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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

livin' at the betty

i've always wanted to spend a week sunning myself at the betty ford clinic. i've been saying this for years, probably years before i knew it wasn't so much a relaxing day spa for sober women, but a grueling rehab for drunken women.

while my grocery list doesn't exactly qualify me for a trip to the betty, it certainly gets me closer--one day at a time!!


SuperHero said...

Well, maybe a qualifier would be, How many bottles of wine are you buying in one shopping trip?
Add in a prescription of vicodin and paxil and you could be in the next session by Spring!!

Anonymous said...

We all need goals, even colorful ones.

mikey said...

Dear Ms.Bellum--

Sorry to see that Utah still doggedly hangs onto its Mo liquor laws. I went to Squatters last night (for old times' sake and because I am a tourist) and the hostess tried to explain how I had to buy a drink and which beers are allowed to have what specific gravity. It was truly a MEGO moment, and this is me--I am deeply concerned about beer.

My buddy comes down from Idaho tomorrow and he is smuggling in some "real" beer. I hope we don't get caught.


Pete Dunn said...

Let me explain about Utah beer.

Utah measures beer by weight which is different from the way the entire rest of the planet measures it. The civilized world measures by volume. Utah beer is 3.2% by weight but is about 4% by volume. This is compared to 6% elsewhere (for the most part).

And actually some beers don't contain nearly as much as a standard Utah beer. Guinness Stout is only 3% by volume everywhere in the world by design.

But stop to think about how little alcohol that really is. In a 12 oz. beer, that 2% difference in alcohol volume equates to .24 oz. Virtually none.

What that means is that you aren't really getting hammered THAT much slower by drinking in Utah (in fact, some would argue that the altitude makes less alcohol required to do the job) but it also means that the State of Utah shouldn't be THAT worried about another fourth of an ounce of alcohol in a beer.

Oh, and to be more on topic... the wine is just as strong here. So are the sleeping pills, a fact we pride ourselves on and should include in our "Life, Elevated" campaigns.

mikey said...

Dear Mr. Dunn--

Thank you for the primer on Utah beer. I should have been suspicious when my wait person at Squatters assured me that their pale ale product was "four percent alcohol" while blithely serving me a beverage derisively known as "weak beer" in most of the free world.

Pale ales generally run in the neighborhood of 5% specific gravity, and there is a taste difference. That said, it was a refreshing enough libation. Those fellows are craftsmen, however hobbled by the Mos.

Emboldened my my new-found sophistication, I entered Utah's Dept. of Alcoholic Beverage Control Store #3 this afternoon with the intention of procuring a frosty malted grain beverage that would remind me of my homeland. Oh yeah, they only sell it warm. Sigh.

I wish I had been paying more attention to the hostess at Squatters during her presentation on where within thier establishment a fellow might procure a cocktail, where children were allowed, and the subtle nuances of avoiding the onerous requirement for "membership," designed to deter tourists from visiting this fine State. I'm sure there are some real gems there!

Best regards,


Annie, The Evil Queen said...

You may, however, qualify for a trip to the Valley of the Dolls.