licking gray's...

ice-cream, geez what did you think i meant? you dirty, dirty folks!

it’s a fine line between my neurosis and love of all things coffee. gray offered me some of his espresso coffee this afternoon, i hesitated for a moment, carefully weighing the situation--coffee vs. germs. surprisingly coffee beat potential gg contamination, is it possible that i'm becoming slightly less neurotic with age?!

don’t hold your breath on that one...actually maybe you should, just in case, or at least don’t breathe in my direction.

beer and a side of foot

flyboy and i went to dinner last night at a little joint known as roosters; a cool little place, but it didn't follow my no cocks at dinner rule. yes, i realize a place named after a rooster is bound to have them throughout the restaurant, but still...

it's hard to pay attention to your dinner conversation when you're waiting for your date to stick his foot in his mouth. you see flyboy has an excellent track record at doing just that. i'm not easily offended, so instead of getting upset i get excited. rest assured, the evening was a complete success! a man passing outside had on a puffy vest, flyboy pointed out how silly this was as it doesn't keep your arms warm. bippity bam, guess who wears a puffy PINK vest all winter long...yup, me.

it's nice to have something you can count on.

inflatable dater

i hate litter. country carl knows this from experience; i was giving him a ride somewhere and he threw out a gum wrapper from the window. i immediately stopped the car, turned around and forced him out to pick it up--carl will not be littering again, at least in my presence. i live on a busy street, often there are asshats who decide littering the street is better than littering their car. whatever. when i saw a box on the curb last week i went to throw it out (yes pmk, i was planning on using massive amounts of sanitizer on my hands, industrial strength no less).
upon closer inspection i found a blow-up doll box! at this point i decided not to pick it up, sure we can say i didn't want to touch it, but honestly i wanted other people to get that same shock factor!
either there is a dirty pervert out driving my street playing with his new "friend", or one of my neighbors can't get a date--a human one, that is. i've not stopped judging my neighbors since the incident. god, i love people.

got pants?

somewhere out there my office-mate, gray, is without pants; a very scary thought! when i walked into the office today, i found his pants hanging on a peg, the pants he had on yesterday. he has the day off, so i wasn't able to ask him why he decided to drive home commando. i did, however, have the opportunity to fill his pockets with "girl sticks" and to leave this pad stuck to the inside of the pants.

that'll learn him...

new haircut? mull it over.

chady-bear graduated from high school last night which makes my parents old, yet somehow i remain not a day over 21. everyone knows how boring graduation ceremonies are so the mind tends to wander; while i was busy contemplating why i wasn’t the inventor of velcro, ben was in another place, a place far, far away. he was dazing off, as he usually does, when he suddenly perks up looks at me and asks if he looks like he’s been smoking weed. i’m unsure why looking like you’re stoned is suddenly a good thing. poor ben, living in the country is affecting his mind. and his hair. yes, you're looking at the beginning of a trashed out mullet. go ben!

no idiot left behind.

while paying for lunch today pmk handed over $11 for a $10.98 total, the cashier grabbed a calculator to ensure pmk received the correct change.

umm, you do the math. there is entirely too much to make fun of...so insert your own sarcasm, ad nauseam.

why i have word of the day on my google homepage:

Word of the Day

fustian: pompous or pretentious language.
hobbledehoy: an awkward, gawky young fellow.
cum: with; along with; combined with.

for those keeping count--that's three blogs containing words that make my mother blush. awesome.

get in gear!

ak is riding in the tour de cure, a sponsored ride to raise money for the american diabetes association. diabetes affects 20 million americans; the most significant to me is my dad, diagnosed at the age of 8.

i’ve donated, and i’m asking you to do the same here. it’s a good cause and every little bit counts, skip sbux for a day and contribute your coffee money. it’s enough that you can feel good about yourself without hopping on a bike and sweating your guts out.

ak, thanks for riding for both of our dads!

bike speak

may is bike month, and today is ride your bike to work day. i’m not a biker so i don’t take part in these activities, however, the geeks are, and they do.
although i think they got confused and thought it was DRIVE your bike to work day. whatever.

