i got pipes!

i finally made it to MY doctor today, no more instacrapcare. my ear is still troubling me, and by troubling i mean hurting like a son of bitch (or gun for JB)! you know the drill when you have a doc appointment....wait...wait.. and then some more waiting. so i read a few gossip rags and am all caught up. did you know jen & brad broke up? people, please quit stealing the good magazines from waiting rooms! i want recent gossip, after all that is one of the reasons to go to the doctor.

i finally make it into the next waiting room, and i wait (the theme of my day). no old mags to be found there. i busied myself with the ear charts, i like to self diagnose. i was so engrossed in memorizing the names of the ear canals i didn't realize the good old doc himself had walked in. no big deal, right? wrong. i look up to see him laughing. why you ask? i just happened to be singing to myself.

what sarah needs now is drugs, sweet drugs it's the only thing that there's just too little of what sarah needs now is drugs, sweet drugs no not just for some but for everyone.

you would think i would be totally humiliated, but i wasn't. come on, they are so used to me there. i am like the daughter he never had, that quirky daughter he thanks god nightly he didn't have.

on with the professional diagnosis...as he is explaining why my ear infection wants to linger, i interrupt with my thoughts: well, doctor that makes sense, but have you considered perhaps my eustachian tube might be the problem? it is possible it never grew into a kink as most do when reaching adulthood. i could still be hearing the world as a child, with a straight eustachian tube, i mean that IS possible.

he stops and looks at me for a moment, looks around the room and said, "i thought i told the nurse to hide those books from you!" he must have been so busy enjoying my rendition of burt bacharach that he didn't notice the look of guilt and the sudden slide movement hiding the book under the chair.

...and sometimes i wonder why they can't fit me into the schedule, sigh...

the one where she needs a boyfriend....and his tub.

i had a crummy day (the reasons need not be blogged), but then i remembered i had new tubby juice, i just love bath and body coupons! so, all day i am looking forward to coming home for a nice relaxing tubby, and when i get something in my head i want nothing stops me, or so i thought....

aromatherapy lavender vanilla foaming bath. √
scrumptious sugar scrub. √
glass of wine. √√
current new yorker complete with new sedaris story. √
billie holiday music. √

locked the front door to stop any surprise guests....and i was set. i just got settled in when i heard someone coming up the stairs. please, please don't be for me. ben lives across the hall, let it be one of his lame friends. nadda. loud knocking at my door. crappity crap crap. i get out, all while telling myself-- it's probably just krissy and she forgot something. again, nadda. my downstairs neighbor was there to inform me my tub was leaking through her ceiling. double crappity crap crap. thus endeth the near fabulous tubby i have been looking forward to, and thus endeth my evening plans. argh....

at least now there is a reason to finish off that bottle of wine.

girl of summer!

it's summer, the way i can tell is: i washed my car, wore flip-flops, and donned pink glitter lip gloss. these are only summer time activities for me. feel free to ignore the snow in the mountains, because i am. seriously, it's summer. i can feel it.

which means instead of being a hermit i can get back to business. including but not limited to sarahday nights with aimee, and evenings on the sbux patio. did you hear (errr...read) that aim? saraimee is back!

morning of shame

we all know the term "walk of shame", more than likely out of personal experience (like me). this morning i felt the walk of shame, without the walk. i went to take daisy out and instead of putting more clothes on i figured she would be quick and it was warm enough that i was ok. well, ok...i wasn't. i didn't factor in church. come sunday morning my street is packed with cars, and those cars are filled with nice church going families. there i stood in my ratty old see through tank top and super short boxers. my hair at crazy angles and make up under my eyes. i look like i had been rode hard and put away wet (i wish, sigh...). i swear those parents hurried their kids the minute they saw me, and i swear as they walked away the children were warned about girls like me. ok, maybe that last part was a lie.

humiliation before coffee, not the ideal way to start my day.

ode to the 'pod

top ten reasons why i like my ipod better than people:










