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Friday, April 28, 2006

double this!

i hate suv's, but you know this right? if not, read here to catch up. with that in mind, i bring you our submission to fuh2....if you haven’t yet, then wander over to the site. it’s my new favorite thing.
mainly because of this:
a collage of bird flipping hummer haters, just my sorta ‘thang!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

a geek is a geek is a geek....

sometimes i threaten that i need new friends, of course, i never really mean it. they don't come better than my geek squad, these guys would do anything for me. while fantastic guys, they are however, total and complete geeks.

these are the topics discussed over lunch today:

significant digits
air force flight pilot handle names
bluetooth technology

do you feel my pain? occasionally, we discuss things that actually interest me....

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

reason # 163 why fox news should be stopped....

just what the white house needs (insert sarcasm here).

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

a second helping of blasphemy, please.

mystery boy and i are spending the evening doing something that would make my ancestors jump out of their graves with glee! i thought it would be fun to let you kids guess, but somehow i see that one getting WAY out of hand (you dirty, dirty people).

mormon sunday dinner!

we’ve decided it’s our calling in life to combine the finer points of a mormon dinner and a sarah dinner. a mormon dinner consists of the following key ingredients: pot roast, potatoes, mismatched place-settings, and loud children. a sarah dinner consists of only one key ingredient: wine.

does anyone know what kind of wine goes well with funeral potatoes? obviously boxed wine, but a chardonnay cube or a burgundy box?

Monday, April 24, 2006

don’t be silly, cover your willy.

i’ve often wondered who buys the non-lubricated condoms, you know, the red box trojans. i obviously spent too much time in the condom isle of the drugstore in my early 20’s. i finally figured it out, young mormon husbands! the geeks pointed out a bag in the back-seat of an audi wagon they parked next to, which contained one lonely condom. typically, this wouldn’t phase us, however, this time we knew the car owner.

to condom boy: i applaud you for a) getting some and b) practicing safe sex, but the curious part is the single serving size condom. aren’t newlyweds still in that “practice” stage, therefore needing multiple condoms over the one night stand purchase? i don’t get it.

now, to add to my rising condom issues i bring you some entertainment:

thanks to the neglect on the part of, one more reason to shop there. entertainment!

nachos, bringing friends together one greasy chip at a time!

woman bond over food; don’t ask me why, that's just the way it is.

i met my second favorite sarah yesterday for coffee. we’ve been blog-friending for a while now and recently decided it’s high time we become real friends. we share a shoe obsession and an elitist attitude, so we got along famously. i look forward to shopping and target adventures soon!

later that day, i met up with mystery boy for lunch and a movie. i’m a giant pub whore so we went there. there were two separate tables of women eating behind us. the women all bonded over nachos, of all things. unfortunately, i was turned away staring at the couple in matching hiking clothes so i missed the nacho swap. luckily, mystery boy caught the whole thing. what drives a person to walk over to a table of unknown women and ask if they’d like to try your nachos?! oh, yeah…beer.

thanks to mystery boy for catching that little goodie for me; he’s a fantastic partner-in-crime for that very reason! boys with purple shoes are somehow better than the rest.

Friday, April 21, 2006

girls who like to go off road.

friday five isn't happening today, because i'm pissy, and that's all the reason i need! so, unless you all want to hear the top five reasons i hate the world, i think i'm better off blogging yet another reason to be a lesbian (in case you forgot the previous post):

my love of all things pink might just one up my hatred for trucks. i quickly pulled over to take a couple of snaps on the ole camera phone. it was then i noticed the pink parking lines, i looked up at the building and realized i was standing in front of the local slc lesbian bar, yes there is one. in my over caffeinated imagination i could see the biker girls inside ready to come after me with their magic lesbian dust. i quickly left, maybe in my 32nd year....

i did, however, look in my rear view mirror. twice. just in case. portia de rossi could have been chasing after my car. no really, it COULD happen....

