thing that would cheer the little buggers up: "Baby Got Back."

And it so, so did: The fact the kids now know the word horny guarantees I'll never be asked to stay overnight with the kids again. It was totally worth it.

Another iPhone Enthusiast

Of course I told him, "Hell no! Get a job and buy your own."

Super-who?

"Aunt Sarah, Baby Jesus is incredible."

"What makes his so incredible?"

"Because he lives in outerspace and flies here to grow up."

"Hannah I’m not good on this whole religion thing, but that sounds a lot more like Superman to me."

"Who?"

In Utah This Week, Issue #89

The Yuppie strikes again--click here to read this week's "The Dating Years."

January Shopping

I found my Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog on the ground in the snow, rather than in my locked mailbox. I suspect my postal carrier is just as disgusted about delivering this particular seasonal catalog in a snowstorm, as I am about receiving it. I think it's safe to assume my postal carrier is a woman.

Letter to Missionary Brother #10

Dear Chadybear,

Thanks for your guilt-ridden letter. Is Mom there with you? I thought writing a lot of letters was a good thing. Little did I know you actually want them in a timely manner. For the record I’m not trying to save stamp money, I’m just lazy about going to the post office. I’ll be better. Maybe.

The new job is great. One of the guys (read: kid) I work with reminds me of you. Because of that I give him as much shit as often as possible. I’m pretty sure he hates it just like you always did, which only encourages me. He’ll get used to it eventually.

I read the part of your letter to Ben where you said you were sad you didn’t spend more time with us because and that we shouldn’t grow up before you get home. Ummm, we agreed and you have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you’re finally accepting our weird humor. Was it the Jesus Band-Aids that paved the way?

I’m sorry you got stuck on the same mission with that Plumb kid from home. He seems like an uptight little prick so it makes sense the holy toast kit we sent you offended him. Tell him to get over it. I know he sucks but try and get along with him. Oh my god, that was way too tender sister for me. How about this advice: just don’t punch him.

So your prophet died. It’s only been a day and I’m already tired of hearing people say it’s sad. It’s really, really not. He was 97. It’s taken over the news completely, as you might imagine. Totally annoying!

Oh and Chady… when you ask for contraband items you need to specify, otherwise you’re going to get porn and fireworks.

Love,
Sissy

I'm hated. Or had.

When harassing people through text messaging please remember spelling is key. Otherwise the recipient (me, in this case) is left scratching their head in wonderment.

In which I steal Arlo's word

I met the girl Ben has been dating last night.

In the past I've never really liked any of the girls he's introduced me to. Essentially it's the same girl over and over, just with a different name. The new girl, K, was nothing like the others. She had personality, style, and wasn't nervous around me. In the past that's been a problem. Ben claims the others have always been intimidated by me, but I think that's a bullshit excuse for having zero personality.

K easily won me over in two simple acts: 1) she remembered what I wanted from Starbucks when Ben couldn't, and 2) she pulled a flask out of her purse five minutes into the Sundance movie we were seeing.

In the reality show of Ben's life. I vote K all the way.

The Healing Power of Vodka

Sundance rocked my world last night. Unfortunately, not in a good way.

I went to the SLC screening of Henry Poole is Here, thanks to The Yuppie, who at the last minute he was unable to attend. In an attempt to stick to my Sundance theme I took another ex. Little did I know the Gods of Sundance already had that covered. Sitting down I saw a man I dated years ago who I had very much cared for.

In one room I had two men who not only broke my heart, but stomped a version of the Cha-cha-cha on it. Well, if either of them could dance. Which they can't.

Despite too many memories in one room without the coping help of an IV drip of vodka, I was able to concentrate on Luke Wilson's hotness. Which in a way, was a small triumph for me. The unexpected ex was an undying fan of all things Wilson.

During the closing credits I planned my exit strategy. Typically, I don't mind running into men I once dated, but the thought of these two particular men meeting made my skin crawl.

