Turning Four

Dear Carter and Hannah,

Happy fourth birthday! The last four years have flown by--you’re growing up too fast. I wish you didn’t live in Utah County, so I could see you more. Twice a month isn’t nearly enough. I feel badly that the only time I see you are when your parents are gone. Remember I'm there because I want to be.

Carter, I’m so happy I didn’t throw you out the window the first time I babysat you. Trust me, I was tempted. You cried so much, more than any baby ever, but my friend Alecia was with me and she talked me out of doing it. You owe Leash your life.

I love you Buddy. More than I ever imagined I could love a small child who likes to play big trucks and wear animals on his clothing. You’ll always be my buddy.

Hannah, you’re everything a little girl should be: cute, pink-loving and spunky. You never stop making me laugh, especially when you attempt to have an adult conversation with me. You use vocabulary just slightly beyond your comprehension, much like your Uncle Ben.

I love you Hannah Gatanna more than the color pink. And you, of all people, will understand that’s a hell of a lot.

I have a Starbucks gift card for both of you in my purse. I couldn’t bother giving it to you on your birthday because Grandma Myrna might have been angry. And I don’t want to anger her. She calls pregnant people fat, so can you imagine what she would do to me if provoked. I’m sure you understand.

I love you two more every single day. You’ve brought our family together in a way that I never expected. I would do anything in the world for you, and would do whatever it took to protect you. You’re the closest things to true love I’ve ever known. Thank you for letting me be your Auntie.

Love, Aunt Sarah

A Lesson in Love

Ben called when I was picking up the kids from the daycare last week. After discussing whatever weird thing was on his mind that day, I handed the phone to the kids so they could say hello.

When Hannah was on the phone I said, "Make sure you tell Uncle Ben you love him." She looked at me in complete disgust and said, "No, Sarah, love with boys is gross! But when you get married love is OK, and it's not gross anymore."

She handed me back the phone and left Ben and I to discuss how weird our family is. Even the kids.

Shaking it for Baby Jesus

It was a rough night last night. It started when I couldn't drive up my brother's semi-steep driveway due to massive amounts of snow, immediately followed with forgetting the garage code.

When we finally got into the house the alarm went off. I couldn't get it to stop and Carter immediately started to cry. Followed by Hannah yelling because Carter wouldn't stop crying. Ten very loud minutes later I convinced the alarm company I wasn't there to harm the children, because if so, I wouldn't have done it already.

I knew there was only one thing that would cheer the little buggers up: "Baby Got Back."

And it so, so did: The fact the kids now know the word horny guarantees I'll never be asked to stay overnight with the kids again. It was totally worth it.

Super-who?

"Aunt Sarah, Baby Jesus is incredible."

"What makes his so incredible?"

"Because he lives in outerspace and flies here to grow up."

"Hannah I’m not good on this whole religion thing, but that sounds a lot more like Superman to me."

"Who?"

A Princess Christmas

My niece, Hannah, called me this morning to tell me that Santa brought her a brand new princess bed. She wasn't kidding. I drove down this afternoon to see for myself and found her cuddled up with her dolls wearing a velvet princess costume. I asked her if there was room for me and she looked up with the sweetest face and said, "Yes and always, but NOT EVER BEN!" Which is totally fine since when I walked out I noticed Ben in Carter's room begging him to trade beds. Not all surprising since Carter scored a race care bed. Ben is sorta weird and into all that Nascar crap.

Merry Christmas everyone! May you all be as happy as this little girl:

Children Don't Lie

Remember this? Hannah certainly does. My brother mentioned that Hannah has started going up to larger women at the mall and telling them she loves their fat butts. Needless to say, he wasn’t too thrilled. I, on the hand, got a good laugh out of it, but then I’m not there dealing with a very angry woman.

Last week when sitting the kids I was running a bath for them and noticed only the boy twin was ready to hop in. I walked into the other room and found Hannah, naked, looking at herself in the full-length mirror. “Hannah, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be getting in the tub with Carter.” “Aunt Sarah, I’m waiting for my butt to grow.”