Thursday, April 20, 2006

420, just a puff of smoke?

i hate email chain letters.

i'm never going to believe that my future relationship luck is hanging on the balance of one single email, hello, i don't have a) luck or b) a relationship to jinx!

so, today i received this little lovely via cell phone:

Fwd:Fwd: Puff puff pass! Dis is a cellular blunt so dont fuck up the rotation! Keep this shit movin' til the whole world hits it! Happy 420!

since when are we getting forwards via cell phones?! i can't seem to escape this crap. to forward, or not to forward, that is the question. i'm ok with risking bad blunt luck, as i don't smoke them, but just in case i pick up the habit between say now and the end of the day, i'll pass it on to pmk.

so, we all know the deal; 420 is the day to celebrate being a pothead. we've all heard that 420 is the cop code for that wacky tobaccy, well not according to snopes:

420 is the penal code section for marijuana use in California.

Nope. Section 420 of the California penal code refers to obstructing entry on public land. The penal codes of other states list different entries for 420, but none of them matches anything having to do with marijuana.

just so you know....

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

fire and brimstone--shaken, not stirred.

while in the dressing room at express yesterday, i overheard two young girls discussing the skirts they were trying on. when having trouble deciding one asked the other, "what would jesus think if he walked into the room when you were wearing it?"

as i walked out they mistakenly asked my opinion, i simply stated, "jesus strikes me more of the red or black type, not baby blue". i walked out as their jaws hit the floor.

i'm positive i'm going to hell, but at least i know i'll be warm there.

gays rock!

i've never been a big fan of personalized license plates, but this one was just too fabulous not to like....

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

business up front/party in the back

this morning ben and i were discussing his summer haircut plans, he's moving "home" for the summer. we've decided if he is going to live in the country he has to be country (don't worry, it's just for the summer).

the obvious answer is, of course, a mullet.

when he was trying to explain what he wanted it to look like he said, "i don't want it to scream i want to sleep with my cousins, i want it to whisper it".

it was at this point i realized, we are most definitely related; siblings NOT cousins!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sunday, April 16, 2006

hard-boiled jesus

i love easter: the eggs, the candy. it's nice to forget our cholesterol and refined sugar worries, even if only for the day. it's also one of the few times i accept children with holiday bows in their hair. you know the sort-- gigantic badly ebay-ed "big love" bows.

i hated church, even as a child, however, easter sunday was different; pretty new dresses always had the ability to soften those hard pews. although, perhaps the fidgeting was intentional on this day, to draw attention to the new dress. god, being an only girl in a world of boys was never easy. they just couldn't appreciate starched lace and kid gloves, like the blue-haired that sat behind us.

this year, the only new easter dress i saw was on my niece, as she and her twin brother took part in an easter egg hunt at my parents house. i was given the task of helping hannah with the eggs she couldn't reach. she was ecstatic each time she spotted an egg, screaming at the top of her red-headed lungs, "EASTERRRRR EGGS for hannah" (she always has to assign things as hers to avoid sharing with her brother). she spotted an egg behind a little jesus picture my mom has on her piano (mormon paraphernalia), as i lifted her to grab it i could see the confusion on her little face. "auntie sarah, it's jesus eggs?" this was the defining moment of my weekend; do i remind her they are easter eggs or do i encourage jesus egg talk, knowing well my mom will be slightly annoyed.

i don't think i need to explain the route i took. hello, lightening!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

the day my mom tried to have me arrested.

i'm heading to the country for easter. i don't go home as much as i should. i blame my country allergies, but the truth is i go crazy there--out of my mind bored crazy. the town (if you can call it that) i grew up in is itsy bitsy. so, when i head down my mom always wants me to pick some things up for her, as the nearest target is an hour away (gasp!!). this list included lipstick and 2 boxes of claritin, a must have for country living, claritin-not lipstick. the first store i went to only had one box of claritin left. no biggie, more than one target in a day is a happy day for me! at the next store i decided to be a good daughter and pick up a couple more boxes, no reason for her to worry about making another trip soon.

this, was not my best idea.