Tonight is the final night I'll be attending films, and as much as I have enjoyed seeing fims I'll be thrilled for the festival to end. My heart and I need some time alone. With, of course, above mentioned vodka.

"In Utah This Week" Issue #88

Click to read the newest column of "The Dating Years."

Rock of Sarah

Bret Michaels is coming for me! Or Arlo. Either way... awesome!

Venting Session Update

Winter: still here. Still sucks. Silver lining: great reason to buy cute coats and boots.

Burn: still hurts. Silver lining: Barbie Band-Aids!

Construction: Still loud. Silver lining: ______!

Math: Pissed about having to install Windows on my computer, but thankful for friends who offer great advice. Silver lining: own a cool new computer with plenty of space for installation.

In other news, it’s one day closer to the weekend! And the weekend brings two birthday parties. Neither of which are for me, but both are great guys who are smart enough to know to provide wine and chocolate cake, right?

Venting Session

I’m in a bad mood today. While I don’t have one specific reason, I have dozens that would suffice. Though for the sake of your sanity, I’ll list the top four.

Winter: I’m so over it! I’m sick of being cold; I’m tired of wet shoes and pants; I’m annoyed there is no decent parking because of snow drifts the size of my car.

Construction: The office suite next to mine has been in a state of construction for what feels like an eternity. It’s loud; It’s distracting; It’s dirty; It’s loud; I can’t walk down the hall without having someone in my way and also being in their way; Oh, and it’s LOUD!

Burns: I have a burn on my hand from attempting to make bread pudding. DISASTER! This was over a week ago and the burn is only getting worse. And yes, I’m applying Neosporin ALL THE TIME, but it’s still getting worse. I suspect I contracted a flesh eating disease from either a) the construction disaster or b) God.

Math class: Really, do I need to explain this? The fact I can’t log into the class because I own a Mac computer. How can an institution of higher education not have a system in place for both a Mac and PC. Totally and completely fucking retarded. I can say fuck, I’m in a bad mood. In fact, I can yell it loudly, but you wouldn’t hear me because of the construction.

And yes, Mom, I know you raised me better, but frankly fuck being raised better.

Turning into my Mother Part 942

For the past couple of days I’ve been searching for the Netflix movie I need to return with no luck. I gave up and emailed them to see what the cost for replacement would be. In a bad mood I went to the fridge for treats and instead found this:

Sundance Strangers

"Arlo, will you sit there? I don't want to sit by a stranger."

"Sarah, that's not a stranger that's Ross. He's with us."

"He is? I don't know him."

"Yeah, you do. You've met him a couple of times."

"Ohhh, was he the one dressed like a woman for Halloween?"

"Yes... a geisha."

"Okay, then I definitely don't want to sit by him."

Let the Dancing Begin

My first Sundance movie is tonight. Let the festival begin!

I just hope Arlo doesn’t let me fall if/when I slip on the ice this year. Last year when it happened I was nice about it. This year that won’t be happening.

I’ll punch him.

Hard.

Precious Cargo

Working full-time, going to school full-time and making time to watch Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood doesn't leave me with a whole lot of free time. Fitting in daily tasks such as grocery shopping, sleeping and working out has been a challenge.

Yesterday, while lunching with a co-worker, we decided to try and fit in a liquor store run. The weekend is nearly upon us and I was completely out of wine. Unacceptable. The trip was a complete success; my favorite Shiraz was on sale. Getting into his car to head back to work I heard my mother’s nagging “Buckle-up, Sarah, safety first.” So I did.

A couple of blocks from the office a SUV next to us forgot to check lanes before moving over. (Is it really that difficult?) The vehicle nearly hit us and it was that moment I realized I’d buckled the wrong seat belt.

Religious Drinking

I use Google Reader for my RSS feeds, so rarely use the live bookmarks I set up ages ago. Last night, however, I wanted to check my email quickly while reading CNN, so I clicked it. In Google Reader I tend to focus on who sent the email, not the subject line. After seeing these, I realize, that is totally unacceptable. I miss out on Lamanite drinking and naughty Santa games.

