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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

livin' at the betty

i've always wanted to spend a week sunning myself at the betty ford clinic. i've been saying this for years, probably years before i knew it wasn't so much a relaxing day spa for sober women, but a grueling rehab for drunken women.

while my grocery list doesn't exactly qualify me for a trip to the betty, it certainly gets me closer--one day at a time!!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

inconvenience for a snob

this truck was parked outside my s-bux. i'm really hoping they just popped in for directions and not coffee. otherwise i have to find a new corporate chain of coffee shops to support, one that doesn't serve nascar fans.

sometimes sarahbellum really does mean little brain

sometimes when i have a really bad day i turn into a retard. today, was one of those days.

i got home from hell work but couldn't get into my apartment. i drove home with my keys but when i got to my front door they were gone. i spent 20 minutes outside in the cold looking for them. i didn't find them on the ground, i found them here:i think it's time for a glass or three of wine and a nice long tubby in my tub that actually drains! thanks to ddr for introducing me to the magic crystals that make cute noises when they kill devil babies.

Monday, January 29, 2007

taking it off!

the health insurance my office provides give us the benefit of 3 massages a month. i haven't been for a while, but the boys still go. i kinda got grossed out last time i went and i could hear ak in the room next to me. i do not want to be naked listening to co-workers talking--i'd much rather keep that nightmare material.

over lunch today, pmk informed us he keeps his underwear on for massages. i was shocked, possibly because i'm single and take my clothes off any chance i get! so pmk has promised to take off his undies if that's what the majority of people do.

vote, and get pmk naked!

When getting a massage to you take your underwear off?
yes, i love an opportunity to get naked!
no, i'll keep my parts to myself. free polls

Sunday, January 28, 2007

more than you need to know, but...

my shower drain has a devil baby gestating inside of it. that is, in my mind, the only explanation why it remains clogged after pouring drano down it every day for an entire week.

rather than fight it, i have given up.

i now shower with water to my ankles, but today i threw in a pink rubber ducky and call it a sh'bath.

go ahead. judge me.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

crafty girls do it better!

you can take the girl out of relief society, but you can't take the relief society out of the girl. or can you?
it's too cold to be outdoors so i decided to get my crafty on. this was my practice piece. i think i'm going to turn it into a magnet for ben's fridge. whether he likes it, or not--because that's what good sisters do.

Friday, January 26, 2007

got sundance? ticket giveaway!!

i have two extra sundance tickets to see "the good night" saturday 6.30 pm at the rose wagner theater. i'm having a blah day and could use a laugh, so the person that comes up with the most entertaining reason they want/need them can have 'em. free, well not exactly free, i am making you work for them.

if you're a super secret spy and don't want to post your reason for others to see, my email works too.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

high maintenance?

columns 1.18.07 & 1.25.07

i didn't post my column last week, so this week you get two!

men, all you really need is half

no rest until new guy gets a name

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


i haven't made sundance a priority like i have in previous years. i'm busier this year and it's just so cold out! waitress was really good, but i've been craving pies ever since. not sure that's a good thing considering jen doesn't live close enough to bake me some. marie callender's pies just aren't the same.

and i are going to see hounddog this afternoon, as i always say 2 sara(h)'s are better than 1. hopefully she'll stop me from doing anything too humiliating like the time i offended jennifer aniston in the bathroom, or the time i almost killed carmen electra with a door. if ak stops being a baby about his sore throat then we'll see king of california tonight. funny how last year i had an ear infection and when i skipped some movies i was a wuss, but look who is sick now. ha! karma's a bitch.

star sightings thus far:
-john hensley, the super yummy son on nip/tuck--who was lucky i had a boy with me, otherwise he would've had to push me off his leg in my attempt to hump it.
-keri russel, um adorable!
-cheryl hines--her face is even pointier in person.
-nathan fillion, whom i've loved since he was the pretty fireman in two guys, a girl, and a pizza place.
-some guy from the show 24 that no one seemed to care about but himself.

ohh, and r-lo claims he saw kevin bacon but he's also a known liar. so, whatever.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

hairy butts on bikes

there's no escaping bike talk, even in the middle of the coldest january, um, ever. while at lunch today the geeks spoke bike in front of me. i've specifically asked them to refrain from doing so, but they never listen. as usual i sat there looking bored and tried to talk myself into not picking up my fork and stabbing their eyeballs out. they really shouldn't test me, they've all seen my dog.

the conversation evolved from shaving legs for bikey smoothness to hairy butts. i don't know how this happens though i suspect sometimes it's my fault. i asked what the typical age is for a man when he starts to develop that fuzzy butt disease, but as usual they ignored me. i got louder, because that's what i do when i'm ignored.

i've got to learn it's not ok to use my loud voice in restaurants, especially when i find myself saying, very loudly, "WHY WON'T ANYONE ANSWER MY HAIRY BUTT QUESTION?!" ak gave me his usual " i cannot believe we choose to take you out in public" look. if you ask me it's his fault for not answering the first three times i asked.