while paying they asked for my drivers license, credit card safety precaution i assumed. notsomuch. i was asked to take a seat while they called the pharmacist. i've been flagged. store policies in utah changed last week. you're only allowed to buy one box per day; i'd already purchased my limit less than 20 minutes earlier. security and the pharmacist had a nice little chat with me about meth use in utah. while i'm not a chemist, i think that perhaps extracting the sudaphedrine to make meth is more trouble than it's worth.

the best part? the chat contained the words "homeland security" 5 times, none of which were uttered by me.

thanks, mom.

congratulations, it's a monster.

a seemingly normal couple? not a chance in hell. wait, do scientologists believe in hell?remember when tom cruise was cute (circa- risky business), and mostly sane? this was, of course, before he donated his once functioning brain to "the cause" or scientology, whatever.

the upcoming birth of his monster baby just keeps getting weirder and weirder. the silent birth? come on, i've seen movies-- you're supposed to scream and carry on, cursing your husband and sometimes even threatening his life. scientologists believe this strange ritual should be carried out to prevent children from turning mad. funny, because i thought scientology was the factor in turning people mad.

scream, katie, scream! then, for the love of god, wash your hair.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

it's not easy being green, or is it?

dear mystery boy,

i would like to take a moment and apologize for this next post. i know you don't approve of my sbux obsession/addiction. however, i'm fantastic, so i'm hoping you will overlook this minor detail. i, sarah middlenameless _____, do solemnly swear never to ask you to enter said establishment. while in your presence i will always frequent coffeehouses of your choice.


with that out of the way here it goes....

yes, that's a sbux apron you see. no, i didn't get a barista job (my flirting with older women skills just aren't up to speed). i've been made an honorary member of the elite sbux team.

that frog is full of shit, going green is good!

what a feeling!

remember flashdance? i do! be a maniac, MANIAC!

i love that some of my fav 80's fashion trends are reappearing.

leggings. i've got 'em. i'm wearing 'em.

the rest of you can either a) hop on the trend wagon or b) shut the hell up.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

friends don't let friends listen to poison....

tim is and always will remain my music god. he has taken part in many interventions with ben, and myself. most recently because i have once again pledged my love of bad 80's hair bands, he doesn't put up with such nonsense. it's because of that last statement i feel that he has replenished my ipod with musical goodness!

i'm going home to sit in a dark basement, lit only with candles, to cry myself to sleep. i am once again, a hip kid.

tim, i remain your humble follower, because you keep me from having to listen to real radio....

Monday, April 10, 2006

thank you for, uh....smoking?

my favorite punk rock girl, sue, and i went to see "thank you for smoking" tonight at the broadway. if you haven't seen it, go, it's hysterical.

just don't pull a sarah and have coffee and soda first! usually i don't mind getting up for a potty break, my self diagnosed a.d.d. desperately needs it. this time i dreaded leaving, even though the broadway has my second favorite movie theater bathrooms. why, you ask? there is a special stall, one that had the misfortune of losing a door (i'd like to think it was someone, *not me!*, that too brings in a pink flask and has fallen through the door in a drunken stupor), instead of replacing the door they hung a shower curtain-- it makes me smile.

as a bonus, the movie has adam brody, who i always want to shag in a bathroom stall, even if it is doorless!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

love thy neighbor?

downtown this weekend was more than interesting. yesterday i saw protestors outside the temple. now that usually wouldn't spark much interest, but they were handing out balloons. were they saying that mormons are full of hot air?! hmmm.
today was the "dignity march", i wanted to see the turnout so the boys and i headed down. i was moved (not literally, as state street was closed), it was incredible to see so many people united for one cause. i usually don't like to see the american flag displayed everywhere, i.e. bumpers, lifted truck windows, cheap walmart shirts. i feel that it lessens the meaning. however, today was different, i welcomed the flags displayed and white freedom shirts worn. i haven't seen the news or read anything on it yet, but it has to be the largest march we've had here, with at least 10,000 people.

simply, amazing.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

adventures of milo and otis.

another dog post, sorry. i had a quiet evening last night, nothing to blog home about. dinner with a friend, then home for a little reading. nice. quiet. relaxing.

i've been doing laundry all morning (which means i'm outside in the back of my place), insert milo and otis. my neighbor, hippie chick, has a cat. now, this cat has a name, but being a huge breakfast at tiffany's fan i have dubbed the cat, "cat". i've been attempting to teach daisy that cats are meant to be chased. she's not quite grasping this doesn't help that cat isn't afraid of her, cat thinks daisy is there to play. they take turns chasing each other all over the yard. typically, cat chases daisy. this milo and otis behavior has been going on for months, however, today we made progress as you can see....

milo and otis have taken up a little boxing, proving to me, there is hope yet!

