torturing children as a hobby

last night night ben and i went over to our brother jeff's house to watch the fights on hbo. my brothers really like watching them, and while i don't i really like seeing my brothers.

my brother jeff lives with his girlfriend and her 3-year-old daughter, who i call little hula. she got one of those doll heads for christmas so she can play hairdresser. it's a nice having her play with doll hair rather than combing mine with my car keys. when she showed me the doll i asked her where the body was and if ben had eaten it. you see, i told her months ago that ben eats people. she looked over at ben and he bared all his teeth. at this point she was totally freaked out, and ben and i were in heaven. for the remainder of the evening ben would periodically walk over and pretend to eat whatever doll she was playing with.

i left before ben did and when i walked out the door little hula started to cry because she didn't want me to leave ben there. i felt horrible and decided i'd never tease her like that again...well, unless i'm taking ben home with me.

making up...

some say makeup sex is one of the best things about fighting, but what about when the fight was with a friend not boyfriend? i found the answer yesterday: makeup shopping; apparently, nothing heals a fight like buying new shoes together.

dear friend (you know who you are), i promise never to be so stubborn again! i see a future bright with target adventures, sbux and yelling for carmen in the streets. life is good, again!

holiday letter, column 12.28.06

wondering why you didn't get a christmas letter from me? read it here!

it's all about me!

people tell me all the time that i'm self-centered. i'm 31, single, no kids, and live alone--of course i'm self-centered, this is not news. i just realized that i'm capable of making everything about me, even my parent's wedding anniversary. today marked their 32nd year of marriage. when i called my mom to wish her a happy anniversary i got her voicemail, this is how it went:

mother, it's daughter...i'm calling because it's your anniversary. i'd sing like you do for my birthday, but i don't think there is a song for this occasion. i'd make one up, but that wouldn't be a gift as much as torture. anyway, thanks for getting married because you had me, and i really love me, well most days i do. today was a bad hair day, so i didn't love myself as much as i did yesterday, but still. oh, and happy anniversary, love you and stuff. bye.

somehow, i managed to turn her anniversary call into a voicemail about me and my hair. i wish i had a picture scanned of them when they were young and without the burden of daughter, the best i could do was the picture i have on my bedside table.
**mom & dad, happy anniversary! thank for loving me despite all my (many) flaws, which is a post for another day.

keyless entry

i'm really bad when it comes to locking my doors. i've gotten much better, but it used to be the running joke with my friends that i didn't even need house keys. i never had a house key growing up, in fact i don't remember once locking the front door; growing up in the country does have it's benefits(see mom, i told you i could think of one!). i still don't have a key to my parent's house, so when i got there last week and the door was locked i freaked out. rather than ring the bell i decided my parents had not forgiven me writing about strippers in my column, and locked me out for good. luckily, it was just locked to help keep the winter draft out, and i was let in the house immediately.

when i hear people blaming movies and video games for the level of crime i scoff at the idea, however, when i saw the movie picks in delta i thought maybe there is something to the theory. no crime, no movies with a rating above pg--just a thought...

window whiner

tired of crappy snow driving, i put rain x on my windshield today. the following was found on the bottle:
-repels rain, sleet and snow on contact

now, if i could just find rain x for my life! i'd love a product that repels the shit that keeps coming my way. until then, my car windows will remain the least crummy thing in my life.

joy to the caffeinated!

merry christmas everyone! i hope santa found each and every one of you, well maybe not the ones who leave me nasty blog comments--but those of you who don't, i hope he brought you everything on your list. as for me, i never felt as loved as i did when unwrapping my pretty new hello kitty coffeemaker!

santa claus is comin' to town, well my town anyway!

every year on christmas eve santa comes to every house in my hometown and to this day i still get a warm fuzzy opening to the door let santa in. when i was younger they paid the town drunk (and my sunday school teacher!!) to play santa, but since he died in thailand a few years ago it's not been the same. i miss drunk santa.