i don't speak bike, so when jb looked at me this morning and mentioned, "darn it, i forgot my scrotum today", i was speechless. the disturbing part to my tender ears was that he said darn and scrotum in the same sentence. you see, i really feel that a forgotten scrotum deserves at least a damn...but that's just me.

commander in queef

i cannot believe i just wrote a blog title containing that word! i hate that word, however, it's very fitting and i can't ignore a good rhyme.

in honor of our fearful, errr...i mean fearless leader's address to the nation tonight:photo taken at snowbird this weekend (thanks jon). ahhh, clearly a man after my own heart.

happy "i don't share shit" day.

growing up in an mostly male household taught me young to cherish certain girly items-today's example, barbies. sure, maybe i didn't play with them in the most conventional way, but i still played with them. i loved playing cars with my brothers, mostly just wrecking them, adding barbie into the mix was...shall we say interesting? my dolls always had broken arms and legs wrapped in homemade casts--tissue and elmers glue, often i was forced to shave their heads for brain injuries.

despite these acts they were still cherished childhood items. imagine my horror when i showed up to dinner at my parents today and found my niece had been playing with MY toys, as an only girl sharing my toys was not something i was accustomed to. just as i was about reclaim my treasures my mom gave the the look of death, i knew at that point hiding the toys from hannah was not an option. any other day, i would have directed her attention elsewhere and taken back what was mine, but not today.

mom, i'm not sure why you've been sad your kids are all grown up, because obviously we are not...

happy mother's day!

twilight-bux

today’s afternoon trip to sbux was the most horrifying yet; keep in mind i go there daily. our usual coffee girls weren’t there, the replacements: two mullets, and a confused deaf lad. i must clarify; the confused deaf guy was only pretending to be deaf for a sign language class. (i would never make fun otherwise, even i have limits.) it’s interesting how being deaf has evolved into just being mute. correct me if i’m wrong, but don’t deaf people usually not hear things?! he heard everything we said, obviously, and communicated via post it notes.

yesterday, hot blond rory made my drink. today, fabio.

i definitely need time to recover from this experience before i can go back, thank god it’s friday and i can go to gateway bux for the next two days. coffee gods, please hear my plea....return rory, blond rory, hannah, and molly. i need beauty with my caffeine.

music theory, optional.

my baby brother, chady-bear, graduates from high school this month. it seems strange i have a brother that young, on the other hand i still expect to see him as a six-year old shaking his but at me yelling, “show this to your mommy”.

after deciding to buy him an ipod, i called my mom to guarantee it wouldn’t be a duplicate gift. she suggested i just give him money instead; "sarah, your brother doesn’t actually like music", which was news to me. after further questioning i was informed that he only listens to country-western. when i pointed out to my mom that country music, while shitty, does indeed count as real music. i got a "whatever, sarah".

and people wonder why i’m such a shit.

got balls?

i’m never, ever prepared--not even for something that i’ve known about for weeks. seriously. what good is an ipaq when you can’t be bothered to remember to take it with you?!

the one day i needed to be in jeans, i’m not. typical.

my office is going bowling today, team building, blah, blah, blah. as usual, i forgot and am clad in flip-flops, needless to say no socks. now, i’m slightly neurotic, so the thought of wearing communal bowling shoes sorta freaks me out (by sorta, i mean A LOT). add to this equation, if you will, the fact i’ll be borrowing gg-top’s extra socks. yeah, it’s going to be a long afternoon….

not to worry, i’ll be very busy contemplating the reason why my company is obsessed with ball sports lately.

all things geek...

welcome to my world...
it was here i learned the importance of an optima red point car battery; which is "nonspillable and can mount in almost any position". ummm, yah, just what i'm looking for in a boyfriend, err...i mean battery.

trans-amtastic!