Friday, April 07, 2006

all elvis, all day--friday five.

it's an elvis day. it could be the fact i am wearing my new purple suede shoes. they're fantastic, and i love them so. i will be listening to all elvis all day long, despite protest from the gg-top.

so, in tribute to the king, i bring you MY five favorite elvis songs:
1. suspicious minds
2. devil in disguise
3. hard headed woman
4. are you lonesome tonight
5. viva las vegas

and just so you know, i heart the fat elvis, not the pretty army elvis. it's the transvestite in me, karate-chop me baby!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

the power of pink!

it looks like i am the only one here that appreciates all things pink. obviously, daisy doesn't. i recently bought her a new food bowl, which she defiantly refuses to eat out of it. daisy never refuses to eat. never! the minute she hears food being poured into her bowl she runs for it, with some major fatdog force. someday when i've stopped blogging and no one knows where i am, blame the dog. she's knocked me over and i've fallen out the window.

today when i fed her she just looked at me, and waited for her old bowl. i walked away to finish what i was doing. she usually eats really fast and then comes back to wherever i might be. this time, she didn't. i went back and here she was....

giving me the cute "you're my human, fix my problem" look. nah, i wanted her to learn to eat from the cute pink bowl of goodness. i left her there. here she is an hour later....

damn stubborn old girl! whoever said that dogs are color blind lied....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

what's in a name....

i'm forgetful....

which would explain my need for lists, and blue pens. somewhere in my quirky nature i have convinced myself that blue just makes words prettier. forgetfulness must be a genetic thing, since ben is the same way.

finally, after months of cultivation and growing a set, ben finally asked out a girl he had a crush on at school. if he read this and saw i called it a crush he would be pissed, luckily he is too lazy to read it. i can just hear him now, "sa-RAH, i don't have crushes, i'm too old for that". sure ben, you're too old for a school crush, but not too old to ask your sister to "do your hair". here comes the fun part....he couldn't remember her name after six months of classes together.

i've been scheming all week, i was positive i could come up with some brilliant plan to ask her name without really asking her name. after all, i am the girl who had her date introduce himself to daisy. he was none the wiser, and the evening went flawlessly, that is once i knew his name! i've spent all week racking my brain for an idea, nothing, nadda, zilch.

ben just called, he solved the dilemma. how?? he asked her if she spelled her name conventionally or something cutsey, turns out she is a kristina--with a k. so, not only did he come across as the sensitive caring type he covered his genetic flaw. simple, yet i couldn't come up with it.

now, if you'll excuse me i have to return a call. to whom, is the question....

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


i've been thinking about getting a night/weekend job. as if working and school isn't enough to occupy my time, right? the money would be nice, and a change of pace would be welcomed. it would be helpful to do something relating to social services, as that is what i am studying.

i've been with the same company for almost a decade (gasp), which is amazing for someone who claims commitment issues! i love the people i work with, they are my family, and most days i like them better than my own family! however, it would be nice to have something a little more social than my daily geek-fest. don't get me wrong, i adore my geeks. but, i work with the same people day in and day out. it would be fun to mix things up a bit.

but, what to do....

well, it has been decided....and not by me. are you ready? are you sitting down? good, as my future contains porn. you're surprised aren't you? with the whole "invest in my chest" campaign you wouldn't think i have it in me. i know, nor did i.

so, let me explain. i wanted some very natural looking highlights in my hair. it's almost summer, and as a dirty (pun inended) blonde, i wanted to brighten it up a bit. natural, notsomuch. porn star, yes.

behold my future....