this year after santa left the doorbell rang for a second time. usually not a big deal, but in a town with the population of 4 (most of which are related) it's not often to have someone actually ring the bell rather than walk in. i opened the door and let in a lady i didn't know. when my dad saw her he simply walked into the garage without a word, and came back with a suspicious looking box. i grew up in the country, and while i don't choose to own rifles i certainly know a gun box when i see one, even if it is wrapped in festive paper. it was at that very moment i discovered my dad was a arms dealer. needless to say, i'm very nervous to see what gifts i'll be receiving tomorrow...

going home...

hannah expresses my exact thoughts about being in the country:

emergency shopping

always a procrastinator, i finished up my christmas shopping yesterday, and noticed this on the ground of a parking lot:looks like someone else is out there taking care of last minutes business...

another reason i'm going to hell

being a nice person is exhausting, not that i really know, but still...

on my way home last night i let two cars cut in front of me; neither driver gave me a thank you wave, and for some reason this really pissed me off. i think i only want to be a nice person when i know i'll be getting credit for it. i feel like george constanza, and that's really not a good feeling.

at this point i'm hoping santa brings me a soul.

time to start making up my own holidays, column 12.21.06

have you ever wanted to make up your own holiday? me too, so i did. read more here!

germs in the office

tomorrow is the beginning of my christmas vacation, following tradition i passed out the obligatory office gifts today. last year it was usb lava lamps, this year i handed out diseases. i gave pmk a cold, jb a flesh eating bacteria, the office lush got beer yeast, and i gave the office dream boat mono--mostly so i could say just that.

i did keep syphilis for myself, not because it was the cutest and pink, but because i don't want to be know as the girl who gave someone at work an std.

always on her mind...

it's no secret i love willie nelson. i even have a snap shirt in my closet that once belonged to him. no lie.

to make up for being a brat in the parking lot last week, ben brought over a willie record and put it under my very pink tree. i'm going to make him feel guilty for something else and cross my fingers i get the christmas record next!

my dog's love for him, however, was a secret until today when i came home to find her laying by his record. cute, but creepy...

a confession...

i went to see apocalypto tonight. it's the holidays so the time to be charitable, right? i felt it was only right to put money towards mel's rehab bills. don't judge, it made me feel like a better person.

parking lot adventures

i had the day off yesterday so ben and i took the opportunity to finish up our christmas shopping. we were told my nephew, carter, wanted a pink thomas the tank engine. i was excited, since pink is my thing, then i saw the parking lot at toys r us. it was packed, and the only parking place i could find was next to a mini van parked very badly, forcing me to park very badly myself.

once we entered the store we quickly realized we were totally out of our element. kids were everywhere screaming. the only exposure i have to children is my niece and nephew, who are entirely too shy to be that loud in public.

we found the toy and left as quickly as possible. when we got out to my car there was a couple next to me trying to park where the mini van had been. they were having a very difficult time, since my car was crookedly taking up half their space. when i saw them getting out of their car, i begged ben to just keep walking. he didn't. in fact he looked at me as he put the toys in the trunk and said, "sarah, why the hell did you park so crappy?". the guy looked over at me and said, "yeah, sarah, this totally sucks". i was humiliated and for once it wasn't my fault!

what boredom is:

i got hyper?? i wonder if this has anything to do with my purchase of the chipmunks christmas album today. probably...

Your Holiday Personality is Hyper

Any holiday activity is well suited to you - as long as you keep moving. Shop everywhere and anywhere. Create your own holiday cards. Make everyone on a your list a custom stocking of goodies!

How Should You Spend the Holidays?

the lonely shopper, column 12.14.06

read here for my bed tales.

planet lovers!

i supppose i heart planets as much as the next guy, just not this particular guy:

another reason i'm not cut out for parenting

in an effort to save a few bucks i decided to cut daisy's nails myself rather than take her to the groomer. how hard could it be?

three bandaged paws later, i decided dog blood is the second worst smell in the entire world, only rating slightly above farm country. once she bled through the bandages i stuck her in the bathtub to avoid blood on my white carpet. four treats later she only hates me a little bit.

never, ever again--it's totally worth the twenty bucks to have someone else do it. one more thing to add to the list of careers that aren't for me.

adopt an ass

i just got off the phone with ben. i had to inform him i found the perfect christmas gift for our dad! i heard on the radio you could adopt a wild horse or burro through the bureau of land management for only $25 bucks--and to think, we were just going to get him a pocket knife flashlight combo for $15.