I laughed and tried to explain to her she had her entire adult life to worry about the size of her butt, and now wasn’t that time. As we walked back into the bathroom together she looked at me and said, “Sarah, I love your big butt the best.”

And because I love her, I didn't drown her in the tub.

The Magic of Christmas

I've decided the best thing about the holiday season isn't the presents, the holiday lights or any of that tender baby Jesus crap; the best thing is manipulation. Something I'm quite fond of, but throw in the Santa factor and it's better then ever!

While watching my niece and nephew this week I was able to witness the miracle of Santa. Kids will do anything if you involve Santa.

"What's that? You don't want to go to Starbucks? Santa just called and said Auntie Sarah HAS to go to Starbucks right this second." The speed in which the kids ran for their coats was spectacular.

"No, you're not wearing cowboy boots to school. Why? Because Santa hates cowboy boots."

"You want chicken nuggets and not the PB& J sandwich I just made? Santa just sent me a text message and said you have to eat the sandwich, or else."

After two days of this the kids finally asked how I know Santa. Clearly the only thing to was lie. I told them Uncle Ben had gone to the North Pole on his mission. Carter piped up and asked if Ben, or Uncle Mean as he calls him, had baptized Santa. I told them Uncle Ben had indeed baptized Santa. They were in awe.

Later when my brother Matt got home Hannah told him that Uncle Ben had tried to kill Santa, which I guess is pretty accurate. Baptism is a lot like downing, only you just get cake after and not a trip in the ambulance.

Poor kiddo, first the Easter Bunny, now Santa? I'm really hoping the Tooth Fairy lives.

Exploding Heart

This morning I awoke to cold feet touching me, specifically my niece Hannah's little, cold feet. (I know, I was hoping for a hot man, too!)

When I asked why she was in bed with me, her answer guaranteed my undying affection for life. "Aunt Sarah I need to be close to you because of all the love in my heart, or it could explode."

Why can't I find a man to say such sweet things to me?!

Shake That Healthy Butt

Yesterday afternoon I picked the kids up at school and was headed home when my random iPod mix started playing Richard Cheese singing "Baby Got Back." Naively, I didn't bother changing it because the kids were talking and I didn't think they'd even notice. They did, and LOVED it! And really, why wouldn't they, the song says butt repeatedly--which is apparently a bad word. They insisted on listening to it over and over--always on a quest to be the "fun auntie" I let them.

Once we were inside Target I realized what a bad idea it had been. I was looking at jackets and they were singing lyrics about asses, which wasn't exactly a big hit with those Utah County mothers. For a moment I thought about pretending they weren't with me, but once Hannah started shaking her butt and singing I didn't have the heart to. Instead I scooped her up, gave her a kiss and told her she was the best dancer I'd ever seen. And it was the truth.

My Parenting Skills are Shit

This morning I was two hours late for work. I didn't factor in three and a half year old time. Seriously, these kids have major attitude. Don't get me wrong, I love that about them, but when you're trying to hurry and they aren't... well you know.

I spent at least ten minutes arguing with Hannah why she can't have chips for breakfast. She, of course, insisted her mom lets her eat them for breakfast every single day, which, she obviously doesn't. I tried giving her the whole nutritional value speech, but she wasn't having any of that.

So what did I do? I gave up. I took a Dorito, broke it into pieces and tossed it on top of her oatmeal. And guess what? She ate it. In a way we both won, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Aunt Scary Pants

My brother and sister-in-law are out of town so I'm staying with the twins this week. I'm fully aware of just what an awesome sister I am. Are they?

While the kids were finding their blankets, dolls, and special pillows they apparently can't sleep without, I changed into my pj's. When I walked out Carter looked up at me in disdain and asked, "What are those?" I replied, "These are my pajamas, Buddy." He looked confused for a moment and blurted out, "But, that's boy underwear... and yellow with crocodiles, not pink."