Monday, April 03, 2006

girl scout future, no way.

i'm famous for never being prepared. i constantly rely on my friends for anything i might need while i'm out. jen for lipstick. aimee for her big purse to carry my phone and wallet. midge for alcohol. my friends love me, and don't mind. i think?

tonight i didn't have a galpal, so i wasn't prepared with a real camera, just my camera phone. a "friend" took me to a dinner tonight held for jazz season ticket holders. candy!!

i had a great time, and successfully felt up at least one player! someday, i'll learn to be prepared.


the geeks do zion (guest blog)

it was a slow weekend; in part due to conference, but mostly due to the fact the geeks were out of town. not only were they gone for the weekend, but they left me all day friday.... geek-free! pmk originally came up with the idea to have guest bloggers, however, he's been "busy" and is now just getting around to writing one. whatever. i think once his family circus was over he didn't have proper blogging material.

and with that i bring you brokeback zion....

Alex, jb & I spent the weekend in Zion. JB does a bike class there every year and alex & I decided to go with this year. When you have 19 students all meet together, it starts to get confusing who is who, so we assigned monikers to each of them about things we could remember. We had ‘The Prohpet’ (named after her cool Cannondale bike), ‘the Mormon couple’ (self explanatory), ‘the doc’ (starting residency) & ‘the guy with the long neck’ (you would have to see it to believe it.)

We head down to Zion and meet at Kolob Canyon for our 1st ride. Pouring rain w/ sleet. The hand dryer in the ranger station bathroom never felt so good afterwards. Great. We’re soaked and haven’t even set up camp.
A nice but cold morning in Zion Canyon.

JB requires each of the students to give a presentation at some point of the trip to pass the class. You should have heard some of the hack jobs we witnessed. I am really worried about the future of our college students. Some were actually entertaining. We heard about flash floods (The Prophet), some sort of camp fire banana abomination (the Mormon couple) and how to stop gaping wounds from bleeding (the Doc). That one could come in really useful after seeing the way alex & jb ride.

The most gratifying part of the trip was to see us ‘older’ folk kick some 20 something ass going up Kolob Canyon and out on the Gooseberry Mesa. Still good to know we’ve got something left in the tank.
Some of the slackers trying to keep up.

Sarah would have been appalled at the guest showers in the campground. The only person I know that is more neurotic than I am is Sarah. You go into these glorified bathroom stalls and stick you token into the wall timer for 10 minutes of hot water. The floor is caked in mud and god knows what else. You have no choice but to walk barefoot through the muck to the shower part. The air is freezing, but the warm water feels good. Your 10 minutes seems to go by in a nanosecond and you are stuck with the stark reality of cold air. Now the fun begins: you have to walk back through the muck and put your clothes back on without dropping them into it. I dropped a sock and contemplated leaving it there. Instead, I gave to Sarah as a souvenir. Hope she liked it!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

come unto me....

as i've mentioned before, my brother is a practicing mormon--practicing what, i'm unsure of. i picked him and a few friends up from conference today. this is what i wore in honor of my heritage.....
they have metal detectors at the conference center, so ben was forced to take his keys out for all to see....
i'm starting to wonder if he really is my biological brother, and not a random baby our mother found in a parking lot--like i told him as a child!

what snores like a boyfriend, smells like a boyfriend, but isn't a boyfriend?

i'm a bit out of sorts this morning; time change, takes some time getting used to. apparently, i am not the only only. i awoke to this:
daisy has a dog bed on the floor, where she sleeps, at some point in the middle of the night she decided that wasn't good enough. without waking me (which is nearly impossible!), she jumped onto my bed, settled in and went to sleep. she looked entirely too cute to kick out!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

stoli ever after...

sometimes a girl needs a little boost, a boost beyond a soy americano, that is. so, when i saw the below statement on a "friend's" blog, i knew it was true. i'm abfab! i won't be needing that extra shot in my coffee today!

"Originally I put this pic up for Sarah, a hot girl in Utah that is pretty much the only one that I'd consider staying for...."

squish, squish, dahling, squish, squish..