wishing even the naughty a merry mormon christmas:

deep fried humor

marky and i went to the gym tonight. i forgot my ipod so he was nice enough to let me talk his ear off while we were on the treadmills. i asked him if he had heard the dictator from chile died today. when he asked how the news would affect the awesome blossom i realized he thought i meant the restaurant chain not the country! i might forget the ipod more often, he was way more entertaining than the newest killers album.

i promised him i wouldn't blog it, obviously i lied.

another site meter goodie:

the below were two separate searches, in two different cities, just two minutes apart:

it's so interesting to see how people find my blog!

she got mad skillz...

today’s a weird day for me. two years ago this day i met someone who i thought was not only amazing, but someone who would play a significant role in my life. i wasn’t entirely wrong--this person did play a significant role in my life, it just wasn’t exactly what i had hoped for.

when it comes to reading people i’m lousy, and i’ve always known that. last night while out with some friends, ‘gina (known in other circles simply as beth) informed me she is excellent at reading people. i immediately put her to the test, she passed with flying colors when she was not only able to read every male in our group, but the justin timberlake impersonator.

i’m not sure how you obtain a handy skill like that, but i wanna. in fact, i’d like to think my future happiness depends on it!

is prince charming waiting somewhere on the web? column 12.7.06

obviously, i've been spending entirely too much time online. read more here! also, wondering what to get me, errr, that special someone for christmas? go here to see to see in's holiday gift guide.

symbols among us

my office is abuzz with news today of our big fancy schmancy merger with a larger international company. it's super exciting, as they've been working diligently on it for quite some time. a co-worker asked me who the first person i'd share the big news with--it was at that moment i realized i had no one! no significant other to share the happy news with; also, at that exact moment my orchid choose to lose a flower. coincidence? hmm....

does anyone have a dose of holiday prozac they'd like to share?

fart talk

at lunch today jb, pmk, and i were discussing all the different euphemisms for farts. they were shocked i'd never heard of the one-cheek sneak. my favorite part of the conversation besides when it was over, was when pmk demonstrated the one-cheek sneak, sans fart, of course. it was a lovely moment and one where i was proud to look at him and call him my boss.

all your christmas shopping on one shelf:

caught!

daisy is not allowed on furniture. usually she's pretty good about it, since she and every ex-boyfriend i've ever had hate me yelling--i have a screechy yelling voice, and an affinity for cussing. since she's been sick, however, i've been a bit lax on this. pre-emotional stress if i caught her on the couch she would get up and run away, now as you can see below, she just is super annoyed i interrupted her nap.

no such thing as ghosts?

today a co-worker was telling me about her nephew’s recent LDS baptism. it reminded me of my baptism many, many years ago. the baptism itself went fine, it was like going swimming so no biggie. the confirmation of the holy ghost, however, didn’'t go quite as well. for those of you who aren’'t familiar with the LDS faith, a child is baptized and confirmed at the age of 8. i won’t try and explain in depth because frankly, i would confuse all of us. ask your friendly neighborhood mormon for a better explanation.

as a child i took everything in a literal sense. when i heard the word serial killer on the news i refused breakfast cereal for months, in fear a killer would jump out of my cereal and take my life. so when i was told i would be confirmed with the holy ghost i was terrified. i was hysterical and wanted nothing to do with a ghost let alone letting someone put one inside of me! i remember sobbing until my mom explained it was more like casper the friendly ghost than a scary ghost. i was hesitant but i went though with it when she reminded me my favorite aunt christine had bought me a charm bracelet for the occasion. even then i would do anything for jewelry!

santa, baby.

the christmas season kicked off today with the annual leavitt family party. after months of ben and i stalking our cousins on myspace i was left to supper the repercussions alone, as he had to work. since my grandmother passed away i don't see this side of the family as often as i would like, so it was nice to see everyone, but mostly it was just nice to see santa. of course i asked him for a boyfriend, though he thought the return policy was too complicated so i was denied yet again.
every year we play holiday bingo for the coveted santa cookies. my cousin, ryan, brought his girlfriend and when she won a plate we all knew she'd be back next year for more--they're really that good. thank god i cheated and won some as well.
now that it's officially the holiday season i should start shopping for someone other than myself. sigh...