He was less than pleased at the idea of his auntie wearing something other than pink. You can't really explain to a child that there's nothing more comfortable to sleep in than a pair of boxers stolen from an ex-boyfriend. Hannah, on the other hand, took one look at me and said, "I like your underwear and I'm not scared of them."

It's nice to have underwear approval from a three-year-old. Now if I could find an adult male who felt the same way.

Sixth Place

Ben: “Did you hear I’m watching the twins’ tonight?”

Sarah: “Yeah, Holli told me. Otherwise I’d think you were making some sexual reference.”

Ben: “Can you believe they asked me? That’s trust, Sarah.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, that’s desperation. They asked me but I had a date and couldn’t. Her parents are going with them tonight so they couldn’t. Mom and Dad are too far to drive up, so they couldn’t. And Chad is in Japan with God so he couldn’t, and I don’t think her sister baby-sits.”

Ben: “So I’m sixth place. That’s awesome!! I’m excited, but Holli said if I had time to give them a bath. I have no idea how to wash kids, I can barely wash myself.”

Sarah: “Ben, they’re almost four--they are capable of washing themselves. Just throw them in the bath and stay in the same room.”

Ben: “I told Holli for the safety of all those involved, her kids will remain dirty. It’s just the smart thing to do.”

Sarah: “You could practice on Daisy.”

Ben: “I’m not washing your damn dog. Get Shogo to do it.”

Prehistoric Auntie

I picked up the twins from school today since their parents are out of town on business. I got them all buckled in and off we went for an adventure. It's funny, kids will find the most boring errands exciting if you tell them it's an adventure. It also works with Ben.

New Order's "Blue Monday" was playing on my stereo and Hannah starting shrieking with excitement. "It's dinosaur music aunt Sarah. I love it sooooo much!" I asked her if the song was on one of her movies, maybe one with a dinosaur. Nope. I know 80's music seems sorta old, but really dinosaur music? I think my three-year-old niece called me ancient. Great.

chicken and coffee, it's what's for dinner!

i gave hannah and carter both stuffed daisy dolls for their birthday in february. since then hannah has decided to show her pug love by taking her daisy everywhere she goes. daisy went to target and starbucks with us. hannah and carter both insisted she had her own seatbelt while riding in the car. it was cute so how could i refuse them.
daisy also has to eat dinner with us. when i asked hannah what they wanted to eat: hannah wanted chicken and starbucks and daisy wanted peas. i suspect someone has been reading my blog posts to the little lass.

girls will be girls

holli and i took the kids to the zoo today. mrs. ak, her two children and mina, the mother of all, met us there. we did all the usual zoo stuff: rode the train, saw the animals, hunted for diet coke, nearly puked walking out of the stinky snake building. hannah and her new best friend explained it best:

Love Deserves Capitalization!

I’m in Utah County tonight watching the twins, while my brother and favorite sister-in-law are away on business. It's almost 1 AM which is way, way past my bedtime. Yet here I sit on their bed typing while listening to Carter cough. I’ve given him medicine, but I couldn’t possibly attempt sleep until he’s resting peacefully. This doesn’t necessarily make me a good person (because after this week, I'm so clearly not one). It’s what happens when you love someone beside yourself... something I'm told I don't do often. To you I say whatever.

I love these kids. I love them like I never thought I could love someone so short. (I’ve got height issues--get over it.) I remember driving to the hospital to see them for the first time. I’d been around kids enough to know they poop and scream way too much. I was prepared to hold the babies, and lie through my teeth about how cute they are. When in reality they’d likely look like a cross between an alien and a plucked chicken. However, I wasn’t prepared to hold them and say they were the most beautiful babies I’d ever seen, and actually mean it. And I still mean it--even today, after Hannah spit in my Diet Coke.

Family is family, and you love them even when you don’t really like them. There’s never been a moment in the past 3+ years where I didn’t like these two, and frankly I don’t ever see that happening. Unless of course, Hannah continues to spit in my Diet Coke through her teen years. At that point, we might run into a problem.

either a lyrical genius or vodka in her morning juice:

"itsy bitsy candlestick climbed up the mountain snow."