1-my ipod always does exactly what i tell it to do.
2-my ipod requires little maintenance.
3-my ipod goes anywhere i want, without complaints.
4-my ipod doesn't have any opinion on life choices i make.
5-my ipod is always there for me.
6-my ipod never tells me i am too opinionated.
7-my ipod doesn't mind when i flake.
8-my ipod never judges my musical choices (e.g. lyle lovett and neil diamond).
9-my ipod wears pink leather.
10-my ipod never hurts my feelings by saying the wrong thing.

friday five....

top 5 fictional characters you would sleep with:

1-seymour glass--there is just something about those crazy ones, enter jesus complex ( i could save him, i know i could).

2-james bonde--the man has it all; cars, gadgets, women, and now ME!

3-jay gatsby--young, rich man who throws glamorous parties should guarantee his spot. however, the real reason is his library. mmmm...color me turned on!

4-ken (as in barbie)--who cares about jen & brad splitting. when barbie & ken split in 2004 he made the list. now what to do about those pesky underwear permanently molded to his body...

5-wonder woman-- i refuse to accept judgment over this one. everyone was in love with wonder woman despite sexual orientation. duh, it's wonder woman. she IS my girl crush!

idle time

i am a sell out.

tonight, i sold out to american idol. having never seen a single episode i finally tuned in to see what all the fuss was about. my self diagnosed attention deficit disorder only allowed twenty minutes. i refuse to admit i enjoyed the show. however, i absolutely (pun intended) admit i'm madly in lust with the dreamy ace "i want to hump you" young. luckily, i was able to stop drooling long enough to notice that ace reminded me of someone....

so, shag-worthy twins separated at birth?!

i double-triple latte love jason lewis--otherwise known as smith jared, samantha's super sexy boyfriend on sex in the city.

serialkiller.com

i tell you this lest i end up chopped into pieces and placed into someone's deep freezer, only to be discovered by my trusty lassy dog daisy, and only because she was hungry and there wasn't anyone to fill her bowl (someone has to keep her in fatness, and that someone is me) --this will serve as my written record of such events that led up to my untimely death.

i am contemplating signing up for match.com (gasp). if i don't end up dead, think of the possibilities. no, not the possible dating matches, the possible entertainment factor. i blame jacquie brown. if you weren't getting married and i wasn't faced with finding a date i wouldn't have realized just how long it has been since i was asked out on a proper date. so jac this one is on you--miss me when i am gone!

this post is my preventative maintenance, as i have yet to join. please feel free to attempt talking me out of it.

greatest moment in sports.....hats!

a cautionary tale when eating at la frontera.....

alex calls this my "is there really a guy wearing a hat that says cocks behind me look".

enough said.

curiosity killed the blonde.

i saw this today while at the store!
when the normal person sees a giant beware of dog sign they, well beware! not me. i made the mistake of getting closer. remember barkley from sesame street? well, a ferocious larger version of that dog lunged at me through the half open window. i screamed and ran. sadly, there was no pmk to hide behind this time.

as soon as it warms up enough to take daisy in the car again, i am soooo getting one. how funny would it be to see that sign on a car with a pug? i can't wait!

meth-ache

i have a nasty little ear infection. in an effort to avoid a night time trip to the instacare i went in search for some sudafed, my mom's cure all. when i am not feeling well i regress and immediately need to phone my mom. AND no matter what the ailment, sudafed is the cure.

cold? sudafed. sore throat? sudafed. pimple? sudafed.

off i went in search of the magic red pills. living downtown, while usually fantastic, is not the ideal location for midnight cold medicine retrieval. two pharmacies later and all i was able to find was the sudafed pharmacy card. at midnight, the pharmacy is closed! what the hell?! to avoid contributing to the meth labs, these pharmacies won't let you purchase any ephedrine based product without the "supervision" of a pharmacist.

i cried. honestly, i did. i was in some serious pain.

