Reason #8,464 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Pisses Me Off:

They send my brothers on missions. Chady-bear turns 20 tomorrow and I can't see him because he's in a foreign country serving God or something. And to make matters worse it's against the rules to phone him.

Letter to Missionary Brother #7

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s just starting to hit me that you’re really gone. Don’t tell Mom, but going home is boring when you’re not around. I miss annoying you to the point you’re going to scream. This is not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just my job as a sister. I think you can find it in the bible somewhere: Thou Shalt Drive Your Brothers Insane. Some commandments I follow, some I don’t—I pick which ones to follow by matching them to my shoes.

I think I’m not the only one affected by your absence. Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. I love that they are taking more vacations, but the selfish Sarah is going to miss out on having a family dinner. I guess they figured with you gone, Jeff and Matt married there’s only Ben and I to worry about and we can easily be pawned off on extended family or friends.

Are you still sure about this mission thing? Maybe, just maybe you can change your mind and come home for Christmas. Are you allowed to do that? Wouldn’t that be great if you could get in trouble and get sent home for the holidays and then go back? I guess it doesn’t work that way for a reason.

I’m really glad you’re the baby and I won’t have anyone else I love leaving. If Matt and Holli move I’m going with them. I refuse to be more than an hour away from the kids. Yeah, they really are that fantastic. Hannah did the cutest thing the other day. She was helping Holli clean out her grandma’s house (they had to put her in a home) when she found the oldest pair of kid gloves and just had to put them in her purse to give to her new sister Sarah. Needless to say, I need to go visit soon and remind her I’m her auntie not her sister. Ben isn’t allowed to move either, because he still has to hang my shelves up (five months and counting). Since Jeff married whatsherface I don’t ever see him, so he’s allowed to move.

So how are things going there? Thanks for the tea—it was really good. (Still waiting on that Hello Kitty paraphernalia!!) I asked Cathy and her Japanese slaves what the Japanese word your companion called me meant. They think you made it up. Does this mean you are speaking in tongue?

Ben and I were in the car the other day and The Cure’s song Friday I’m in Love came on. Do you remember that being your favorite song when you were in kindergarten? You used to make me play it over and over. Every Friday morning when I was getting ready for school you’d run in my bedroom and tell me it was the day you loved me. It was pretty damn cute. I hope by now you love me every single day, because I do you.

I love you and miss you bear.

Love,
Sissy

Letter to my Missionary Brother #6

Dear Chady-Bear,

Thanks for the photocopied letter (insert loads and loads of sarcasm). What is going on over there? You don’t have enough time to write your family individual letters? How do I even know this letter is from you and not some automated computer system? Huh?? For all I know you could’ve been sold into slavery. Hey, it happens! I saw it on Absolutely Fabulous years ago. Except there were no missionaries, but still…

And what’s this nonsense about porn? I nearly peed when I read that part of your letter. I’ve never heard you mention porn and then you leave on a mission and suddenly bowchicabowow, you’re porn talking? Awesome, bear, awesome! And the same guy wanted to show you his member, before becoming a member? Please refrain from EVER eating at that restaurant again. Do you understand me? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a gay brother, but I always figured it would be Ben, not you.

I digress.

Thanks for the pictures! I loved seeing your bright, shiny face. No wonder Jesus wants you for a Sunbeam! Send more, okay? And the cute puffy sticky letters, umm, brilliant. Of course now I’m going to think you should always include a little surprise. Do it!

Things here are good. School started, and with 23 credit hours I’m more than busy. I feel like I’m going to drown in books, but there could be worse things in life. And no, this isn’t a race. How sad…the oldest child and youngest child racing through college. It wouldn’t be so odd if there weren’t 14 years between us. If you hadn’t gone on vacation for two years you’d have won. Thanks for the head start. I love you for that.

Labor Day wasn’t the same without you. I drove down with Uncle Cabbage Patch and his new family. The kiddo and aunt are great, I’m glad they live close enough that I’ll get a chance to know them better. I didn’t stay for the rodeo, which is good. Would have been boring without you to tease. The twins are getting so big. I can’t believe you’re missing out on two years. They still call Ben Uncle Mean, which is fantastic! They make family time tolerable. If I’d known this I would have got knocked up years ago.

I love you more than chocolate. How many minutes until you’re home? Too many. Christmas is going to suck without you. Speaking of which, how's that search for Hello Kitty wine going? My Hello Kitty wine glasses are washed and waiting.

Miss you bear!

Love,
Sissy

Letter to my Missionary Brother #4

Dear Chady,

Thanks for proving I am way cooler then Ben. I’ve always known it, and suspected you did too. I can’t wait to tell him you called me from the airport and not him. And promised I’ll make him send you a letter soon. If not a letter he can at least draw you a picture or something? I finally gave him your letter Friday night at our favorite bar. It’s the only time I was going to see him, so figured it’s better to give it to him there then not at all. I took a picture of it on the table next to our liquid refreshment. It’s irreverent I know, but makes me smile nonetheless.

You’re a total punk ass, you know. Telling me to come get you from the airport is not a joke. For just a moment I thought I was going to be smuggling a missionary out of the airport into the real world.

It’s crazy to think as I type this you’re well on your way to Japan. I can’t believe I am not going to see you for two years. How sad, but there is something you can do that will bring me much comfort: FIND HELLO KITTY WINE! I’ve seen pictures of it and need it. I’m not suggesting you break Mormon code and drink it, I’m just suggesting you send it for my birthday. You have until November; so don’t make it a priority.

I can’t believe you got cheated out of seeing The Simpsons movie before you left. I know how much you’d been looking forward to seeing it. If it makes you feel any better I saw and loved it. Also sorry to hear all your music got deleted off your iPod. Maybe God did it? You’re not supposed to have non-church music, right? Anyway, as usual I’m more than happy to help you break the rules. Let me know what you want sent.

Love you Bear! I’ll be waiting for a letter from Japan.

Love, Sis

Chad Speaks. Sorta.

Chady-bear leaves the MTC next week and heads to Japan. I got my last Provo, Utah postmarked letter today. I laughed so hard at this part, I just had to post it:

"I didn't learn Japanese in three months. I can speak VERY limited and understand all but nothing. But why do I need that when I got a face like mine? I'll attract all the Japanese girls and my companion will talk to them and teach them. Sound like a good idea?"

(Ben, Matt, Chady, Sarah)

After looking at the picture he sent me of just us kids on the day he entered the MTC, I think he should be okay. He's lucky he doesn't look like Matt, then there might be problems.