"i'm moving to canada--hollywood is making knight rider into a movie." --flyboy

one persons nightmare is another's dream come true! i'm already digging through my closet for my KITT tee-shirt.

bloody ironic, isn't it?!

one of my friends is, without a doubt, the funniest person alive (next to me), or the computer that generated my address for this mailing list is, either way this veggie lovin' girl got a giggle out of it!
...well done, i say, well done (bad pun intended)!

why i should be in government...

this post will most certainly cause one to think flyboy is a natty ice guzzling, overweight, balding man. he’s not, he enjoys pabst blue ribbon. i kid, i kid. with that disclaimer out of the way...

flyboy went to the kentucky derby over the weekend. yes, by choice! while he was gone we entertained ourselves with bad state slogans. some of our best were:

kentucky, where we wish immigration were an issue!

kentucky, where sleeping with your cousins isn't required to visit, but it helps!

kentucky, we make your state look good!

and then there was one…

midge, my abfab partner-in-crime, got married this weekend. i’m fine with being the last of the single girls, mostly because i’m the only one who can take home the elvis impersonator without guilt.

yes, elvis was most certainly a guest. sadly, he declined when i passed him the special juice. perhaps he had plans to raid the old ladies purses for pills. whatever the case, i was disappointed not to have the chance to drink with elvis.

next time, e, next time...

friday five, wooing sarah.

you know someone really likes you when the compliments they give you are:

1) wow, you sure don’t drink beer like a girl!

2) dude, you eat fast. i can barely keep up.

3) you are crazy.

4) i’ve always believed people are born inherently good, that is until i met you.

5) *compliment withheld at this time.

keep it querque!

best text message of the day:

Me too, safe in Albuquerque, one more flight.

i only have one question, is anyone ever really safe in albuquerque?

where love is...

i noticed this on jb's office shelf today. i've yet to gain the courage to actually open the box. i'm afraid some things are better off left to the imagination, especially my imagination.

davis county, home of the brave?

last night flyboy invited me over for an evening of drinks and chain restaurants. i happily accepted and made the trek north: destination layton, or idaho as i call it.

somehow, i overshot and ended up in clearfield, go figure. i stopped for directions at the local maverick (a little bit white trash, a little bit country), it was there i realized, yet again, that nascar is ruining the nation. i patiently waited a couple minutes before interrupting the riveting conversation between the toothless employee and the man in the nascar jacket; there are only so many times i can listen to “holy shit, whoa man”, before i lose what’s left of my rumored sanity. i explained where i was attempting to go, only to get a “LAAA-DY… this ain’t layton!"

thank god for that....

pete ashdown, the better looking candidate.

it's pete ashdown blog day.

my fellow slc bloggers will cover the real reasons why he deserves our vote, and since the important topics can be read at their sites, i thought i would share with you my reasons to vote pete.

it's simple really, it comes down to the packaging. i will buy nearly anything that has fantastic packaging. sure, what's inside sorta counts but the outside look is what gets me. i admit, i'm a packaging whore.

with that in mind, look at this little goodie.... while the opposition, orrin's too busy molesting little michael j. fox to care....now, don't get me started on orrin's fashion sense, or lack thereof. i think ethan has covered that extensively.

reason # 44, why i'm the normal child in my family

growing up in the country does things to people. things we don’t speak about in mixed company, on the world wide web, however, we do: banjo love.

the other day i came home to find this....ben’s been talking about buying a banjo for months. i thought it was a passing phase like his obsession with girl mullets, apparently not. i’m not sure what frightens me more, the thought of him becoming willie nelson, or the idea he was so excited he couldn’t wait until he got inside to play the damn thing.

pri-ass

i've found my calling in life! no, not turning making fun of people into an olympic sport, but rather bumper stickers-- finding entertainment in them, and passing it onto you good people.

duck, duck, goose?

flyboy and i spent the day wreaking havoc on the fair city of salt yesterday. it was a marathon judgment day, and not only did he tolerate my people skills, but he participated, and well i might add! the venue was liberty park for the drum circle; those who have spent time with me know, hippie watching is a sport. there were so many favorites to choose from and sadly, no camera. as usual, i made it out alive and offended only a few. duck man being the few (plural as i'm positive he considered the giant toy duck he carried around a friend). at one point duck man noticed our watchful eyes, it was then i felt a little guilty. not to worry, i washed that right down with more judgment and a diet coke.

one sunburned nose later we ended up at andy's. i don't remember the last time i had such a good time getting groped at the local dive bar. sadly, it was just jack doing the groping. jack being my new dive bar boyfriend; this is not an exclusive relationship, nor is it reciprocated.

flyboy handled the entire day with ease, which causes one to think i've possibly found myself an elitist partner-in-crime.