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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Letter to my Missionary Brother

Dear Chady-bear, 7/10/07

Thanks for your email! As requested here is your “real” letter. I’m glad you liked the package I sent you. However, I’m not sending you anymore jerky. I gave you enough to last a normal person a year. Silly Bear, red meat is bad for you. Did you like the stuff Ben included? As you may have guessed the half used bottle of mustard was his addition. Go figure.

I’m sorry you have to share a room with 12 guys. That doesn’t sound so bad to me, sans the garments of course.

This part of your email made me giggle: Are the mariners winning their division? Are the redsox wasting the yankee's? Come on, keep me posted, I’m in a prison up here about to go crazy!

It’s so cute you think I have any idea which baseball teams are winning. The only baseball related fact I can offer is Thirsty Thursdays at the Bee games are by far the best thing baseball has to offer, even though the beer lines are long.

As far as feeling like you are in a prison, I have one word: DUH! What were you expecting? The MTC isn't exactly a Hilton.

Three months without any sports, news and “huntin” is going to drive you crazy. Maybe you should just come home. You can hide in my apartment for the next two years--Mom and Dad will never know the difference. I think it’s brilliant! You’ll of course have to get a job or be my manservant. Your duties would be simple: clean, cook, walk Daisy, designated driving, Starbucks runs and garbage removal. It’s not Japan but at least it’s religion-free. Plus the only language you’ll have to learn is Sarah-speak, and you’ve already got 19 years experience.

All in all, it makes sense. Well… other than I can’t offer you medical or dental insurance. And I have a strict no gun policy in my house.

You’ll stay, I know you. Besides you’re the youngest child and pleasing Mom and Dad is all on your shoulders. I was lucky to be the oldest. I knew I could spend a lifetime disappointing them with my life choices and they still have four other children to make them proud. But no pressure, Chady.

I love you and miss having my Bear around. Visiting home just isn’t the same without you there. It’s too quiet and no one fights me for complete control of the television.

Let me know if you’d like something sent that isn’t jerky. I can wrap items in newspaper next time so you can at least read what the hell is going on in the world.




Melliferous Pants said...

My older sister left all the parental disappointing to me.

Anonymous said...

I think my blog header should read: "proudly disappointing people for over 40 years".

Does MTC stand for murderous, torturous and chaotic? 12 guys, one room, no sports, diet coke, or homecoming queens....MTC

Anonymous said...

HA HA! Post his reply.

Roger Doger said...

Will he be able to receive your letter? With profanity it may be sent back to you. It could be you're on the MTC's equivalent to the do not fly list.

alecia said...

maybe i'm just used to your offensive style (not that there is anything wrong with that), but this was so cute and relatively tame while still very sarah. chaddy bear is lucky.