i found the assorted eardrop selection. i immediately opened one and made krissy drop them into my ear right then and there. sure, people looked at us funy, but at that point i refused to care.

the moral of this very painful story is to plan ahead with those winter colds!

sarah mcmuffin

some have wild friday nights out on the town. some choose to stay home and play with their new kitchen appliances. i am the latter.

i accidentally stopped at target on the way home, and i accidentally bought this...
i immediately canceled plans and invited krissy over to partake of the goodness. i don't cook, just don't do it. i have never taken the time to learn and don't see myself learning anytime soon. however, this i can do! in under 5 minutes i made not only something edible, but GOOD! i am saved. ever since the super-size me induced mcdonald's boycott i have been craving these like a preggo craves pickles. problem easily solved. everyone needs this new toy. the kitchen is now more than just a place to store coffee and diet coke....it holds food!

who knew...

now if i can avoid what seems to be the micky d's phenomenon. i don't want a giant ass, because you know what comes with fast food weight gain right? nascar jackets.
you reading this mom?? stop the snoopy dance madness, nothing changes. i am still against most things kitchen!

friday five, "lies and the liars who tell them".

i know this week's top five was a real stretch but i promise to make it up soon. with that said....
top five lies told this week:
1) no, i don't remember flirting with you.
2) of course i was listening, you have my full attention.
3) you know, this database was well worth all the time and effort.
4) police officers are indeed cute.
5) i never want to see you again.


the biggest lie of them all was #5. i am going to practice meaning it, because some lies just deserve to be truth.

bag me, figuratively speaking (of course)!

i have been feeling rather lonely lately, blame valentine(-less) day. however, i hope this pity party for one is ending soon.

i have a dear friend who is going through a divorce. hearing about it reminds me that perhaps i don't really want to have a significant other in my life right now. there are so many lovely things about being single: complete control of the remote, coming home to my apartment to find it the exact same way i left it, no one drinking the last of the vodka without replacing it. yes, apparently i am a drunk control freak. ha ha, i kid (i think?).

i have to remember the last relationship i was in-- for comparison value. my god, i should be happy that it's over, not sad. we all go into new relationships with certain baggage, and hope to leave with those same sized bags. not this time! i need a full-time butler to carry these suckers around. yeah perhaps, i exaggerate but lately it does feel like my baggage has tripled.

snow is bullshit....

after the nightmare commute this morning i am either a) moving to a warmer climate, or b) buying this:


thanks to a hidden wire electronic thingy woven into the fabric, this bodywarmer promises to heat me up using only battery power. HOT! of course not wanting to look like i should be on the cover of a blind melon album i am going to hold out for another color, preferably pink!

thank you maplin electronics, you warm the cockles of my little frozen heart.

s(elf esteem)-bux

dear s-bux boys,

my first favorite thing about sbux is an americano with an inch of cold soy. my second favorite thing about s-bux is when you cute barrista boys flirt with me. nothing is better for the self esteem of this 30 year old then the pretty hipster boys flirting with me.

perhaps they teach you in your training video. whatever the case, please never ever stop. i am eternally grateful to you boys, you bring me happiness in so many ways.

love, sarah

happy hallmark day!

all bitterness aside, happy valentine's day everyone!

may all your sexual fantasies be fulfilled tonight....

date for the date-less?

someone needs to host a losers only valentine’s day party this year.

even though it is a consumer holiday, i love it to pieces. yes, i am well aware the only reason i adore it so is because of the pink factor. nothing wrong with that. when you love pink as much as i do, of course you are going to enjoy the hell out of a holiday that is bathed in it. no brainer!

sadly, i am not in a relationship this year. so there will be no special someone to celebrate with. no porn, errr…art books, flowers, and value size box of condoms this year as gifts (yes- it really happened once). in past years midge and i have celebrated with dinner, wine, and a “special” gift exchange. alas, this year she has a fiancée to attend to. which means my plans need to consist more than sweat pants, ice cream, and project runway/sex in the city episodes. so, someone please step up and host an alcohol filled pink fest. pretty please, in pink glitter? for me….