Now with more Jitters

The building manager must read my blog. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for this heat I feel coming from the vents.

After a month of complaining and one day of blog bitching, it’s finally fixed. Which really makes me regret the three pairs of socks I’m wearing, and the triple dose of cold medicine I took in expectation of ending up ill.

It’s probably short-lived, but I plan to enjoy every second of it. Sweet, sweet heat, how I love thee.

A Sweet 78

The building manager of my office is a heat Nazi. I'm a wuss when it comes to the cold, but when even my clients are complaining, there's definitely a problem. When asked today why the AC was on he replied, "That it is warm and sunny outside." BASTARD!

So this will be the extent of my evening:

Taking Pigskin to a New Level of Weird

Sarah: "Hey, I'm going to meet the punk rock kids at the bar to watch the Patriots game. Do you want to come?"

Ben: "I can't, I'm watching Silence of the Lambs and the game here."

Sarah: "Um, why?"

Ben: "I'm comparing the two. Hannibal Lecter and the Patriots have lots in common. Hannibal likes to tease his victims and take his time, just like the Patriots."

Sarah: "I'll never understand why girls like you. I know you're a cool guy, but you probably come off as the skin-suit kind of guy."

Ben: "Chicks dig the mullet."

Bacon & Blankets

This year for Christmas I gave myself this blanket from Restoration Hardware. It's quite possibly the best blanket in the entire world. I've never had a blanket so soft. I'm positive I'm snuggling under the skinned carcasses of teddy bears. I'm from the country, I'm down with dead animals touching me. As long as they stay away from my digestive system I'm good.

The description on the website says this blanket is "generously sized for cuddling." Which is a big fat marketing lie. I'm not a large girl and there is no way I could fit another person comfortably under this thing. I am selfish with my blankets and like to be covered head to toe before allowing my blanket to tough another individual. Any individual, even a dog.

Daisy seems to think just because she is the same color as the blanket, I won't notice her hair all over it. Once I caught her laying on the blanket, I moved it to where she couldn't reach it while I'm gone. This afternoon when I got home she had found the blanket and was sound asleep on it.

Needless to say, I was pissed. This one-eyed dog who can't manage to pour me a glass of wine or anything useful, can find a well-hidden blanket. Dogs would do anything for a good nap, which is way more than even Ben would do for comfort. Unless the blanket smelled like bacon.

Taking Note, Part Three

I am not a morning person. This is a well-known fact among my friends and previous bosses. I cannot function properly until after ten. This sucks for any of the clients I do work for, but...

I've tried everything: going to bed earlier, tripling my morning dose of coffee, massive does of morning meth and still nothing works.

Over the past year I've started turning into my mother by forgetting things right and left. Mornings are by far the worst time for remembering any details. I'm not talking about complicated details, just the basic essential items...like getting dressed. I've left the house and headed to the office in slippers multiple times in the last few months. Luckily it's been cold so I've remembered pants--no one wants a frozen hiney.

As I've mentioned here and here, I've started leaving myself reminder notes on my front door to ensure some things aren't forgotten. Today's is by far the worst of the bunch: If I have to remind myself why I'm leaving the house it might be time to admit defeat and just stay home.

Presidential Pop Stars

I love this post!

It reminds me of the great Hillary Duff incident of ’06.

I was standing in line when the woman behind me commented on my Hillary ‘08 shirt, “Oh My God, I loooooove Hillary Duff. She’s coming in ’08? That’s so exciting!”

Had she been a kid I’d have gone along with her, but she was a middle-aged woman. She should have known better. “No, this is a Hillary Clinton shirt. You know the Hillary who isn’t twelve?”

I could have been nicer, I guess, but I was just annoyed since that encounter wasn’t the first. In hindsight, I should have just bought the Duff shirt and been done with it.