the importance of goals--column 11.30.06

after hearing from my mother over thanksgiving how important goals are, i've set a few myself. surely not what she had in mind. click here for more!

winter bitchfest '06 begins:

typically i wait until december to start whining about the cold, however, we're only a day away, and unlike annie i have nothing to sing about--even if i could sing, which i can't, my pipes would be frozen, and there's nothing worse than frozen pipes. pmk's car thermometer showed -7 this morning in park city, while it wasn't that cold here, it was certainly cold. i need to keep reminding myself there are a few benefits to winter: christmas presents and those little miniature oranges. that's really the only positives i can muster at the moment.

holiday greetings from the lazy...

it's no secret i hate blanket text messages. i finally found something worse:

powered by
ODEO

why i love joe hatch:

now this is my kinda politician! if you aren't already reading the trib out of context blog (or tommyland as i call it) you should be, go here.

proof!!

my brother ben and i had family night last night, which included a trip to target rather than scripture reading. it's better that way, trust me. the mission was to buy christmas decorations for our newly purchased retro tinsel trees--mine pink (of course!), his silver. ben's personal mission was to buy blue balls for his tree. yes, blue balls.

i am soooo telling my mother this story next time she tells me i am her "dirty" child!

office porn

pmk summoned me to his office this morning to show me his "porn". it's innocent, really, i promise--he was looking out the window at this:

and if that wasn't enough...

ak too summoned me into his office to show me "ski porn":

it's really too bad that orrin hatch doesn't have time to define porn for these two!

daisy, the thug pug.

i need to let daisy see herself in the mirror--she must be under the illusion she’s a much bigger dog than she really is, because she got into a fight with a dog three times her size last night. she was lucky to only walk, err, limp away with three bites and a hurt leg.

when i took her to the very handsome vet today, i had him run some test on her as well because she..well stinks. she’s lost four pounds in the last couple of months—that’s a fourth of her body weight, so a significant amount. turns out she has a bacterial infection that’s making her not only lose weight, but fart uncontrollably. when i asked what caused the infection i was told it can be caused by emotional stress. that's right, my dog is stressed out! not only is she a brawler, she’s a nut case. go figure.

i think it’s possible both daisy and i need a high dosage of prozac.

game day!

read here for my tribute to the game today! sadly, i wasn't able to score a ticket this year, but i'll be wearing my pink utah shirt and watching the game from home.

hairy sports.

i was at the jazz/laker game tonight, but i found it hard to concentrate on the game once i realized teen wolf and the jazz bear are indeed the same person, or at least hairy relatives both in need of major electrolysis.

to capture a man, i must think like one--column 11.23.06

to read my adventures of thinking like a man go here!

giving thanks:

i'm thankful these two numbers are on my parent's caller id and not mine!

please excuse my grubby fingerprints; it's the country, things are supposed to be dirty. oh, and happy thanksgiving y'all!

got milk?

while scavenging through my mom's kitchen for something to eat this afternoon, i found 17 boxes of cold cereal! my mother, who no longer has any children living in her home, has 17 opened boxes of cereal. what the hell? i cannot wait for her to get home from work so i can tease her.

and to think, i was worried that i wouldn't find anything to eat.

home for thanksgiving:

jesus and i partner up.

what did i do for entertainment before adding site meter to my blog? seriously! this one is THE BEST YET!

what my vacation looks like:

taking note, part two.

as i previously mentioned in part one, i've turned into my mother--leaving myself reminder notes on my front door. apparently ben thought i need a little reminder as well. sadly, i just now noticed it.

this past month of dating suddenly makes sense! damn you benjaminoballbaby!

wooing sarah

a cute boy gave me flowers last week!

flowers for me last approximately one week before they start smelling funky. at that point they're usually wilted and icky looking so it's time to toss 'em anyway. i came home last night to find my apartment smelling like something had died. i didn't want to throw them out since they still look great, so i stuck them on the balcony where i could still see them without the gag factor.