DISHeveled....

i have been known to put off doing my dishes. today, i have vowed this bad habit must end. this being why...

in an attempt to create more room in the sink i created the master disaster, stuck pots! i tried on my own to pull these bastards apart, but nada. luckily for me i have some manpower across the hall. ten minutes, a broken knife, and a promise to immediately do my dishes later the problem was fixed. it's times like this where i am tempted to move into a cookie cutter apartment for the mere convenience of a dishwasher. funky cool apartment vs. dishwasher.....luckily i can't make any decisions on a sunday night. tomorrow when i wake up in my fantastic loft i am sure i will be way over it.

vaudeville square

my second favorite (first being the pub) thing about going to trolley square is the adventure factor, you always know you are going to witness something out of the ordinary. justin2 and i there today to see capote. i have long since wanted to see it and finally found a willing partner. for once i made it on time (shut-up, it occasionally happens), which left us with sufficient time to wander around. giving me more than sufficient time to poke fun. today's subject, the bowling pin jugglers. i have often thought about running away and joining the circus. really, who hasn't? recently the pmk circus had an opening. unfortunately, i didn't have the free time for stilt lessons. the funny thing is i am not making this up (the knauer's really did have a family circus). thereby proving my theory-- truth is always juicer than fiction. j2 suggested we go see if the spectacle had anything to do with the nerd store upstairs. he suckered me in. i did stop and take a deep breath before entering, as if to pay homage to the nerds that had gone before me. that was a lie. i was actually telling myself i would make it out the same girl. rest assured, i am.

capote is worth seeing. i am still amazed the same man wrote breakfast at tiffany's and in cold blood, what versatile writing. the execution scene was almost impossible to sit through. i have always had a difficult time witnessing such matters, even though it's just a film. death by rope freaks me out. we know why. so no need to discuss. walking out the overhead music was johnny cash, how appropriate.

i need to re-read in cold blood. guess a trip to the library is in order, yay (damn nerd store)!

utard county

i am playing the good auntie again today, and as usual a very valuable lesson has been learned.
the general population here in utah county are idiots. let me preface the story--my brother has two year old twins, a boy AND girl. when i was out and about with them today i was stopped more than once and asked if they were identical. again, there is a boy AND a girl. apparently in utah county science classes with basic information are not required.

or is it possible senator buttars had something to do with the science curriculum. hmmm....

apple-bux

i absolutely love apple products, however i can't stand the apple store. while it is cool looking with the hot apple tattoo boys in true religion jeans (i guess if you have to wait that long for service they want you to have something pretty to look at), the service level notsomuch...

my 40 gig ipod broke a couple months ago. don't worry, i have a nano so i am still with pod. i have one month left on my warranty, so time to get it fixed. much to the dismay of a certain friend and my geek squad i have procrastinated this for quite a while.

no more.

the geeks and i hit the gateway for lunch yesterday in attempt to get the damn thing taken care of. out of spite i didn't want to go. out of spite for apple, and out of spite for my bossy friends. for some unknown reason they make the process so difficult. studio bar, genius bar ---just fix it already.

i have an appointment with the apple genii this afternoon. it took everything not to laugh at them when they said that! it reminds me of the sandwich shop by my office, where they are referred to as sandwich artists. l-a-m-e! to get an appointment i had to get online earlier than the usual 9 am. in case you are wondering what the hell i am doing blogging at the ass crack of dawn.

now, if i can just get out of the gateway without spending an ungodly amount of money on jeans....ohhh lolabella. sarah, focus on the task at hand (repeat in head--apple and sbux)! steve jobs, depending on the frustration level after this outing please expect my retail therapy bill in the mail. mmm...thanks

friday five, early again.

this week's top five comes after a couple trip to stores this week i found humiliating! so here it is--top five stores you would wear a disguise in, if you thought it wouldn’t attract even more attention....