Monday, January 22, 2007

all in a game

a "friend" and i went to park city yesterday for sundance. while we were there we dropped by pmk's house for some essentials: clean bathrooms and coffee laced with large quantities of alcohol. i noticed a monopoly game set up in the corner, but didn't pay any attention to what version it was. i just assumed everyone plays my favorite one, the here & now edition. it's totally cute and totally commercial with game pieces including a prius, RAZR phone and most importantly a starbucks cup!
but, noooooo...
as my friend pointed out on the way home, they were playing the national park version. sometimes i forget living in park city requires you to enjoy the outdoors even while you're indoors.

umm, 100% awesome!!

Friday, January 19, 2007


i went to my ex's house for the evening to watch a movie.

as a woman it's my duty to walk around trying to notice anything different from the last time i was there. i can't help it, it's written into my genetic code. blame god.

there was a dixie chicks album on his stereo and a hawaiian shirt in his closet with the ugliest flowers ever printed to fabric. i was afraid to look any longer in fear my eyes would bleed out of their sockets, which would've made driving home an ordeal.

let this be a lesson to all future boyfriends, when i go everything good in your life seems to follow, including your musical taste and sense of fashion. the rest? well, that's a secret.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

'the family jams'

while driving home last night, i was stressing over dinner.

i didn't have any groceries in the house, unless you count the 72 hour kit santa brought me this year, which i don't. i hate grocery shopping almost as much as i hate the dentist, rush limbaugh, the fact i didn't have to look up the spelling of limbaugh, and grainy porn downloaded from the internet. i looked down at my phone and saw i had a message. it was my uncle bry asking me on a date for dinner. needless to say, i happily accepted.

the company was nice, but truthfully i'd have chosen dinner with charles manson over grocery shopping.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

not the only one-eyed pug out there

i've always wanted to live at the plaza, hell, i'd even settle for just staying there one night at this point! it has nothing to do with the beautiful architecture, nor the famous parties and balls held there over the years. it's all because of the children's storybook character eloise. come on, why do you think i own a pug?!

i was going through my eloise book collection to find the perfect one to give my niece, hannah, for her upcoming third birthday when i found this one:i'd never noticed before, but her pug has one eye too! ok, so maybe it's winking but still...when daisy lost her eye a few years ago, in an effort to console me, by boyfriend at the time said it just looked like she was winking all the time. it made me feel better at the time, and i've thought of it as such ever since.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


i determine my level of friendship by my ability to make a person cry-- horrible, but true. sometimes it’s the “i hate you’ cry, but typically it’s the ‘oh so tender’ cry i’m going for, mostly because i’m a controlling bitch, but whatever, that’s not really the point.

today, i successfully made my bestest sister friend jen cry. again. it’s usually a bi-weekly thing with her.

i emailed her to tell her about her doppelganger:
today in my writing class the girl across the room from me looked exactly like you did a few years ago. her hair was short and flippy in the back; the color was dark brown with just a hint of red when the light hit it just right. she had pretty pouty lips and your exact skin tone. i kept staring at her, and without a doubt, she must think i’m a total lesbian. she was holding still for so long that i felt as if i was looking at an old picture of you. i was so mesmerized by her, that when she finally moved i freaked out.

her reply was as follows:
your story about the girl in your class made me tear up! you jerk!

yup, I still got it!

Monday, January 15, 2007

bruised omen

it's no secret i'm a giant clutz. ben always laughs that i manage to get hurt nearly every single time i leave the house! i'm constantly bruised from bumping into things. yesterday was no exception, i smashed my hand on the doorknob trying to hurry out of my apartment. the only thing that differed is where i bruised myself.
seriously, who bruises their left-hand ring-finger? i think it's a bad omen, and i can plan on remaining single forever. i think my editor will be very, very pleased.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

the power of bon jovi:

i went to provo last night to see my mom in the hospital, where she's recovering from surgery. i don't deal well with other people being sick. i don't think it's that i'm being selfish, i think always being the patient teaches you to deal with your own health issues and not those of others. that's just life. so, having a sick mother isn't easy for me. seeing her in a hospital bed nearly killed me. between that and the disgusting smell of hospitals i ended up sick to my stomach in the bathroom. luckily holli and the twins got there shortly thereafter, providing some much needed levity to the situation.

i think the god of rock and roll looked down on me with pity, because when i got into my car to head home "you give love a bad name" was playing on the radio. i rocked out, and life was suddenly good again.