In Utah This Week, Issue #86

To read this week's column go here.

Yet Another Break-Up

Dear Robert Redford,

I'm over Sundance and therefore feel like I should break up with you as well. After years of attending I'm not nearly as excited to go as I once was. Ticket prices have doubled since I started attending and actually getting the films you want is nearly impossible. I did, however, get a few good documentaries and a free dose of humiliation. There are ways to prevent this--I'll explain.

When choosing where to place your volunteers never, ever put the hard of hearing at the ticket counter. When you are placing an order and you are asked to repeat the film name over and over until you're yelling it for all to hear it sucks, because undoubtedly the movie will be Good Dicks, causing said elder, female volunteer to blush and you'll look end up looking like a dirty pervert.

Think ahead and also please stop sucking my bank account dry.

Love,
Sarah

Ten Songs for Dry Humping

veryGEORGE! is very bossy. After much prodding on his part I'm finally posting the top songs I'd dry hump to. To read his rules and post go here. I've never been one to keep rules and I'm certainly not going to start now. Since I've not been a teenager in a very long time and I sincerely doubt I've ever dry humped as much as George so I'm only posting ten songs.

Sade--Smooth Operator
How I spent 1996. Enough said.
Guns N' Roses--November Rain
I was sixteen and horny once. In fact, I'm positive this was the song I made out to on multiple occasions in the eleventh grade. Ahhh, the good old days.
Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam
Come on, admit it... we've all had the hots for the Mormon Jesus. Those blue eyes and beautiful blond locks.
Mazzy Star--Fade Into You
Find me someone that doesn't think naughty thoughts during this song and I'll do my best to change that.
I Hope They Call Me on Mission
Clean cut guys in suits are hot. I did my part in corrupting a few over the years.
Ben Folds Five--The Luckiest
I've always loved this song. And fondly remember trying to get my Mormon boyfriend to have sex while listening. I lost.
Heather Nova--Blood of Me
She's totally girl crush hot AND says the fuck word sexier than any female singer alive.
Journey--Faithfully
I don't care that George already used this one. It just breeds teenage humping. I'm pretty sure it was responsible for the great hickey incident of 1993.
Al Green--I'm Still in Love With You
Do I really need to explain this one? Total hump music.
The Sundays--Wild Horses
Sexy, sexy, SEXY!

You'll notice there isn't any recent music on this list because since last year's dry hump incident I've sworn off of it.

Inspiring the Children

My brother, Ben, has always fancied himself a trend setter. Which is complete and utter nonsense to all those who know him, but we just nod our heads and agree because it makes him feel good.

His latest hair "trend" was indeed copied, but my a much younger crowd: our nephew Carter:Who is related and therefore shouldn't count. Besides with Lightning McQueen so popular, what kid wouldn't want a lightening bolt shaved into the side of his head?

Alcoholism Is The New Black

I'm spent. Seriously, 100% exhausted. So much, in fact, I'm thinking about picking up a drug or alcohol "habit" so I can take a vacation at The Betty. I kid, I kid... mostly.

I started a new job recently and it's a bigger challenge than I thought it would be, which is not a bad thing, just exhausting. However, once I get settled I'm sure there will be many entertaining tidbits. For example, riding in the elevator with the wonky-eyed guy and working with a child who enjoys chicken. And pot pies.

But until then, I'm going to bed. Or hitting the bottle.

In Utah This Week, Issue #84

To read this week's column go here!

Sniffing is soooo 2007!

Maddie and I welcomed 2008 by kissing our shared date. He's a very lucky lad even if he does need to be constantly reminded of this. He's laughing because I licked him. As far as personal space violations go I think he had it easy. I'm the one who was sniffed earlier in the evening.

Yes, sniffed.

Drunk people tend to overlook personal space rules, which is normally fine but when my ponytail is picked up and sniffed I tend to get a little creeped out. However, I coped with a bottle of wine and felt much better.

I hope everyone had a great night!

Happy 2008!