1 wal-mart--obvious reasons. it's the people who aren't embarassed that worry me.

2 sam's club--i promise i don't have a membership. blame politico, as i only go with him.

3 reams--i swear on daisy, i only go there for dry ice runs. work, not bombs (usually).

4 best buy--i attempt to keep my geekiness at a low, being seen in this store undoes all the hard work.

5 batteries plus--get your mind out of the gutter you dirty people, there are other reasons women buy batteries.

highest value?

al and i are broken up. yup, you read right. no more, it's over--at least for now.

why you ask?

charging for the air america podcast.
the al franken show was my first and favorite podcast. the only one i listened to religiously. monday's show was the last of the franken freebie era. i am sure i will end up pulling out the old credit card and suscribing after i pout for a couple days! until then, broooken-up!

wanted-paycheck, where criminals go to work....

the geeks and i went on a field trip today to pick up some some geek supplies for jeff. destination--hydrapak seals. for you lucky non-geek hanging folk, this is THE destination for o-rings and any other type of seals. yawn.

while jeff was discussing o-ring pickers (whatever) i was looking around for my own entertainment. when i found this:


chaaa-ching!! business card for none other than warren jeffs, famous and oh so wanted leader of the FLDS church. entertaining isn't it? wait, there's more....scott peterson works there too! who needs the fbi. we have detective sarah and her trusty geeks on the job!

styro coffee, with a splash of sad...

i was in a rush today so i had to grab coffee at the maverick gas station rather than sbux. i really need to work on their ads, little bit country...little bit white trash. who cares if it offends them. it's true, which is why i go there. prime people watching!

anyway.

as i was walking out, in walked a war veteren. he had to be in his late 70's or so. he was in full uniform, and by full uniform i mean even his oxygen talk had dress blues! it reminded me of a time when seeing someone in uniform meant something to me. as opposed to now. now when i see someone in uniform i am only reminded of a war i don't believe in. i would offer my full opinionated sarah trash talk here but honestly i am not in the mood. WHA?? me not in the mood to shit talk the current administration? obviously that coffee didn't give me quite the boost i was hoping for. i remember being little sarah and seeing my grandpa's uniform in grandma red-car's closet. i don't have many memories of him, he died when i was really young. seeing the uniform as a child was impressive. something of honor and respect for a man i only knew through pictures. seeing the maverick man brought that all back. sadly, my grandmother is now gone as well, so i am unable to make a quick trip down memory lane.

i can't help but wonder.....will i ever be a proud american again? or was that only something of my childhood....

mood-tastic!!

is it just me or do the rest of you find it nearly impossible to sense the mood of someone while conversing through messenger? often i have found myself completely annoyed at someone while chatting, only to find i am taking things the wrong way. which is easy to do a) when typing on a computer, and b)when the person you are conversing with is attempting humor that is left un-sensed.



i propose msn mood-eger.





remember those fabulous mood rings from our teenage years? i loved those! why can't the keys on our beloved ibooks sense our moods the same way those delightfully tacky silver rings did? the typing will change colors depending on your current mood. of course i say ibook because typing with mood-eger will be something only the very cool will use (enter apple).

until then.....this will have to do.

hitting it, washington d.c. style!

who would you rather sleep with?

janet "ugly as sin and evil as the devil" reno

OR

condoleezza"sometimes she just looks like the devil" rice

artest me!

my brother took me to the jazz game last night. it wasn't until i walked into the delta center that i remembered i had sworn off of larry miller. oops! oh well. i glared at him from across the court everytime i remembered. as ben pointed out countless times it does no good. i know this, but it still feels good. despite the possible wrinkles i am causing.

can someone please explain to me why the delta center can not let your lid remain on your coke bottles? has this always been the case? of course i would have no idea as i spend my money on better liquid (read-beer). remember in elementary school when you saved soup can labels to buy new equipment? perhaps the jazz really are doing so poorly they need additional funds for new equipment.