Friday, January 12, 2007

welcome to the toy box, column 1.12.07

i'm starting to wonder if i have a superhero fetish. first there was captain american now this! seriously, what's next batgirl?

dress for success

pmk sent me an email regarding our new office dress code. he's crazy if he thinks i'm going to wear a blouse or cut my mullet. luckily, there's nothing in there about fishnets and knee shorts, because that's what i'm wearing today. for real.

- Generally, Oxfords & slacks for males, blouses & skirts for females.
- No T-shirts.
- No Jeans.
- No open toed shoes.
- No Dickies.
- No Carhart.
- No Mullets.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

harassment, maybe not always the right choice.

it's no secret i'm the office pervert. remember the veggies? however, when pmk gave me this book i started wondering if i'm really that bad.let's see--there's this, this, and this. fine, he's got a valid point. is it too late for new year resolutions??

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

my favorite piece of mail this week:

let there be snow.

by now i hope we've all seen al gore's global warming movie. if you haven't do yourself a favor and rent it soon. i like to kid that al gore invented global warming around the time he invented the internet, but in reality he has a message that needs to be heard.

pmk attended a meeting about it in park city last night. to read his thoughts on the subject go here.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

boy, oh boy!

my best friend, midge, is cultivating a miniature set of balls and a tiny little penis inside of her. it's really weird if you think about it too long, weird in a sweet creating life sort of way, i guess.
congratulations my dear!

Monday, January 08, 2007

pink, err, silver lining!

ak blew his knee out and isn't allowed to "real" ski for a month, i'm not sure how, i assume it's from being so old! though, i've found the silver lining: he finally has the time to teach me to ski. yeah, after 31 years i'm finally going to make an attempt to enjoy something about the winter besides sundance. i've never learned because i hate being cold, but i found there's something i hate even more than the cold...being left out! i'm sick of my brothers having ski days and not inviting me.

Friday, January 05, 2007

friday night tears

a friend with boy parts (crucial when seeing a football movie) and i went to see we are marshall tonight. i've been wanting to see it, but knew it was going to be a tearjerker so taking ben was not an option as he was the brother who cried in the land before time up until high school, bless his tender, wussy, little heart.

i cried like a baby 12 times, only once because matthew mcconaughey reminds me of captain america. when we walked out of the movie, i mentioned to my friend not to tell anyone, he reminded me it was ok to admit to having a heart. i guess, but i still blame the tears on my sars, because when your throat hurts it's ok to cry.

temporarily (i hope!) out of order:

i mentioned to the office girls that i wasn't dating anyone at the moment, and somehow it resulted in this...

it's possible i just jinxed myself, which would probably really please my mother.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

hooked on love, column 1.4.06

there's something about love, or at least i think so. read more here!

got milk?

i sit near the break room at my office, giving me the opportunity to torment others as shown below: grey (as in the color), has made past appearances on my blog (read here), left a container with his name on it in the fridge. seeing that it was a white milky substance i thought it important to be more specific and added more, but of course since i don't really want to be fired for sexual harassment i left the breast to be implied.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

sars & trannies

i've had sars, or a cold as most people call it, all week. i'm just now feeling well enough to recall another weird lunch conversation with my geeks yesterday. in a span of two minutes the below phrases were uttered-- one by me, and one by pmk. you figure out who said what.

"speaking of transvestites, at my family party this year..."

"my nephews are going to be boys"

Monday, January 01, 2007

starting the year off right

happy new year or hangover day, whichever you prefer. my night was very mellow compared to last year, and i'm totally ok with that. it was nice not to start a fight, get a friend punched, and other drama that comes with holiday drinking.

this morning, however, was another story. i met some friends at zola for brunch. i'd been craving a bloody mary so marky drove. we stopped on the way to grab some medicine, i'm just fighting off the tail end of a cold. anticipating another cold soon (it's winter!!) i bought a box containing pills for both day and night.

when we arrived i ordered my drink and took two blue pills. twenty minutes later everything around me started to swim, and it looked like everyone was talking in slow motion. marky saw i was struggling and got me out of there pretty quick. i realized on the way home i'd taken the night pills.

i realize vodka + sleeping pills is an ideal cocktail for some, but for me at 1 in the afternoon notsomuch!