when i walked out to my car this morning i caught my neighbor eyeing the flowers and shaking her head in a disapproving manner. i'm sure she ran inside and added to the "sarah's a fruitcake" list. oh well...

i'm nosy and want to know my readers!

when you look down your pants what do you see?
	male parts
	female parts
	ewww, gross! mind your own beeswax bellum!
pollcode.com free polls

on the cusp of the holiday season,column 11.16.06

that's right folks 'tis pie season! not only do i have to refrain from eating my own weight in pie, i have to find holiday dates.

read more here!

why beaver?

commuting is just another form of people watching for me!

office quotes

no, not the television series. my office!

ddr: you make me blush, and i make you cringe!

jb: i need some hot chocolate, it's been one of those mornings.

republican cemetery:

a burrito, please, with a side of life.

i'm finally at peace with my age. mostly.

today, at lunch i was stuck behind a group of teenagers who would not shut-up. they kept changing their order over, and over again. it reminded me how happy i am to know exactly what i want on my burrito and in life. it took every ounce of self control not to pull them aside and tell them they are like totally wasting their time with the incessant chatter about boys. i understand, as i was boy crazy at that age too, but look where it's gotten me... i'm currently without man. in fact if we woman weren't so damn crazy i'd consider that option. ok, that's a lie, so don't sending me emails requesting lesbian pictures.

but really, what i wouldn't give to go back and do it all over again--not all of it i guess, i really don't want the perm years back, that was bad enough the first time around. maybe i'm reminiscent of a time without eye wrinkles, or maybe i'm just upset over the fact i'm being faced with taking a chemistry class at 31. whatever the case, i'd forget the boys and concentrate on books.

dumb teenagers.

workplace conversations

me: i noticed someone is reading my blog from the IRS, and i'm totally freaked out.

ak: well, unless you have something to hide i wouldn't worry about it.

me: i thought i'd call paul newman for tax advice.

ak: i'd probably call robert redford instead.

me: shut up, i meant paul whatever his last name is that does our company taxes. you know the one that sings show tunes and takes his shoes off.

another site meter goodie:

who searches this stuff? seriously. i'm party appalled and partly intrigued.

just another manic monday

getting on the freeway today i saw a billboard reading "hell just froze over". great, hell just froze over and there's a demon in my windshield wipers. appropriate.

it was pouring rain this morning and my wipers wouldn't stop making a clicking noise. i cannot stand car noises. typically, to fix them i just turn the radio up. this time the radio isn't going to solve the problem--it's that loud! it's going to be a long, long winter.

i should have stayed in bed.

my future straight from the hands of the charlie chow gods:

looks like i can finally stop bothering with wearing my pesky seatbelt. seriously. I am set fo' life, yo!

at home with the kids

with thanksgiving just around the corner, i've been given a taste of the kids table. everyone's family is the same, right? grown-up table in one room, the kids table complete with the drunk uncle in another room. i was fortunate enough to be thrown with the kids for years. it's cool, kids are way more fun, even if their conversations revolving around harry potter leave me silent-- it's still better than the alternative. the past few years i've been stuck with the adults, as hard as i tried to get around it, i was stuck in the adult work discussing republican politics. yikes!

last night the in staff went to the taste of utah, where we stuck out like sore thumbs. clad in jeans and a tee-shirt i was a little surprised and mortified to find it a suit and tie affair. i found our table and was relieved to find i was sitting at the kids table, conveniently located close to the bar and exit. i was content just not to be stuck anywhere near the multiple guys seen wearing bow ties. isn't there a law that stops anyone under 70 from purchasing those? well there should be! the only bow tie i want at dinner is in a pasta salad.

i can keep my own with the perma tan crowd, i just need to know what i'm getting into. i keep extra make-up around for those events. however, i'm without aging stripper clothing. something i must work on ASAP!

just another working friday..

when you work with geeks your day is filled with geek activities:
i don't call him ddr for nothing!

birthday dilemma solved, with a little saintly assistance--column, 11.9.06

go here to read this week's column, unless you're a family member of mine, then this week just skip it. trust me.

mom, i mean it. no dead turkey day holiday for you! i'll stay in salt lake and eat at village inn. this is no idle threat, remember i like pancakes.