and what is with the alcohol enforcement officers? as if anyone is going to get trashed at 6 bucks a cup. come on.

to the girl behind me i want you to know there is a fine line between being an enthusiastic fan and a obnoxious twit. you crossed that line 4 minutes into the game. since you were with your mum i chose not to point that out. i should not expect much after seeing her pants. i have never seen so many star studs on one pair of jeans. gross. you should have gotten the hint you were hated when the people sitting next to you moved. duh. i understand your excitement as i too love basketball. BUT, you bugged the hell out of me. your wal-mart jeans and your nascar jacket only provoked me. Unfortunately for my readers ben made me play nice. he is soooo going to heaven for keeping his sissy in line.

no, i didn't get punched and make millions. maybe next time.

welcome to the fish bowl, jenny-fur.

happy 29th birthday! enjoy this year, because it’s all you got left of those glorious 20’s. trust me when i say this year will go by fast. i know, from experience.

you will always be 16 to me, hot lips.


Inventory, Dorothy Parker

Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

the friday SR segment, early.

we all do it. we pretend we have read and enjoyed a book we really haven't and didn't, just for the sake of impressing others. some of us can just admit it. maybe i have watched high fidelity one too many times or maybe it was just talking to scott one too many times this week. whatever the case here you have it.....

top five books you say you enjoyed to impress others, but really didn't:
1 this side of paradise, i didn't even finish it!
2 lolita, yaaaawwwwn.
3 the winter of our discontent, oh please we all lied about that one. we only like it for the title.
4 in cold blood, dear god that was bloody! you have to lie about this one, capote factor.
5 life of pi, religion and ocean water? come on. color me bored and thirsty.

yeah, yeah...i know. get over it. at least i read, unlike some. namely branden, remember that leash? he only read words in magazine form or on the back of a vitamin (read; pretend steroid) bottle. only proving to us that pretty boys really are dumb. and who said that stereotyping was a bad thing?

capishe?

part of the reason for starting this blog was to develop humor in my writing, and to have a public forum to make fun of things. we are taught to develop our talents. mine so happens to be poking fun at everything. i could compete and come home with a gold if this ever makes the olympics.

my friend scott called today from ohio or whatever bullshit state he chose over ours. he pointed out that i am not as funny in my writing as i am in life. which i know is true, because i am funny, side splitting pee your pants funny. while i can't compete with my dear tricks, i still make that attempt. but as scott and i discussed, it's hard to write with that certain element of humor. i think in part i am a little afraid of offending certain people. silly, isn't it? when i wrote the post about mark and his addiction to returning i was worried he would feel badly, so i toned it down. well guess what folks. no more. consider it for a moment, sarah-finally unsensored. we need this. you, and i.

1)for my friends-- i ask you not to be offended when you are blogged about. you all know i love you or i wouldn't spend time with you. so, please i beg you, laugh along with me.

2)for my family-- you were born for me to make fun of. after all, i am the reason you are even here. i came first and after seeing how fabulous i am our dear parents kept going. four brothers later i am still the better child.

3)for the general public-- most of you deserve it. remember what i always say, elitism is rad!

geeking it.

when you work with geeks you either a)become one or b)share their interests from afar. i choose b.

the adventure this week was to view the nols bus, which is powered by recycled veggie oil. i should explain, my geeks have a vested interest in this sort of thing. they have formed a bio-diesel company, ascentra fuels. which has proven to be beneficial to them and entertaining to me. there is nothing quite like watching your pals dive into a crown burger dumpster, on purpose. by day bio-tech brilliance, by night bio-diesel semi-brilliance. watching their process has been interesting, one might even venture to say fun! yes, fun. they have even sparked interest from the local film-makers. they were filmed during the summer for a future documentary. watch out sundance, here they come! now if i could only talk one of them into blogging their bio adventures. hmmm....
as for willie? stick to your tunes, these good ol'boys have bio covered. go hemp!